On the verge of something stupid

[Aquasis]

So, it seems like everytime I post I'm on the verge of doing something stupid. The replies always stop me though, so I'm hoping it well help me again. I don't really know where else to go.
My mom has MS, and I have a hard time talking to her. She is always busy, and when she's not working she's resting because she is so tired. I don't want to worry her and I feel like my problems are small compared to hers.
But I am so tired of living. I have been depressed for a long time and have fought it everyway I can. I told myself three years ago that I would find something that would make me happy eventually if I just held on.
I've tried everything I could think of; painting, piano, music, writing, going out with friends. I got a job, car, laptop, money. I joined choir, I did a musical, I got involved in my church. If there was something worth living for, wouldn't I have found it by now? Shouldn't I have found something that makes me happy?
I pretend that I'm happy everyday, so people will still like me. I've found out that people don't like depressed people. But every day, when I get home from work, or play practice, or a band or choir trip, I want to die. I am so scared, and I hate that feeling because it's always in the back of my mind, no matter how busy I am or how much I try to forget it.
The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I believe that God will punish me if I do.
I wish I could just stop existing.
I wish I could just not feel anything anymore.
I am so tired, and I am running out of options, and I'm scared, because the knife in the kitchen is always waiting and I'm afraid I won't be able to stop myself one day. Please help me.
What makes life worth living to you?

[poohb3ar]

Aquasis, life is so horrible at times and it's easy to want to just 'go away'
i'm so glad that you believe in God and are afraid to kill yourself because of Him. i feel the same way too, and it has stopped me too.
then i try to think of how other people will react if i were to do it. how will the one who finds me react? will it scar them for life? what if i hurt others in the process? who will my friends/ children turn to talk to?

you sound like a wonderful person who has friends because of all your activities. let people into your life, don't just go through the motions of those activities to find fulfillment in your life.

as a mom with MS, i know if my daughter was going through not small, but life threatening problems and feelings, i would make time to listen to her.
sometimes when my girls want to talk to me it has to be lying down on the bed with me, but it always makes me feel useful to be able to listen to them and at least share the burden.

try talking to your mom, i pray you'll be surprised in how she responds. plus think to if you did kill yourself, how would that affect her? i'm not trying to guilt you, you yourself mentioned that she has enough problems of her own.
well, as a mom, my worst nightmare would be if one of my girls killed themselves!!

i'll be praying for you and i hope you will too. He's only a word away at any time.

If your feelings persist, please, please, please call the Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255. They are a great bunch of people and can help you.

take care and God bless you!
please reply and let me know how you're doing

[Aquasis]

I always feel so sick to my stomach after telling people about my feelings...and I never really talk to people about it anyway. But, I feel like you understand me better than any person around me right now. Thank you for posting, because I had forgotten that God loves me and I could turn to Him for help. I just feel sometimes that I can't do it anymore, and I don't want to go to a psychiatrist or anything because it makes me feel so sick to talk about it. Even the thought of telling someone makes me sick. And I don't want to be categorized as mentally ill or crazy. I've also seen my mom have to take depression medicine and all it did was mess with her hormones. I don't want to take it, because of all the side effects and problems it causes. What would you recommend doing? I feel like I'm trapped.

[jojo18]

a year and a half ago, i went to my family doctor because i had been under a lot of stress and had been crying (or feeling like it) alot. i went to him with a very specific complaint. low seritonan. he put me on a anti depressant/ anti anxiety med.

It worked great. I wagois not labeled, and i dont feel weird or bad about it. and i have no side effects.

just try going on a med. if you dont like it, there are others and you can stop taking it

[poohb3ar]

aquasis, thanks for answering back.
try not to feel trapped, you always have choices what you do with your life is always you're decision. whether you do what others tell you to do or whether you choose another path. but take your time and check out all your options before deciding. you have time on your side, and if you ask God to help you decide then you have the best helper in the universe.

has someone told you to take a certain pill. ask them to explain how it works and it's purpose, how long to be on it, is it habit forming, etc. you have the right to know what you're taking. i don't blame you for being cautious about taking pills, especially at your age.

i,too, hate being labeled and going to psychiatrists or psychologists even tho my husband went to grad school to be a family counselor.

sometimes, it's necessary to have an unbiased 3rd party to talk to. you didn't say if you'd try going the psych. route. it's not easy and can be embarrassing. i know, i've had to go a few times at different stages and stress in my life.

