Starting to Question Myself All Over Again...

I was very happy when my dh declared that he was impressed with how well I have been doing. Of course, my parents were here during much of that time, so keeping up with laundry and dishes was MUCH easier. Now that they are gone back home (for several weeks now), I am finding it difficult to keep up with things again.

It isn't that I was good at it before, but I'm finding that some of the same issues that were going on before (and, of course, are still here) are making it very difficult to focus on life in general. Let me give you just a few examples. It may give you a better picture.

My daughter, though seeing a Play Therapist under the supervision of a psychologist, is still having a REALLY difficult time with fears and the OCD behaviors that result from them. This is very stressful to me, as we are just learning ways to cope, and they don't always work (not to mention the fact that I hate stairs and often am fatigued by going to her when she is frightened).

I started attending workshops at the college where I have been an adjunct. With my dh's blessing, I told the administration that I was available to teach one class in the fall (had been told a slot would be held for me). However, I'm uncertain, suddenly, as to whether that is the best choice. All of my dh's classes will be from noon/1:00ish to 7 pm M-F. That means that I will be THE parent in charge from after school is over until bedtime 4 days/week. It's exhausting just thinking about it.

I'm also worried about my dd moving to the next grade level. She has enough difficulty (ADHD is also an underlying condition; not always so 'underlying') as a fourth grader keeping up with assignments and not daydreaming in class. I dread the idea of helping her to learn to be prepared for 2 or 3 different teachers (as a way of preparing the students for moving on to the middle school). I still have ideas of homeschooling her through the state funded cyber school; probably meaning I shouldn't teach in the fall.

Yet another burden I can't seem to drop is the desire to live in a one-level home. We just can't afford to do it now. What is in savings is merely half of what we were given for an extended family trip to India in December. Even without my dd and me going along, we need to build back our savings. We don't even have enough equity in our current home to buy a piece of land; not to mention spending on home improvements to make our home "pristine" in order to sell for the best price.

I'm trying to count my blessings right now (ie: am doing well enough I don't need a power chair at present, live in a great neighborhood, etc.). However, I find that I just need to have a good cry or something in order to get out of my "pity party." I know that being in a different home will not solve all of my problems. However, that one obstacle just seems so far out of reach right now.

It's draining to me to have so many conflicting feelings and try not to let it interfere with caring for my family. Thanks for letting me "dump" it all out on here. I know that those Believers who are prayer warriors will be faithful to pray for me. So hard to walk (even with a rollator) in the 'valley' sometimes.

Blessings to you all,
Sherry

[rdmc]

Hey Sherry,

Sounds like you've got a lot on your plate right now.

Unfortunately, you won't be able to figure it all out, or how things will play out in the future, which sort of sounds like what you're trying to do.

I know planning is necessary, but with this crazy disease, sometimes it's not just possible.

As far as a good cry, I'm a huge proponent of that. Always seems to make me feel better when I feel overwhelmed or frustrated.

I homeschooled, only started out to do it for a short time because we had had to move quite a few times due to my husband's job and then had the opportunity for us to go with him overseas and "see the sights." But our son and I both loved it and we kept it up till he started high school.

We hired a tutor for an area I didn't feel competent in, but other than that, it helped me keep up my cognitive skills (I relearned things I had forgotten years earlier) and it gave us flexibility. I have lots of friends whose kids go to school, and I think they invested as much time with homework help with their kids as I did with homeschoolingl

Hope you get to feel more settled in your decisions.

As they say...one day at a time.

[CGMoonbeam]

I feel your pain. You have to let go of some things. My house doesn't look the way I want it to. To add to the problems, one of my cupboards FELL OFF THE WALL. Glass everywhere! My point, just when you believe you've got it something happens to change that. If you were healthy, it wouldn't be a big deal, but EVERYTHING is a pain with MS no matter how small. Take care of yourself and cut yourself some slack.

[jojo18]

as for the stairs, what about a stair ift, like this

http://www.bruno.com/stairlift-electra-ride-elite.html

just a thought

Hi friends,

I just needed to say (type/write) all of that stuff in order to "get it all out" at a time when I couldn't find anyone available for a "face to face" chat.

I realize life is often complicated. Quite frankly, I'm more prone to get in a rut like the other day when I'm really tired and/or "pms"-ing. After a nice long nap, some sun peeking out, and life just continuing on, I felt somewhat better. Those issues will most likely not go away anytime soon. I mentioned some of it to my dh that night; just to try and get it out again. I didn't need him to "fix" anything; just to listen. After awhile, I think he understood that.

Between this post and a "subtle" post on FB (said I felt grayer than the sky outside), it is very comforting to know that I have people who offer words of wisdom, kindness, and (some) who pray for me faithfully. I also have to keep in mind (quite often) that it isn't "all about me."

I will continue to pray about these issues in my life. Funny how I keep hearing sermons (on my phone app, from a cd of a workshop I missed/half slept through on a retreat, and from this morning) that offer great comfort, encouragement, and insight. It's as if God is reassuring me that He hasn't "gone anywhere" and is quite aware of all of my circumstances and my concerns. Just as I remind my dd, He says in the scriptures that "not a sparrow falls" that He isn't aware of and that we are "worth more than many sparrows" to Him; that He knows the very number of hairs on our heads.

With that, I'll end my thank you "booklet" for today. As for the stair lift, I do think I need one, Jojo. It's just not within our budget at this time. I keep looking on craigslist and in the classifieds, though. Maybe it will be eventually.
Blessings,
Sherry