"Midnight Conversations
at the MS Café"

An on-going series of short stories about online support
in an internet chat room

written by Victoria Booth 

Installment #1
(c) January 16, 1999

I can't sleep, but what's new? So I get up, the bed's starting to feel pretty hard anyway - and I come downstairs, turn on the computer, and go to my favorite chat line. It's an exclusive chat line; you have to have Multiple Sclerosis, otherwise known as MS, to join. Bittersweet kind of club.

My "chat name" is Pencil. I log on. Everyone stops what they're doing and says "Hi!" Asks me how I am. It's a friendly place, great people. Most everyone is settled and has something to drink - Pepsi, tea, coffee… Perfect place for a midnight chat.

You'll find many different and diverse people at the Midnight Café. There are those who come in just to "Listen". Then there are those who come looking for encouragement and support. There are those who have had a victory in their lives and come to share it. There are those who are sick, depressed, and who just need to sip a long, cool drink from the spiritual waters of the Midnight Café.

The conversation differs just as well as do the people. Tonight one person was just starting MS shots for the first time and was very anxious and scared. She goes by "Brenda". Most of us make up "chat names" All of us tried to "Walk her through it" verbally.

Popcorn pipes up and says, "Come on Brenda, you can do it! Just grab hold of the skin and jab the needle in."

Hyacinth jumps in and says, "Come on you guys, give Brenda a break, this is her first time."

Bounty speaks up and jokingly says, "Hey Brenda, I went and got some towels my first time to wipe up the sweat that dripped all over the floor by time I got my first shot in."

Brenda is sweating profusely. She is extremely frightened. What if she gets blood in the syringe? What if she gets it part way in and can't finish pushing the plunger? Worse yet, what if she gets an air bubble in the syringe and doesn't see it? She begins to cry. She wonders how in the world is she ever going to do this every other day?

"Did you get it done, honey?" Jeep asks.

There is silence from Brenda. Everyone waits.

We are all concerned, we've been there, done that. We want to surround her with our MS loving care and do it for her. However, we cannot. So we do the next best thing: we try in every way possible to support her through "Her first time."

Brenda types back in… "Ok, I'm really going to do it, everyone. Hold on."

And we do.

Many times when we chat, we are all talking to one person, then another, and so on. Sometimes there are five or six conversations going on all at one time.

Not tonight. Tonight we are all sweating just a little bit too, with Brenda. Tonight we are holding our breath with her, waiting with her. Everyone is tense and quiet.

Suddenly Brenda is sending smiley face images all over the screen. She is yelling excitedly, "I Did It!!! I Did It!! I Did It Guys! And I'm still alive!"

We can hear her shouting joyously. We all exhale a breath of relief. Crisis is over. Brenda is bona fide MS'er. Injection done. Mission completed.

After patting Brenda on the back and congratulating her, we all go back to chitchat with each other, our subjects drifting off in various directions.

"I want a pizza!" Popcorn wails…

Jeep types in, "No, I want some hot chocolate, my feet are freezing!"

Nancy has just "logged on". We all stop and say "Hi Nancy! How ya doin' tonight?"

Nancy says, "Hi everyone! What's the topic tonight?"

We all laugh. If only she knew what our topic had been…

"Anything you want to talk about!" someone answers.

"Well," Jeep says, "I just fixed a big pot of vegetable soup. Anyone want some??"

Bigpapa says, "Email me some, quick!"

Brenda says, "yes, I'm hungry now!"

"Let's order a pizza…" says Jimbo.

Panhandle has just logged on. "Hi Pan!" we all yell.

"Hey what happened to the pizza??" Brenda asks.

Things are back to normal. As normal as they can be at the Midnight Café…

Preface by Author: As my series of short stories continues, I wish that I could always bring to you, the special reader, good things. I wish I could always tell you about all the fun we have at the Midnight Café - the MS Café, but unfortunately, I cannot always do that. When I decided to begin this series of works, my intent (and still is) was to uplift, encourage… make you laugh… to help you - us - cope with this insidious, hideous, MonSter known as MS. Tonight there were some fun times at the Café. But not until later. 

Installment #2
(c) January 19, 1999

When I first logged on, everyone stopped a second and said, "Hi Pencil!"

"Hi everyone! How the heck are you?" I called back.

A few put in their version of how their day is going, and then conversation gets back to normal. We are chatting away, talking about meds, the football game this last Sunday, joking and just being with each other, and then a message across the screen - Colors has just logged on. We all stopped a second, our fingers poised above the keyboard, ready to give her a cheery "Hi!" when all of a sudden, we see another message -

"I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!!!"

Colors was in some kind of trouble.

"What's wrong, Colors?" We all asked.

No answer at first. Colors is a very private person. She has a lot of pride. Maybe too much, but who are we to judge her?

