"The First Milestone"

by Monica Petter


It is funny when I look back. I hated it when I turned twenty-five. I hated everything about trying to figure out what I was supposed to do in life, having no roadmap. I have always been driven, a planner. Then, thirty came around. I sighed with relief and wiped those dirty twenties off of me. They seemed such a waste – caught between all the women I looked up to and the painful teenage years.


Today I looked in the mirror and realized that I am the age of those women I always looked to with admiration and envy. A few lines here and there just for mature character, a few gray hairs no one sees for the blonde, a few scars rightfully earned everyone sees in the corners of my smile and in the attic of my soul – my eyes. I stick out my tongue at the woman in the mirror – woman being the operative word – yet I still feel like a twenty something but with much more know-how, much more weight in my hand and in my step. I’ll soon be thirty-five.


Thirty-five is my milestone. I may say this very thing when I am forty or fifty, but this is my first. The first time I have truly thought about my humanity. Sure I feel a certain age, but I have now fallen into my own category – the one I had created and cradled always striving to get to – and it is here.


I don’t know it all, but I know myself. I don’t lie to myself or try to convince myself, falling into denial or false pretenses. I have done plenty of that in my twenties. I am honest. I have figured out what pushes my buttons, what butters my bread, what turns me on and off. I have delved into the depths of my soul crying rivers of tears and walking through green lush forests of peace and tranquility. I have experienced enough to know better, but I still possess the youthful feeling of possibility. I haven’t grown up yet.

Though my body can’t bend and twist quite as quickly, my mind can do it even more; my mind sharp as tacks, my mouth closed and guarded. Wiser than the spewing fountains that flow from the immature, the unaware. For, life is a game and how you play it gives you power or takes it away. I hoard power and respect behind a smile. I find that love is so different than I used to imagine. It is better, grander than words. I am very passionate in subtle, every day ways. I enjoy love; find it more playful with the one you are intimately involved. I still have lots to learn and I revel in the practice.


I may smile like the sweet young lady you always knew, but know that behind the dimpled smile is a smart woman. I won’t be swayed or fooled easily, but I also won’t allude to my hidden talents. I have learned that sugar goes further than vinegar in all avenues. If you think me innocent, think again. I’ve been flawed and clawed by the best of them. I wouldn’t have it any other way. What real woman would? 

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