Crip 'Tude for the TAB Dude

by Dean Kramer
March, 2004

You aren’t disabled yourself, yet, but let’s say you have a disabled friend. Because, let’s face it, Honey, we all know someone who is disabled whether we approve of it or not, whether we want to admit it or not. Am I right? You know I am. You want them to be comfortable visiting in your home, maybe spending the weekend, maybe you’re even thinking of proposing marriage to a disabled person. Or, maybe you’re thinking of becoming disabled yourself (hey, it could happen to anyone) and you want to be prepared. And even if you don’t have MS or get hit by a truck and survive, if you’re lucky you’re gonna get old, Honey.

You know your house isn’t quite right, but you don’t know what to do. So you apply as a makeover candidate on that fabulous, zany TV show, “Crip ‘Tude for the TAB Dude” And by golly, you’ve been chosen! Now they’re at your house, giving you all the tools and advice you need and, in the process, revealing the compassionate, architecturally correct, ADA-compliant person you’ve kept hidden for so long. And here we go…

OK, the first thing I see a need for is a threshold ramp here at the front door, and another there by the back one. You can do them in a nice black steel that goes well with classic furnishings and hardwood floors. You can also get them in chromed steel for a more modern Techie look. Power outlets are all going to have to be raised. Light switches are all going to have to be lowered. You need to be able to reach as much as possible from a seated position. Next, the staircase to the second floor… I mean, really, what will you need a staircase for if you can’t climb stairs? Put a lift on it, Baby. You can get a very tasteful one in, say, desert rose or storm blue, with a matching closed vertical rail instead of those old-fashioned greasy open rails that collected so much grime.

Now, as to the bathroom, the first thing we’re going to do is put offset hinges on that door. That allows you to get a wheelchair in and out without leaving unsightly bruises and scrapes on the backs of the hands, see? It gives you another three inches of clearance. And grab-bars! I want to see grab-bars everywhere—by the commode, in the shower, by the sink. You can get them in knurled chrome which not only adds exciting texture but is a safety feature as well. And while we’re at it, let’s get you a better shower arrangement. Stepping over the tub side is for losers, so, here are your options: You can get a nice sliding transfer bench. Of course you’ll still have to lift your legs (or have someone lift them for you.) Hey! That could be a fun kind of couple togetherness—her lifting your legs for you! No? Well, how about a roll-in shower? We’ll pull out your whole tub enclosure, see, and put in a shower you can roll a wheelchair right into. Voila! No more tub sides! You won’t want to sit in a bath tub anyway. I mean, with MS, hot baths are verboten, and old people have been known to get stuck in tubs. We can’t have that. Forget about a vanity cabinet with a sink, too.

Crip Tip: A pedestal sink is fashionably retro and perfect for wheelchair users, allowing them to get right up to the bowl.

Gosh! Staircases, bath tubs—why bother keeping things you don’t need and can’t use? Get rid of the clutter, I say. OK, next, all those scatter rugs have got to go. They are a menace. If you want to be a dashing dodderer, to stagger with a swagger, to spaz with the jazz, you can’t afford rugs bunching up underfoot. You’ll end up taking a header and you will be toast! Carpeting? Well, that’s one of those individual decisions. If you’re thinking manual wheelchair it’s probably best to forego the carpeting—too hard to roll over, waste of upper-body energy. But if you have a walker with those glide-skis, or a powerchair, or if you’re still walking but looking forward to an occasional whoopsie-daisy, then go for it! Be careful not to get too deep a pile. Get a good quality carpet with an even surface and a nice thick pad underneath it.

Into the bedroom…uh-oh…you need some rails on that bed. Too hospital for you? Maybe you’d prefer the firehouse ambience of a floor-to-ceiling grab pole? At the very least you should have a strap so you can pull yourself upright. Bed height is another of those individual choices—too low and it can be difficult to stand up, too high and it’s hard to clamber into. Choose the height that’s right for your level of disability. You can experiment with risers. There are attractive black plastic ones or, for a more rustic appearance, bricks work wonders! You can saw off the legs of wooden beds. But remember, though you can always go lower, once you’ve cut the legs down you can’t glue them back on. Other than that, the bedroom is mostly a matter of safe, convenient places to sit. You can scatter some colorful plastic dressing toys around; long shoe horns, grabber-reachers, and sock pullers. And finally, since there may be times in the dark middle of the night when getting from bed to bathroom is just not do-able, I would suggest a commode chair in either chrome or white plastic. Don’t forget to park the paper close by!

Crip Tip: Speaking of dark nights, you’ll want a night-light in every room. There are so many to choose from, let your imagination run wild!

On to the kitchen! Oh, my dear, that Mikasa dinner service is gorgeous! But I’m afraid it’s Corelle Livingware for you from now on. Watch and I’ll show you why…here are two platters loaded with chili-mac. See what happens when I drop the Mikasa on the floor? But look at the difference with the Corelle! In either case, there’s chili-mac from one end of the room to the other, but the Corelle dish is intact while the Mikasa is way beyond even Superglue.

The same goes for glassware. Forget about it. You won’t be able to get down on the floor, Babe, and you can’t afford the cut fingers and feet. They’re making very nice stemware out of acrylic these days. So, head for your nearest home décor emporium and stock up.

To accommodate a perpetually seated cook, try rearranging all of your cabinet space using a lot of those little plastic containers and vinyl-coated wire baskets from Wal-Mart. These come in a variety of colors ranging from white through light blue and pink. There’s sure to be one to please you! And how about tearing out the divider under the sink so as to make a knee-hole for wheelchair users to reach the faucet? You can hide all those grungy under-the-sink items with a solid colored poly-vinyl curtain that coordinates with your new poly-vinyl tablecloth. (As a member of Future Klutzes of America, you won’t want to use delicate, easily stained fabric cloths anymore.)

Crip Tip: Colorful, disposable paper napkins give your dinner settings some real panache and with so many to pick from you need never set the same table twice!

Of course there is still plenty left to revamp here. The surface has just been scratched. Unfortunately, for now we’ve run out of time, and energy, and (frankly) inspiration. But we will return another time for more Crip ‘Tude for the TAB Dude.