"I HATE THIS CRAPPY DISEASE!!! " she shrieks. "I'M NOT GOING BACK TO THAT HOSPITAL I JUST GOT OUT OF!!!"

"Whoa!" We say, "who said you had to go anywhere? We just want to know what's wrong." "How can we help, Colors, if we don't know what's wrong? Please tell us."

"WHAT'S WRONG!!!! WHAT'S WRONG???? THE STEROIDS ARE WEARING OFF OR SOMETHING!!! I DON'T KNOW…"

"Call 911 Colors!" Sammy says urgently.

"Yes," agrees Patchy, "call and get some help."

"NO!" Colors flashes back at us, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, THEY TOLD ME I
COULDN'T GO HOME IF I COULDN'T TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!!!"

We're all a bit puzzled still as to what is actually happening.

"I thought you were taking care of yourself, Colors", Sammy questions. "What do you mean?"

Colors is obviously in a state of emotional, if not physical, crisis. We can "hear" her screaming much louder than the letters on the keyboard will allow her. She curses a string of obscenities…

Windynight logs in. Windy is a nurse. At least, if I remember correctly, she's a nurse.

I type as quickly as my blurring eyes and blundering fingers will let me."Hi Windynight!" Are you the one who's a nurse?"

"Yes!" Windynight quickly answers. "What's up?"

"Please talk to Colors! " I plead. Maybe she can get her to listen… we're not having any luck."

"LEAVE IT ALONE, PENCIL!!! STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS!!!" Colors rages.

"Don't yell at Pencil," someone says, "she's just trying to help."

"I'M SORRY!!!" I HATE THIS!!!"

"It's okay, Colors…" I say, "yell if you need to… we just need to know what is wrong."

Finally…

"I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF MYSELF ANYMORE! MY FEET AREN'T WORKING! MY HANDS ARE GNARLING UP! I DON'T HAVE ANY BLADDER CONTROL AND I CAN'T EVEN FEEL IT!!!

She lets loose a string of curses again.

Windynight breaks in, "Colors, you need to call 911."

"THIS ISN'T AN EMERGENCY!!"

"Yes, Colors," Windynight says, "if you can't take care of yourself, it is an emergency. Do you have any family you can call? Any friends who can come over?"

"NO!"

I am sitting here, listening to her and feeling all kinds of emotions: I'm worried about her… I'm scared - for her, but selfishly, also for me - could this happen to me??? This is the very ugly side of MS… VERY UGLY side… the Ugliest. And we are forced to take part in it. No. We are choosing to take part… because we care… and because she is part of us. In a strange way, she is us.

I try once more. "Come on, Colors, listen to reason. You need to go to the hospital."

"GET THIS STRAIGHT! I AM NOT GOING BACK TO THAT HOSPITAL!!! I SPENT THE LAST THREE WEEKS THERE, AND ONLY THE LAST FOUR DAYS HOME!! NOT GOING!!"

LuckySue logs in. "Hi all! What's up?" She soon figures it out, and stays, but is quiet.

I feel so bad for Colors. I try to imagine being where she is. To have to be in the hospital that long… to be in that stark, white, medicinal place. Maybe safe. However, a far cry from being at home. Sterile. Cold. Impersonal. They do their best, but it's not home.

I hesitantly give in to her, cut her some slack. "Colors, listen, I'm not where you are. I can't judge what you do. Or what you don't do. No one can really MAKE you do anything you don't want to do or refuse to do. I won't say anymore about going to the hospital. There's really no place as good as home. That is a fact. We can't deny that to you. We'll be here with you… just be okay."

More Silence.

Then, more calmly and in lower case letters,"I don't want to lose my home…. I don't want to lose my two cats, they're all I've got."

I am sure I am not the only one with tears running down my face. I have two cats and a dog. I call them my "furry children": Isaiah, Luke, and Rollie. Rollie is a chow. He loves me no matter what. He loves me when I don't feel well enough to take a bath or wash my hair and don't smell too good. So do Isaiah and Luke. I can't imagine life without them.

Sammy says, "Why do you think you'll lose your home if you go to the hospital, Colors?"

Color answers, and we can hear it, it's said quietly, sadly: "Because at the hospital this last time, they told me if I couldn't come back home and take care of myself, I would not be able to keep my home."

Everyone is quiet. What do you say???

LuckySue types in, "Colors, you know… there are many nice places now. Places called "Assisted Living", places where you still have your own home, but there are people right there nearby to help…"

Even more silence. And then, "What about my cats?"

Whew!! We can all let out a good breath. We sense the crisis is drawing to a close.

"Many places let you have your pets now, Colors."

"Yes!" Sammy says, "they do."

Colors is quietly resigned. "Okay," she says. "I'll go, but not till morning."

