"Feel Good"

by Monica Petter


Sometimes it is the spirit that needs the test. The body is already tired, worn. The spirit follows suit in times of transition or change. We all take for granted our neat little box, our structure. The small world we have created surely will begin tomorrow just like we all planned. That is our first and most arrogant mistake. We simply think we control things. The sun will rise upon our command and we will run through our list of daily chores rather mindlessly like rats running a wheel.


We get caught up in the fancy and comfort of the wheel. We get irritated when life steps on our toes and disrupts our ease. How dare life? We slip at times. We don’t want to admit it. We don’t have all the answers. We don’t have a firm grip on the sun and moon. We just don’t care or even fathom that we are merely tiny pieces of a large world and that we are as disposable as yesterdays newspaper.


Fall into the depths of a few pits of life’s quicksand and you’ll find humility. It will rain down on you and make you feel it to the bone. Life’s pitfalls are no coincidence. I don’t believe in coincidence. We seem to create what we need and call it just that.


My soul, tired, searching, created my own trap. I spun my own web with my own mindless deeds. The daily things distracting me, pushing down fears, while empowering those very fears – a vicious circle.


I forgot myself amidst fear. I wore routine as my safety. I felt nothing. It was terribly shallow and empty to feel nothingness. Silence the greatest knife to the spirit. I felt cold and isolated by my own hand, yet unable to free myself. It seemed the more I tread my feet through the sludge, the deeper I got caught up in the trivial.


In steps illness, time. Time to sit and think, listen to a month of Sundays tick by on the grandfather clock. Time to really look in the mirror – to fail. Ah, failure was redeeming. It felt so good, so cleansing. It relieved that dull pain from running. Yet, I was back to nothingness.


In every corner there is our feel good. Sometimes, we can’t find it for all the bright shiny needs that call out our names with red and gold glitter.


Feel good is the sketchpad and pencil on the desk inviting you. It’s that photo album you put together when you used to have time. Remember that one? Feel good hides in the corner of your brain reminding you of who you are. You are only what you invest in this life. You can’t withdraw what you didn’t deposit. Ask anyone who ever invested in themselves or others. Feel good reminds you of the times that you stretched yourself for someone else – not for a reward, just to massage your soul.


Illness, sickness, all leaving the body now. The body is weak, fragile. The soul is enlightened, raw. Knowing a path, but not the steps or the method. Caution will ensue for a while. New insight will be the North Star guiding new experiences. Will we get caught up in the mire of our own little circle again?


Sure. Everyone will. It just matters from time to time to wear other shoes. Some that are battered, uncomfortable, and even too big in order to remind you of how lucky and fortunate you are – brew new compassion, burn new desires. For until you’ve been there, you’ve never really been there. Welcome the pitfalls. Embrace the mire and sludge. Feel good will be trapped in that corner somewhere – waiting for you – again.

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