2005

by Monica Petter

When I look back over the undercurrents of the past year, I see a lot of pregnant pauses, little milestones, losses, emotional growth, but mostly – change. I have changed more this year than most. No great explosions or debris along the trip, just a lot of introspection and understanding in the road I have been walking in life. A road not always paved, a peace with the uncertainty of the trek. Love of the journey. I think listening to each footstep is invigorating and unique. This year has been a year of internal cartwheels, sometimes over broken glass, but mostly through fields of wildflowers sprung from knowledge, a philosophy all mine.

I have been living more than writing and that in turn fuels more writing. It is a circle. I have been living the wisdom in lessons from past mistakes, and I have been basking in some personal goals achieved. I have been missing a certain force in my life that left me too soon – he was the flame beneath my feet. Now, the fire is different. He is still there whispering in my ear, but I have had to take the reigns and steer my own balloon of dreams. I hear his soft voice often kicking me to get with it. I love it. I have closed some doors and wrote down my own version of failures in my past. I wouldn’t truly call them failures, just promise never achieved because I took so much from the experience. Life is about growth. I put some demons to bed and I learned a few token lessons on empathy and compassion in my own soul. I have also reached some personal mountaintops. The view more grandiose, more breathtakingly well earned than I could ever imagine. It is amazing what you miss digging, clawing, and scratching your way up. 

So, why am I writing now about 2005? It was an odd year. The fastest year I have ever lived. The most chaotic, roller coaster I’ve ever ridden. But mostly, I think I found myself changing amidst the head-spinning ride. I think my every experience intersected and it had nothing to do with one thing or the other, just the collective whole. The picture a collage of broken pieces, odd shapes, creating my portrait, my face. The pieces composed of disease, death, determination, inspiration, wildflowers, sunsets, anger, compassion, empathy, struggle, love, joy, peace, imagination – change. Like a moth in a cocoon, I am wrapped in the shadows of the past year, yet I am changing into an even deeper, stronger, smarter version of myself. Who knows when I will emerge? Who knows what I will look like? I love anticipation. I’m sure when you meet me, you’ll see it in my face, you’ll hear it in my inflection, you’ll know it in my words. Sweet words just waiting for me to use them….and I will, just wait.