Now, none of us wants her waiting until morning. However no one will argue with her. We are there with her in our minds and hearts. We can "see" what she is seeing. Her home… her independence, so precious, seems to be slipping away. We are seeing her home like she is. Looking at each little thing, each book… each knick-knack… the furniture… the funny-looking curtains she bought at a yard sale when she could still walk… the slightly musky smell that says "this is familiar… this is home."

We all agree with her. "Okay, Colors, you go in the morning. We understand…"

"Change the subject guys," she says. I've been hogging the screen and your time."

"We don't care."

"Don't say that, Colors."

"Hey! Now, don't go putting yourself down."

Bigpapa logs in, breaking the chain of events. "Hey y'all! I'm Bubba from Forest Gump. I brought cha'all some shrimp."

We roll our eyes. Bigpapa is one of our biggest clowns. What now?

"Yup", he pipes back up, "I brought my friends some shrimp tastees. I brought Shrimp Cocktail, Shrimp Creole, Shrimp Scampi - "

"Got any shrimp soup, there Bigpapa??? " asks Windynight. LOL That's short for Laughing Out Loud.

"Hey," LuckySue asks, "how about some shrimp gumbo, and some shrimp fries, some shrimp covered ants, shrimp-fried-crisp-mosquitoes, some shrimp granola…"

Suddenly we are all laughing so loud; we're about to pee ourselves. We have a saying: roflmao. Basically it means we are "rolling on the floor laughing my anatomy off."

"LOL Here we go again!" Sammy types in, "shrimp this, shrimp that…Bigpapa, what are we going to do with you??"

Bigpapa drawls in that southern tone he uses, "Well, now, I suppose you could roll me in some sweet batter, fry me up and eat me! Hee Hee…"

We have to all be shaking our heads. But we're laughing inside… we're laughing inside… 


Installment #3
(c) January 30, 1999

Dear Reader, can we talk? I have been trying to think about what to write in the next installment of "Midnight Conversations" for several days now.

There's only one problem. Not a whole lot has been going on. No one has had a crisis, nobody has said they want to commit suicide, there has been a lot of smiles, and laughter, but nothing in particular has happened.

To tell the truth, I was getting depressed. As a writer, I want to entertain you, enlighten you in some way, make you laugh, make you cry, make you "feel" something. Where was my big story?

I waited and waited, and thought and thought, and must admit, patience is not a virtue, to which I can lay claim. My "MSReality Bytes" Editor told me not to worry about when the next installment would come. There are no time frames or deadlines. Especially since I, myself, have been in relapse since the fifteenth of January. It really has only been a few days since the last installment. So what was I worrying about? The story.

You know what I mean. THE STORY. The big one, the exciting one, the saddest one, the funniest one. Whether I like it or not, as a writer, I am part of the "up on a pedestal, high powered, highly pressured media."

THE MEDIA. I began to think about my next story in terms of the media way of doing things. The most sought after story, the most bizarre tale, the most graphic medical emergency, the most fascinating police chase… I think you know what I mean.

Nevertheless, you know what, Dear Reader? That is not what real life is about. That is what we've come to expect each day we look to a newspaper or turn the TV on to view the latest news. I'm not going to get into who's at fault here. The media for their views and competition to see who can come up with the most blown up, nail-biter, cliffhanger story? Or us? After all aren't we the ones who clamor after the best and biggest story? It doesn't matter.

What does matter is the reality of our lives. Those with MS and those without. Of course, for our purposes, my stories thus far have been about those of us with MS. In reality, we don't always have a crisis going on, in reality; we don't always have "an exciting story to tell".

In every day reality, setting aside temporarily the fact that we do have a debilitating, frightening, and yes, disabling disease called Multiple Sclerosis, or MS, we are a pretty normal bunch of people.

Some of us still have outside jobs, some of us don't. Some of us love to read, some of us don't. Some like movies, some don't. Some of us can still walk, some can't. Some of us deal with the daily challenges that face us with this disease, by trying to keep a positive attitude, and very seldom are plagued by depression. Other's don't deal so well, and are depressed most of the time, hanging on to every scrap of cheer and hope they might get by visiting the Midnight Café -- our MS chat lines, hoping that some of the "positive" will rub off on us.

Not too many, but some, are so depressed they drink to excess. They try, unsuccessfully to "drown" their sorrows about their MS-altered life with lots and lots of alcohol. That doesn't work either, but they have to be the ones to find that out. In the meantime, we are here for them.

I've been on the chat line daily this last week. Sometimes someone is sharing his or her fears about beginning injection therapy. Many times we chat, and it's just that -- chat. We chat about the same things that "normal" people chat about. We chat about cooking, music, our favorite movies, maybe a trip we're going to take. We chat about politics, and yes -- we're a brave bunch -- we even discuss religion on occasion. Not any particular religion, per se, but mainly about God -- who believes, who doesn't -- how He has helped in our lives, how some of us feel He has let us down.