right now is one of them. i am taking anti depressants that make a big difference. mainly it helps me sleep deeper and longer thus giving my mind time to rest and heal.
i love the counselor i'm talking to. she's so easy to talk to and i can't believe the subjects i've comfortably talked to her about!

that's not to say all phys. & counselors will work for you. their human and you won't always click with the 'one' for you right away, if you choose to go there. i've been to a couple just once, because i could tell right off they weren't going to help me.
just because you start seeing someone doesn't mean you'll be going for life.
i've had to go in for what i call 'tune ups'. sometimes just a few sessions is all i need to get on the right track.

i'm so glad you've connected back with God, remember He is the one who made you and knows you better then yourself. i would have totally lost it without GOd when first diagnosed with MS.
i don't know how much you read the Bible but Ps 91 to me is a lifesaver ( I call it my Psalm 9-1-1)
you may want to give it a try.

i'm soo, soo glad you're feeling some better. you were in my prayers a lot since we 'talked' last night.

keep hanging on to God, He won't let you go.
take care and God bless ya!

please stay in touch.

[Sequoia]

The antidepressants most often prescribed today--SSRIs and SSNRIs--don't affect the hormones. You might find that one of the newer drugs is just the thing for you!

And you might be surprised how many of your seemingly "normal" friends & acquaintances take medication for depression and anxiety, and see counselors, too!

[jojo18]

wagios= was

stupid MS fingers :-P

[poohb3ar]

Originally Posted by jojo18

wagios= was

stupid MS fingers :-P

LOL!!! my MS brain read it and completely understood the sentence. don't get overworried about typos and such. we all make them.
sometimes i catch them but are too tired to back space erase and hope it works right this time

besides 'wagios' has a distinctive ring to it!

take care & God bless you!

[poohb3ar]

aguasis,

are you feeling better?

haven't heard back from you and have been praying that you're feeling much better.

love for you to just drop a note to say that things are better,
that's one frustrating thing about internet sites, sometimes i just want to pick up the phone and talk! ok, i'd even go for txting!

take care of yourself and God bless ya!

[Aquasis]

Thank you for your prayers. Sorry about not answering back, I have been busy. I'm feeling a lot better and I have talked to my mom. I have an appointment with my doctor next week and am going to try some suggestions posted. Thank you all for helping me, I might not have made it.
If anyone else has any more suggestions or words of encouragement, please let me know, because I want to find the right way to deal with this and get it over with.

[jojo18]

I am so glad to hear this. best of luck.

[Boleyn]

I am a child of a dad with MS...Im not a teen im 26 but its hard to find forums for young adults as children of MS. My dad was diagnosed five years ago and has become emotionally and physically abusive since then to me. I feel so tired of living this life sometimes. I am not religious so I do not have an outlet for praying or feeling like anyone is watching over me. I have good friends, my own costuming business, pets, I knit, spin fiber, dance, fire dance, sew, snowboard, swim...I do so many things but lurking in the back of my mind and heart is an unhappiness that never goes away. I am against taking medication for my state of mind because I want to feel and think naturally, and I am unsure of how to get the unhappiness to go away. All I do is take care of my family and do all the housework and yardowrk, all the driving to every doc appt and he is still so cruel and I feel alone and lost. Thoughts of not existing cross my mind but no one ever sees that I am unhappy. Help

[jojo18]

as for the not taking medication, here is my story

last year (almost 2) I took organic chemistry. I am a normally happy person. that semester I had other stresses on top of organic chem. I got depressed. but because I ran out of serotonin.

I was put on a anti anxiety/anti-depressant. if i hadnt been on it, i might still be depressed.

sometimes the body needs a little help to work normally and be happy. not all anti-depressants are addictive/habit forming. it is not as simple as if you think happy thoughts you will be happy.

[Mynamegoeshere1]

If you are against medicine, would you be willing to see a psychologist to talk about this? Have you talked to his Dr about his behavior? That is a VERY important question. His dr definitely needs to know about this, but you do not need to be in an abusive situation either. There are also programs in a lot of cities that will pick up and take patients to Dr. Appts that are unable to drive themselves. That is another option to look into if that would keep you away from the abuse. Good luck to both of yall. I hope I never become a person to lash out at people, but if I do, I hope that my family tells my dr asap to hopefully get the problem under control before it causes any permanent damage to relationships.