Who Am I?
by Carol Klingsmith
My Story & Poems
(I was Dx'ed in 1991 w/RRMS.
It changed to SPMS in 2004 and has steadily gotten worse)
God is the Author of our lives, and our lives are a reflection of the joy of His creation. How the story is written is often a tapestry woven with the threads of happiness and of pain, joys and sorrows. I have chosen writing as a way to share my story, my journey of knowing God more fully. Writing serves as a way to share with others on this pilgrimage that God does have a plan for us-not to harm us, but to prosper us, to give us a hope and a future. Through poetry and journaling I draw closer to Christ as I express my longings and desires, my fears and triumphs. Writing reminds me of what David must have gone through and how he drew closer to God's heart through His Psalms.
I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 1991. MS affects anything the central nervous system controls – walking, speech, balance, coordination, writing, the optic nerve and eyesight, the basics of daily living. For the first thirteen years or so, it popped up every now and then. It would mostly affect my walking abilities for a week or two, and then it would more or less disappear. In the last year and a half my walking has taken a big turn for the worse and I have learned to keep the verse, "My grace is sufficient for all your needs" before me every day. When I finally lay down at night, I thank the Lord for His grace which has gotten me through another challenging day. Things that were once so easy for me, like jumping up and fixing a meal or more simply walking across a room or carrying a glass of water, are now mountains for me to conquer. And I find my once fiercely independent self very dependent on others for everyday things. It is a humbling experience and yes, God's grace is sufficient.
I wrote the following poem one night when I was overwhelmed and despair wanted to settle in, like an unwelcome guest for the night.
In My Darkest Hours
In my darkest hours
O Lord, you hold me close
You hear the beat of my heart.
But I am drowning in my fears
I know you hold every tear I've cried
You promise to never abandon me.
So why do I feel so alone, so lost?
So afraid?
As the storm rages around me
I barely hear Your whisper, "I am with you."
But I will cling to you, my Rock, my salvation
Show yourself to me today
Increase my faith and help me
To grow in your grace.
Before Scott and I were married in 1980, I made a wall hanging for him with a verse from Jeremiah 29:11:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
I hold that verse very close in my heart, especially now. I choose to believe in His goodness and in His plan, in spite of feeling not very useful at times any more, in spite of hardly being able to put one foot in front of the other or write very well. I do not know where all this will end, but I choose to trust God and His plan for our lives – and He gives me hope.
Who Am I?
As I lose more of what I think
makes "me" who I am...
remind me of who I am in You
and where I fit in your plan
As I lose more of me
doing simple tasks of life,
remind me that I am a daughter of the King
and you created me for your pleasure
You desire a broken and contrite spirit.
Use this broken vessel for Your work, Lord,
and make me whole in you
fill my life with you
For it's not about me, Jesus,
But about you,
for your honor and glory
I cannot see my life without you in it.
Heal me, as you see fit
and teach me contentment.
Take the broken pieces of my life
and fill me with your joy,
your peace, your love
for your kingdom
Mold my heart and help me
be faithful and obedient,
trusting in you to see your goodness
with a thankful heart,
singing praises to your name, O Lord.
Psalm of Joy
I choose today
to live in God’s light,
to be consumed by His love
I choose today to shelter in His wings
because to shelter in the world offers
no warmth, no peace
I choose today to run to His strong tower,
for towers of men turn to dust and decay
and offer no hope, no sanctuary
I choose today His grace
which He lavishes on me
and is sufficient for all my needs
I choose today to be thankful
for gratitude flows from the mercy
God has so richly given to me
I choose today the light of His Being
that turns my darkness into brilliance
where I can stay in His shadow
and He shelters me, safe and secure
I choose today to be a child of faith
when dark clouds threaten to overwhelm me,
when fears try to drown me
I choose today to let my soul cling to Him,
holding fast to His hand, resting in His palm
I choose Him because He first chose me
and calls me daughter, princess, belovèd
I choose to discover His joy
and His delight in me for His glory
I choose Jesus
Oct 2005
Broken Pieces of Pottery
My life – broken pieces of pottery
once it was whole by the potter’s skillful hand.
But time and affliction have cracked the vessel
dreams shattered of first desires.
What felt complete is partial
and everything is different
from what the original purpose seemed to be.
Once the vessel was useful,
filled with water to serve;
now it leaks through the fissures
that were sealed and smooth not so long ago
But broken pieces of pottery
when held in the master’s hand
become a new vessel
if given over to His care.
The shaping isn’t easy,
often filled with tears and pain
but when given with faith into His hand,
His grace provides the strength to overcome.
The hard part is seeing His plan
for I am bound by limitations.
It’s hard to let go
this stubborn grip on my life,
emptying myself of me,
to see what the master can do
with fragments of clay.
Trials and brokenness are unwelcome
but if I let His healing hands
touch what is broken
I can become a new bearer of His light.
Lord, my prayer to you, today and every day;
may this weak jar of clay
that is cracked, worn and damaged,
be refreshed by your love and
let your light burn bright within me.
The master takes each broken piece
and sets it with His hand
knowing intimately the perfect fit
and places the shards anew.
The cracks still show, the surface no longer smooth
but His pure and holy light
pour out the chinks,
letting His love show through.
No longer filled the way it once was,
a new design takes form,
created for your purposes
though hidden to me.
May this newly fashioned vessel
bring you glory, pleasure, delight.
Fill me with your joy, the presence of Christ
and let your light shine through.
Feb 2007
These words rolled around in my head for a long time, This year has been discouraging on many fronts, but the road leads me back to Jesus and the encouragement “to keep on keeping on,” knowing that He’s in control and that He loves me, that I am His child – not needing to know the “whys” or the “hows” or the “what ifs” of my story, even though I surely want to. But resting contentedly in His arms, feeling the beat of His heart that was broken for me, and being thankful that He does know the end of the story. Of course, all this is easier said than done, because the reality is that it’s just hard, hoping when I wake up, things might be better, but finding they aren’t. And realizing things probably won’t be till the joyful release of heaven.
Doorstep of Heaven
I stand at the doorstep of Heaven,
knowing that pure grace, pure love, live there.
Mercy and joy create a symphony of perfect light
heralding the brilliance of Christ.
Your Song swells with intricate harmonies
and intertwining melodies that speak of ages old.
Your laughter resounds off the cliffs
and reverberates down the canyons!
I gaze with imperfect eyes
knowing someday, I will enter in.
The chaotic rhythm of my life with discordant sounds,
the harsh clanging of brokenness and strife…
are healed by your gentle touch.
Lord, make my life a joyful song for you,
with sweet refrains that bring glory to your name.
Help me share your Song to a world that is lost
and so in need of your grace!
You broke your Father’s heart to mend mine
so that I could live with you for all eternity!
Breathe your breath of heaven into my mind,
bringing your light
into my darkened chasms,
pouring your Spirit onto my thirsty soul.
letting your sunbeams splash into my life,
allowing me to shine for you
for your Name and for Your sake.
– Amen
Feb 2007
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