Many of us have spouses, many don't. Some of us are truly blessed with husband's or wives, who love us just as much as before we got sick and, who work with us on a daily basis to keep our relationship strong. Unfortunately, some of us have had spouses who've "bailed out on us" when the MS became real.

The people I chat with on the MS chat lines are wonderful, intelligent, funny and loving people. However, we are normal people with normal every day lives, like anyone else. We have to figure out what to have for dinner everyday. We have dirty laundry to wash. We have good days and bad, just like anyone else.

We are a diverse and varied group of people. We are a people who, if we knew each other outside of the world of MS, may or may not be drawn to each other. We may or may not like each other, under normal circumstances.

Our bond, though is a deep one. We don't just like each other, we really truly worry about each other, and we care how each person is feeling every day. We love each other with a bond that defies explanation, but love each other, we do. MS has encircled us, as a unified body of people, who have learned, or are learning, to love unconditionally.

MS can certainly be an insidious, ugly, disease that leaves us waking each new day to the unknown. Will we be able to see today? Will we be able to walk? Will our hands work? Can we think clearly? Can we even get out of bed?

We want answers, we want guarantees. There are none. This is sometimes a part of dealing with the MS that causes us to feel sorry for ourselves. Why us? Why me? There are no pat answers. Why does your neighbor, who is healthy, who has a wonderful husband and three little children, go off to work one morning, and never return? On her way, to the office, she is plowed into by a semi-truck, operated by a truck driver who is too tired? Why is it that she doesn't get to go home that day… or ever again? Because she was needlessly killed in the accident. Why??

We have no answers. What we "do" have is today, this hour, this minute. We have things for which to be grateful, if we just open our eyes to the wonders around us. Can you see your blessings?

You say you live alone, your husband left you and you have nothing to feel thankful for? Thank God, you are capable of "living alone", that MS hasn't robbed you of that. Try to be grateful that you have a place to call home... so many don't. It isn't just "bums" who are out on the street homeless. There are homeless people, like you and me, through unfortunate circumstances, who are now without
a home to be "alone" in.

I can't always bring you something, Dear Reader, which will be guaranteed to be a "good read", something hysterically funny, or an unfolding, exciting drama for you to enjoy. I hope that doesn't disappoint you.

What I can bring you is this: the truth, the reality, the "wake-up call" perhaps, that yes, although we live with the unpredictable and frightening challenges of MS, we also live ordinary lives. Just like anyone else. And unlike some, we have a wonderful support group...a "family" of fantastic friends who are always waiting eagerly to talk with us.

Have you "logged on" today?

Dear Reader, I believe that we are one blessed bunch of people. What do you think? Until next time…. Your friend, Victoria


DIANA'S HEART 

by Victoria Booth

(c) April, 1999

Dear readers, It has seemed like a very long time since I've been able to write to you. MS often keeps our lives topsy-turvy, and I have to say that has been my life during the last two months.

I am feeling a bit better, thank goodness. My doctor put me on Cylert for the severe fatigue and sleepiness I was experiencing. The symptoms still persist, in a milder form-- the MS fights hard-- but the medication has helped quite a bit. I also think the Avonex is finally beginning to help.

I've been trying to think of something entertaining and creative to write for you; but for many months, nothing came to me. Then several days ago, something happened that I would like to share with you.

I belong to four MS chat clubs, although I utilize only two - MSWorld and MS Watch. There is another MS chat group, via Yahoo, called MS Friends. I had only been there a few times and only took part in a chat once. I occasionally would "stop in" and read some messages, but that was the extent of my activity at MS Friends.

About five days ago, I popped in and one particular message caught my eye and my heart. It was written to the moderator, Karen, and posted on the MS Friends message board. So as not to be confusing, I am going to number the letters with either Diana's initial or mine,
so you will know which is which.


Here is the first.

#1. From Diana:

Dear Karen and MS Friends,
As my energy ebbs, I want you to know how much your support, inclusion in the club and prayers have meant to me. Please convey to the other members that I also thank them for their support.

I now have a secretary to do my typing, as I am almost completely paralyzed, but I have joy in my heart. I will be going to my "mansion in the sky", and I will see my mother, who died when I was 12, and my Dad, who died when I was 30. I will be reunited with my daughter, who died 12 years ago at the tender age of ten. ALS and MS - what a truly terrifying combination, but I prefer the initials P.U.S.H. (Pray Until Something Happens).

I cannot participate as much because each day creates a new weakness, a new hurdle to jump. Sometimes that hurdle is merely going to the bathroom.

