When Friends and Family Abandon You

[SEAMSGUY]

I've read a number of posts in various threads about friends and family essentially abandoning us because of our MS. Honestly, I used to think that this only happens to "other people". But lately I've been waking up to the fact that this is very much alive and well in my life.

Like many of us, I have people in both categories that I simply don't hear from anymore. I'm pretty much homebound so it's difficult to go see anyone. I send emails to people to check in and many times don't receive any kind of response, even when refraining from mentioning MS.

It's made me think that I should probably never mention MS again, because many clearly don't want to hear it. It's also made me wonder how many times I did the same things to others, "pre-MS".

I'm not looking for any solutions, I'm just kind of mini-venting. But it would be informative to hear your stories.

And as has happened in other recent threads, please don't tell me what I'm doing "wrong". I don't think there are any of us on here that want or need that kind of "advice".

[hunterd]

first of all, I don't think you were doing anything wrong. It's not like you had anything to do with getting MS, the same way people have nothing to do with getting cancer. It strikes whomever it pleases and there is really nothing you can do about it ( after you receive the diagnosis). IMO others are fearful of the unknown and they distance themselves because of it. Sometimes it is selfish, and sometimes it is not. Go on living your life anyway you can.

[lynng1776]

alone

hi seamsguy, I understand your plight. I'm pretty much in the same boat. I'm 60 and living on ssd. i have a brother and a sister. My brother lives in florida near me, but he has psych problems. he is nuts, literally. my sister lives in pa, but i have had ms so long "she can't deal with it anymore." So i write messages for most of the day.

[Evolvn916]

Friends and Family Abandon You?

Seamsguy. Yes. I have experienced the same thing from both friends and family. They were extremely supportive initially. But, as time went on they lost interest.

Here's my thoughts. Most people don't want to hear about MS or any other chronic illness that they don't understand. In some cases, they may be overwhelmed with their own issues and just don't want to hear it. Everybody's got something.

As you mentioned, I don't talk about MS anymore (except on the MS site). When people ask how I am doing I just say, "I'm good". I then quickly steer the conversation into something they find interesting (their lives) or something general.

I honestly remember avoiding people, in the past, who frequently complained about illness or personal issues. I would find it exhausting especially when I couldn't do anything to help. I even avoid very, very long negative threads on this and many of the MS sites. Thank goodness there are people out there who are very patient and helpful in those matters. So, I get it!

I am working really hard to try not to take things so personal. I have MS and it has changed the quality of my life. I periodically email or text people. If they don't respond after 2 attempts I leave them alone.

MS has changed the quality of my life. Now, I am trying to figure out how to continue living a purpose drive life! With all of the up and downs it is not easy, but hey that's life.

[KatieAgain]

X-Husband freaked out over my diagnosis. It got abusive.

I would fall down he would step over me...and go about his business.

He told me how broken I was.

He made get on a treadmill during a flare. I wiped out...he laughed.

I got out of bed one night and fell into a window and broke it. He told me to be quite he was trying to sleep.

I finally got fed up and divorced him.

When guys ask me out I say no...MS is a journey for one. I am quite firm about it. I will never allow anyone to treat me like that again.

That's my story...no solution...no advice. Hope it helped.

[Jules A]

Seamsguy. Yes. I have experienced the same thing from both friends and family. They were extremely supportive initially. But, as time went on they lost interest.

Here's my thoughts. Most people don't want to hear about MS or any other chronic illness that they don't understand. In some cases, they may be overwhelmed with their own issues and just don't want to hear it. Everybody's got something.

As you mentioned, I don't talk about MS anymore (except on the MS site). When people ask how I am doing I just say, "I'm good". I then quickly steer the conversation into something they find interesting (their lives) or something general.

I honestly remember avoiding people, in the past, who frequently complained about illness or personal issues. I would find it exhausting especially when I couldn't do anything to help. I even avoid very, very long negative threads on this and many of the MS sites. Thank goodness there are people out there who are very patient and helpful in those matters. So, I get it!

I am working really hard to try not to take things so personal. I have MS and it has changed the quality of my life. I periodically email or text people. If they don't respond after 2 attempts I leave them alone.

MS has changed the quality of my life. Now, I am trying to figure out how to continue living a purpose drive life! With all of the up and downs it is not easy, but hey that's life.

Very well written.

I also am trying to ensure that I have the resources to care for myself without assistance so although I might be lonely I won't be financially dependent on anyone.

[Thinkimjob]

It is strange. The older the friend, the harder they seem to find it. Which is cool, because I fear I'd be the same.
Ten years of looking after Nana, dementia, hypochondriac complaining and bad, bad, temper. Never a thing wrong with her, until, age 93, dementia. I understand. Friends were fine with tha.

No fun in that. I have always tried to be the poster girl for MS. No complaints, I am woman hear me roar, suck it up, oh no I'm fine, which in the end is a load of bull.

Now there's not too much sympathy left for me. Hey and ho.

Always thought I'd cope with solitary confinement.

[hunterd]

I had something strange happened to me last evening. A friend of mine whom I have not seen in 25 years (and he knows all about my MS and me being in a wheelchair) moved back into town and wanted to get together. After so many of my friends (ALMOST ALL) have abandoned me, this came as a breath of fresh air. I just wanted to share that story. About the time you have completely given up, something happens to change your outlook. To say the least, I am a happy camper today.