I pray for you all and thank you all. In the words of the immortal Winston Churchill: "Never, never, never, never, never give up". Please, all my compatriots remember those few but poignant words. If you are not healed here on earth, I will be in heaven, ready to run the sack race with you, to do a 100-yard dash, and to run with you to the Father.

Karen, please share these few words with the members, remind them that they have many wonderful years ahead of them. I just happened to get the double whammy. But, I am grateful for two fine sons. They are my heart and soul and the most precious things God gave me. They are Ernie and Michael, aged 23 and 24. Their precious father, my wonderful, honorable, generous, tender, self-sacrificing, loving, adorable husband of 25 years, is also an incredible gift from God. Without them, I would have a tougher road ahead. I am truly blessed. I left a legacy for my family and friends.

As a note to make you smile, at the end of my own personal eulogy, I want you all to know of the statement that I arranged to be etched on my gravestone, in our family burial plot. "See, I told you I was sick" :o). Smile saints, it is a joyful feeling, when you know that the time is soon and you can make amends, wherever they may be.

I urge you to heal hurting relationships with your families and friends. Those you love most know how much you care for them, because we know not the time or the place. Treat a stranger as though he/she was an angel unawares. Bite your tongue, when angry words well up inside of you and tell your spouse "I love You" each night before you drift off to sleep. Hug at least 4 people a day, except maybe the policeman giving you the speeding ticket. I take that back. Hug him too. He is protecting you and your entire community.
All my Love in Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior, Diana

My Friends and dear readers, I cannot tell you how reading Diana's message affected me. This woman was dying, yet she was still taking time to write to her friends, revealing an incredible sense of humor, and offering encouragement to us?? I found that amazing and I knew at once that I HAD to get to know this woman better. Therefore, I wrote her. What I communicated to her, is shared below.

#2. From Victoria:

To Diana with much love, Diana, I don't know you, except that, after reading your letter, it is obvious to me that you are a sister in Christ. May I ask how long you've had ALS and MS?

I have to tell you honestly that I do not have the words to convey to you what I feel in my heart. One thing that is very apparent to me is that you are an amazing woman and your faith is immeasurable. Thank you for sharing with us and thank you for your wonderful advice on loving those close to us. I will try very hard to always remember what you said about how to treat our spouses.

If you are strong enough, I would really like to hear from you in my personal email. I have a few questions--nice ones--that I would like to ask you about your faith. I want to have faith like yours someday, Diana.

I would also like to be able to email you a note each day, maybe make you laugh once or twice....

Diana, may you feel the presence of our Lord with you continuously. God bless you, dear one, and remember, Jesus said HE will NEVER leave us, nor forsake us. Hebrews 13:5. His Peace, strength and love to you... Victoria (Pencil)


#3. From Diana:

Dear Karen at MS Friends,
Please forward this to all of your wonderful people. The typing is that of my dear and patient secretary, Cathy, but the words are mine.

To all of my dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ, to Kristy, Frances, Cindy, Victoria, Rosie, Kara, Karen, Linda and all who are so sweet and kind as to petition the Lord in my behalf-- Bless you for your sweet and wonderful emails and prayers. My faith in Our Lord Jesus Christ is indeed strong and unwavering, but my faith in mankind grows stronger everyday, as I read your emails and know how you suffer also, yet take the time to send me encouragement.

I know the end is very near, but I am grateful because the Lord has seen to it that I do not suffer for a long period of time. I am not a hero. As I tell my sons, "A hero is only a sandwich". I am a daughter of Christ and, for that reason, I am at peace.

I have a funny story to share with all of you. It is an example of God teaching a loved one what we experience everyday. Yesterday morning, my son was in the restroom and he had been sitting for a long time. His legs fell asleep, as he had impinged a nerve and cut off circulation. As he tried to stand up, his head slammed into the wall across from him, and he cried out for help. My darling nurse, Teresa ran to help him.

He said " Mom, I think I had a stroke, my legs are numb."

I laughed until I wet my pants. I told him to calm down, that it was merely a lack of circulation and he would be fine in a few minutes. I told him that it was God giving him a taste of what I felt every time I fell and they laughed at me. My family was always so curious as to how I could just lose sensation and "hit the deck". Yes, Jesus does have a sense of humor and the outcome was hilarious. My son said he never realized before that what I described, as the sensation in my legs, could actually happen. Well, my friends, now he has a bump on his head to remind him :-).

I adore you all and all of your notes of encouragement. I will leave you with the Scripture verse that most suits the way I feel, I will not quote it, you must grab your bible and read it. Please keep it within your heart, as I do.
2 Corinthians 12:8-10.

May God bestow you an extra portion of love in return for the love you have shown me.

All my love in Christ, Diana


#4. From Karen

Dear MS Friends:
Diana just informed me she would like to receive your letters at this e-mail address: (I removed the address to protect the privacy of the family). She would love to hear from all of you for her time is very near. She wants us to keep up the e-mails, until her secretary informs us she is gone. Thanks for your many words of love and encouragement.

Sincerely, Karen
P.S.Diana can no longer read the ones posted on our message board.

At this point I wrote Diana a letter to her personal email address. I share that message now.


#5. From Victoria:

Dear Diana,
I can't imagine what you are going through. And yet, since I found out about you, I have thought about you very, very
much. Thanks for sharing with me.

I got so mad at myself today. I am 46, and have been a Christian since 1989, and yet I don't feel I have a quarter of the faith that you are displaying. I weigh 365 pounds. Since I've been sick with MS and Fibromyalgia for four years, I can't tolerate exercise and I feel so hopeless some days. Then I read what you have written and I feel so mad at myself and so moved by you and your courage and faith. You are blessing people -- I hope you know that.

I ask myself what is wrong with me, if someone who is dying has a better attitude than I do? I don't have the fear of dying that I used to, before I became a Christian, but I still get so discouraged, especially about my weight and having MS.

I wish I could say something to you that would have meaning, but I feel at such a loss for what you are going through. May I ask, how long have you known you were terminal? Have there been any books or anything special that have helped you? Are you writing a book? Do you have a publisher? May I ask what the name of your book is? May I ask what state you live in?

Diana... forgive me for asking this.... but.... are you afraid? Are you in pain? What comforts you? Our Lord, Jesus? I hope and pray so. I also hope He will forgive me, if I am asking stupid or inappropriate questions.

I noticed that your signature has a Ph.D. Are you a Psychologist?

I'm sorry. I'm probably wearing you out with all of my questions. I am a writer, too. Can you tell? I'm too curious for my own good.

I pray you have peace tonight and tomorrow, and the Lord will bless you in such a special way that you will KNOW it is Him speaking to you... Love, in His name, Victoria

P.S. Everyone misses you on the MS line....I can honestly say, in the very short time I've known you.... I will NEVER, EVER forget you, Diana.


#6. From Diana:

Dear Victoria,
Cathy came back this evening at 8:00 p.m.. We live in San Francisco, CA. She knew I was anxious to get another couple of chapters done, while the thoughts were still with me. She found your email, she read it to me and I can honestly say it gave me my Hallmark Commercial tears...in a good way, for you have so much potential.

First let me answer your questions. I have known I was terminal since I was a little girl. You see, Victoria, my mother committed suicide when I was very young. I remember a cousin remarking at her funeral "You know, we are all born terminal," At the time, I was 12 years old, and I realized that, although the comment was callous, it was true. We are born to die. So, at the tender age of 12, I decided each day was going to be the best I could make it.

As for books that help me: obviously, the Bible, but also books written by Og Mandino, Joseph Girzone and the "Chicken Soup For the Soul" books. I also like Robert Waller who wrote "The Bridges of Madison County", my very favorite, book, video and CD. I have read it three times, because it is similar to my life.

Yes, I am writing a book, and it is titled "A Memo To God". My publisher is Zondervan. The book will be published as soon as I have finished writing it, which will probably mean that the end will have a eulogy, for I have so much to say to the Guy upstairs :o).

I live in California, but then again I told you that already. Secretly I really live in the State of Sheer Panic, next to the state of Denial. I find comfort in my family and in Jesus. My husband is an Angel, he always has a smile on his face and, although he is not a Christian, he makes a far better Christian than 99% of them. He has never said a mean-spirited thing about a soul in the past 25 years. He is a Buddhist and is from the Philippines.

I am not afraid to die. I know that my destiny is in the Lord's hands and my trust is in Him.

Yes, I was a Psychologist. I stopped that career when my daughter died. It was a patient of mine who did it. He was angry because I had to stop seeing him and had a restraining order issued. He became infatuated and he was documentaly insane, and he never took his medications, so his Psychiatrist dumped him about the same time I did and he snapped.

I could not let anyone or anything harm me or my family in that way again, so I became a Professor at Stanford University.



Now, my advice to you. I, too was once over 300lbs. I was 340lbs, 5 years ago when I could still walk. I went on a low fat diet and walked 5 miles 4 times per week and I did some Yoga, I got down to 170lbs. which is actually ideal for my bone structure, I am 5'7" and fairly large framed. When I could no longer walk, I still did my yoga and isometric exercise. I also exercised in a pool, wearing a huge life belt, because I cannot swim.The life belt worked very well and made it possible for me to do exercises in the water...running and kicking and arm movements. There was no weight on my bones and the muscles worked well, due to the buoyancy of the water. Nine months ago, I had to stop the water exercises, because I could not get to the pool anymore.