[SEAMSGUY]

Thanks for all you stories and insight, everyone. Like so many things we learn from each other here, it's a bit comforting to know that this isn't just something happening to me.

I sure appreciate each of you, thank you for being here.

[fishead]

X-Husband freaked out over my diagnosis. It got abusive.

I would fall down he would step over me...and go about his business.

He told me how broken I was.

He made get on a treadmill during a flare. I wiped out...he laughed.

I got out of bed one night and fell into a window and broke it. He told me to be quite he was trying to sleep.

I finally got fed up and divorced him.

When guys ask me out I say no...MS is a journey for one. I am quite firm about it. I will never allow anyone to treat me like that again.

That's my story...no solution...no advice. Hope it helped.

Wow KateAgain,
I am sorry that your ex was so hurtful and cruel.

This journey truly IS for ONE. Sad but seems that is true.

[palmtree]

It's so true. I can understand if someone abandons me because I complain too much etc. But it hasn't been like that. My sister abandoned me immediately as soon as the dx was final. When I got my MRI back I wrote her and she said I was over reacting and jumping to conclusions. When I landed in the hospital I really wanted a sister by my side. But, no. She was busy baking cakes that looked like her dog for a cake baking contest.

I had a therapist that I had a long term relationship with. She told me she and her husband would never abandon me. Well, her husband walked out on her and a year later she told me it was too hard because there was so little she could do to help my situation.

The first few times I was in the hospital, my son and his father visited me every evening. But last summer, when I had a stroke, my son only came once with his girlfriend.

They just get tired.

[pennstater]

I find that people don't email as much. It is all about texting, tweets, and some Facebook. It is hard to sustain meaningful relationships that way. It is good when you see or talk to someone regularly, but is just a quick update otherwise. Just seems that this day and age, people don't put time in, just too busy getting thru their daily lives. I do understand to a point.


I have been fortunate, but also do not have the disability level others have. So I am anticipating it will happen if/when I progress more. I figure that way, I won't be disappointed.

I am grateful if people are always here to support each other when most needed.

[Marie12]

I do pray, and I know that Jesus has and still does help me

I don't have a car, but I do have food, shelter, clothing. Hey my clothing looks fine, even though most of it is twenty five years old. Hey, I had to buy nice office clothes, when I was still working.

I never put it in the dryer, just washer, then hung it up. So now, I just look at my nice clothes, since no one else will see them. I do still hang it up to dry, no dryer.

I remember when my mother died of colon cancer at age sixty nine. She asked my to take her shopping. I couldn't figure out why she wanted to go shopping, since she was obviously not feeling well.

So, after she got home, she didn't take the tags off of the clothes, too tired. Well, before the funeral, the clothes were gone. I guess my sister-in-law went through her closets, and since the clothes still had the tags on them, she knew my mother hadn't worn them.

So, when I looked for clothes for Mom's funeral, I couldn't find them. They were gone. Hmm, makes me think. And also I have offered a ton of forgiveness.http://msworld.org/forum/images/smilies/rose.gif Some things are just beyond belief.

[Imagine]

Please, just try 2 think about this (everyone else this is applicable to)

X-Husband freaked out over my diagnosis. It got abusive.

I would fall down he would step over me...and go about his business.

He told me how broken I was.



When guys ask me out I say no...MS is a journey for one. I am quite firm about it. I will never allow anyone to treat me like that again.

That's my story...no solution...no advice. Hope it helped.

Katie, I am so very sorry that you are feeling like this. I can empathize to a certain extent. I WAS a battered wife for 10 years (I am a family therapist and he- a psychologist) go figure.

W/out the very long story, I was sick for quite a while before my diagnosis. He took THAT VERY PERSONALLY. I found an apartment for him when our daughter was 17mos old... and finally divorced him 3(+) years later; didn't end there. I left the country- another long story. Suffice to say I'm back.

I was diagnosed after a 10 day stay in the hospital for TV.

My 16yo daughter is angry about my illness and has decided to stay w/her father. I was in no way prepared for THAT, as we were so close I never thought anything could come between us.

Please understand that this next part is not about lecturing/preaching @/toward you b/c I have been where you are; and truthfully- I have learned much about life and my responsibility in it. The #1 thing that I've learned is that no one is responsible for my happiness other than ME.

You made a fantastic start by divorcing a man who only brought you pain and would have done so, ms or not. I am convinced that we are designed to need others, and that there are no journeys to be taken alone.

Those who have abandoned you, let it be and let it go. Use what energy you have to reach out and connect with others who are worthy of you. Stop viewing yourself as broken- as long as you are breathing you have something to offer, and the capacity to receive. Telling part of your story on this site is a huge step--- you'll never know how many lives you touched by doing so.

Wow, I have more to say but I am sooo exhausted Know that you are not alone unless that's what you choose.

Be Well and feel free to contact me anytime. Shalom, Suzanne

[tommylee]

It's made me think that I should probably never mention MS again, because many clearly don't want to hear it. It's also made me wonder how many times I did the same things to others, "pre-MS".

That is what I do. I try to avoid talking about it because nothing repels people like illness.
When people notice me staggering or moving in an uneasy manner, I just say I have brain damage and people seem to accept that ok without the squirming or feeling repulsed.

Many years ago I had an acquaintance that I worked out with sometimes say he did not want to share equipment with me because he did not want what I have.
Oh well, new friends are not impossible to find and most of the time they are more accepting.