Because of my illness, I am now 120 lbs., and I hate it. My husband always liked his women with "meat on their bones". He used to tell me that he didn't want people to think he could not provide well for his family or that he was a bad cook.

He is an Executive Chef, and was with the Cruise Liners, when I met him. I was 17, in college and an emancipated minor. I had graduated from high school at the age of 15 and had my Ph.D. by the time I was 24. I married at 17, had my first child at 18 and the second at 20. They are 23 and 25 now. They are my life, and have wonderful senses of humor and unlimited amounts of love.

That was the part of my message board post where I said let everyone know you love them daily. Make at least one person smile daily and remember life is short. That was how I became the way I am. Tragedies in my life have led to triumphs.

If my mother had not committed suicide, my father would have moved us forty miles from here. Prior to her death, they had bought a home, but he never moved into the house. Instead, he began to drink, very heavily. He remarried four times, after my mom's suicide. After stepmother #2, I became emancipated. I supported myself and did quite well. My grandmother had left me a nest egg, so I was able to live off that for a time, while attending college.

My father drove his car over a cliff in a rainstorm. He was four times over the legal limit for driving drunk. I went on a cruise to forget, and that's when I met my husband. In the time that followed, my sons were born, I finished school and had many, many happy years. All of this came to pass because my mother committed suicide, and a cousin had to make that "terminal" crack.

You see, Victoria, something wonderful can come from something very, very bad. I have had a happy life, and it is now time to join my family in heaven. I miss them so much. We did not have much time together.

I guess God thinks that I'm needed up there. Perhaps they have a shortage of sane shrinks or maybe my parents miss me, or my daughter needs me. I'd like to think that I have left a wonderful legacy, when I depart this earth. I am leaving behind two wonderful sons, who have my spirit, my love of the Lord and enough love for their future wives and children.

I constantly remind them that life is short, and to live each day without regret. If you have said even one thing to hurt another, apologize right away and be sincere. If you get home from a day out and realize that you were unusually short-tempered with a waitress or sales clerk, make sure you go back within two days and apologize, or call the store and let the manager know that it was your fault, because you were having a bad day. Learn to count to 100 before answering a sarcastic remark made to you. Better yet, wait until 24 hours before you reply to a stupid comment. Maybe the person does not have a clue that they are stupid, or ignorant or just plain old mean. Maybe they need you to make them smile.

Well, now I will give Cathy a chance to do what I need done...can you tell I, too, am a writer at heart? I am a born storyteller.

I am glad that I have blessed a few in the MS room. I miss the chat times there, but I cannot take advantage of Cathy like that. Just typing this is already a chore, for I can only speak between breaths and very slowly, almost like a drunk.

God Bless you Victoria, I shall pray for peace within your life. Get up girl, go shopping and stop having those Pity Parties!!! Pity Parties only have one guest and that guest is usually is a party pooper :o). Much Love, Diana "Where love is, there God is also"--Leo Tolstoy


#7. From Victoria:

Dear Diana,
You can't know how happy it made me to see another message come in from you! I know this probably sounds crazy, but I feel sort of a strange, spiritual kind of connection to you. Yes, I realize how that must sound and, as a Psychologist, what you might be thinking, but quite frankly, my dear, I don't know how much more time we have to get acquainted! So, I just have to spit it out, takes too much time "beating around the bush".

Diana, your life, although certainly full of tragedy, sounds so very interesting. You could easily have written a book about what you shared with me in your last email.

Your legacy? Oh, Diana, that's how I think I feel connected to you. Your legacy is your HEART, Diana. You have a deeply loving, sensitive, creative, and beautiful heart. I really feel this is coming from the Lord. For the period of time I will be blessed to share your friendship, I WILL NEVER, EVER FORGET YOUR HEART.

DIANA'S HEART. That is what people will remember...your laughter, your love, your huge sweet heart.

Is that what you think I'm doing, having a pity party?? Hmmmm.... I'll have to give that some thought.

I also like "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books. I am currently reading "Chicken Soup for the Pet Lover's Soul". I love it.

I can't walk, because I can't tolerate it. But I ordered one of those "old fashioned" door knob thingies - you know, the rope thing - and I am going to try that. I can't get up enough nerve to try the pool yet (swimming suit, you know), but I am trying to work on improving things one day at a time.

I am the eldest of six children and our father is an alcoholic, who was about the fourth person to sexually molest me at age 17. From that point on, I had no identity and sought solace, and anything else I could find there, in food. At the age of 46, I think part of my problem is I'm just worn out from trying to "fix me" after all these years. HOWEVER, I AM NOT giving up.

Diana, I prayed earlier tonight that the Lord would help you to breathe a little better.

Well, I can't cram everything I would like to tell you about myself into this letter. Believe it or not, I don't usually just open up like this to someone so quickly. But then, this isn't that "usual" of a situation, do you think?

You know, Diana, someday we WILL meet. I may not be the best Christian, but I am saved by the blood and mercy of Jesus. So, someday we will meet as sisters in Christ. I can't wait to meet you in person. In the meantime, can we be friends?

God bless and be with you. Hope to correspond with you soon. I want a copy of your book when it comes out. Love you in Jesus, Your friend, Victoria :) Romans 8:28.


#8. From Diana:

Dear Victoria,
My secretary was answering the last email of the day, when yours arrived. I am thankful and grateful to all of you who have taken the time to write and are genuinely concerned about me personally.

I have has MS for eight years and ALS for about 6 months, that we know of. Many of the ALS symptoms were masked by the MS. We only knew when I started to have trouble breathing and swallowing.

Victoria, I have a great amount of faith in God, He is my Rock. I will not sugar coat it and say there haven't been days when I haven't screamed at him with anger at what I have had to endure and what I will miss. But, Victoria, I then remember what I will have in heaven and I am at peace. I will get to see my parents, grandparents and my 10-year old daughter, who was brutally murdered many years ago. I will be able to walk again and dance again, I will be able to look over my sons and my husband, as a Guardian Angel. I will be happy and able to smile.

Right now I don't have the muscle control to smile or frown. When tears roll down my face, my family cannot judge the reason. I cry when I am sad and I cry when I am happy. I cry when I pray to the Lord and I cry during AT&T and Hallmark commercials. I even cry, when I watch Shirley Temple in Heidi. So, these poor dears are totally perplexed at what I am crying about.

You may write me any time, and you may ask me anything. I have nothing to hide and I certainly do not fear retribution. I look forward to your emails. Please forgive me, if they are a day or two late in the answer. I have overloaded my dear, sweet secretary, friend, confidant and Kleenex official, Cathy, with mounds of e-mail and my hurry to finish my book.

I will await your reply and, if I do not hear from you beforehand, please have a joyous and blessed Easter. Yours in Christ, Diana "Where Love Is, There God is also"--Leo Tolstoy


#9. From Cathy:

Dear Victoria,
I came back last evening. Diana's son sent a message to the MS Club. She passed away on Good Friday at, 11:55 p.m.. I had my laptop and forwarding all of her quotes and comments to her friends, not realizing, until my plane arrived and I was paged, that Diana had died while I was flying home.

I spent about four hours with my family and returned back to California. She died in peace with her family by her side. We have many arrangements to make and many loose ends to tie up.

I now know why she was in such a hurry to complete the book. I will have her sons add the final chapter.

I am so sorry that I had to give you this news on Easter, but I promised to let you as soon as I could. Feel free to contact me at this same email address, should you have any questions.

Today we are remaining on a "shutdown mode", physically, and mentally. Her Rosary is tomorrow night (Monday) and the funeral on Tuesday. God Bless, Cathy


#10. From Victoria:

Dear Cathy,
I know you said you are on "shutdown mode", so I don't expect you to answer this today.

It is strange, but Friday, when I e-mailed, I was sitting here and an empty feeling came over me. Aloud, I said to God, "Lord it feels like she's gone, like she's not here anymore." But I didn't know. This whole thing is so incredible to me.

Diana was really only a part of my life for a few days, but I connected with her spirit, and I know I will never forget her.

Did she get to finish her book, Cathy? I prayed for that. I knew it was important to her. I want so much to read it and have a "piece of Diana" I can hold, when it is published.

Are her sons doing okay? I am so grateful you say she went in peace. That was also a prayer of mine for her. Bless her.... bless her.

Cathy, will you think about you and I continuing to correspond? I would like that.

Please send my sympathy to her family and friends. We are going to miss her loveliness, but she is now absent from the body which hindered her.... and present with the Lord. Holy is His name.

My love, thoughts and prayers are with you all. Love, Victoria


Dear Readers,

Can you see how horrible MS and other similar conditions can be? Can you also see, as Diana said, how much good can come from being spiritually strengthened due to difficult situations? Diana was an amazing woman and, although our friendship was ever so brief, I am honored to have known her. She touched me through the pain of her illness in a place in my heart, that will never be the same.

I continue to correspond with her family. Cathy, her best friend and secretary, is now my friend. Diana's son, is now my 'adopted' little brother. He had to fly to Yugoslavia on Saturday. He is a fighter pilot. Please pray for his safety.

I never would have met these wonderful people in another situation. Am I praising MS and ALS? NO! Absolutely not. I AM saying that special things and people can come out of the most tragic situations sometimes. It did for me.

I got to be a part of Diana's "Legacy". I got to know and be touched by Diana's heart. I hope you were, too. Love, Victoria

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