Go to the ER and be evaluated...but why?

[bakebr]

The New Me-Again

I have a wheelchair and have used it off and on now for a few years. I've had to learn to walk twice before after some pretty bad exacerbations and I use my wheel chair for when I'm weak, need to preserve energy, or it is just to painful to walk.

I don't really think that is what is bothering me. I think it is more that the progression has got to where it is taking so much more away. I went to my physical therapist because I could no longer find new ways of doing things. She told me what I already knew but was hoping I was wrong about. My cognitive abilities are going down the tubes. It would surprise you how many times I write and rewrite-read and reread this post just to see if it makes sense and is saying what I want it too. I miss my intelligence. From what I've been told, I am quite intelligent but I am not able to express it. What good is it then. I miss reading books and understanding them, remembering things from one chapter to the next. I miss remembering my life.

I will be alright with the wheel chair, after all, less falls, more energy, less pain-compared to what I'm living with, and my experience before with being unable to walk, I can do it. It is the whole idea that it represents losing more of my independence, being unable to take care of myself as much, being unable to take care of others too. There is more going on than just the falling. My arms, hands-there are no smooth movements anymore; there isn't a lot of control over anything. I guess it comes down to I'm not ready to lose more. With MS it is more of a "ready or not, here I come" thing.

I'll let New Years come and next week I'll call my Dr. for an appointment. I'm sure I'll be seeing the therapist again to put more things in place to make life easier. This should make me feel better, but it doesn't. I want to get my own glass of water, put on my own shoes, brush my own hair; I could go on and on. We don't always get what we want though do we. I just have to get used to the new me-again. After you've done that so many times, it starts to get scary because so much of you is already gone. Thank you all for listening to my hissy fit. Sometimes just saying this out loud to people who understand helps me catch my second wind and gets me started on living again.

Thank you for that inspiration, "The New Me-Again" along with the 'Ready or Not, here I come' analogy, for this New Year has not started out good for me. I was hit with what I believe a serious case of a relapse just before Christmas last month a couple of my long time friends presented me with a 'Rolling Walker', for X-mas...That has proven to have been a Blessing! I have in the past 15yrs since having been Dx'd Resorted to using a cane to move about. Not currently on any DMT's, Avonex and Rebif in the past. Not seen a Neuro since 2012. my PC got me Baclophen and a Neuro appt for mid-March. The good old 'Foot-Drop' has set in on me. For the first time, I find myself not able to move about as I'd like. Just have to play the wait and see the game this Monster is going to do to my body and adjust the best way I can. Thank you for your comments. Keep up the good spirits.

[Kalliope]

Bakerb

I'm glad I didn't bring you down with my worries. Sometimes I don't know whether I should write about things that are getting worse and won't be getting better because I don't want to make others feel like there isn't hope in their future. MS is so different for everybody. I'm sorry to hear about your relapse. I'm glad you got a roller walker for Christmas-that's a pretty sweet gift. I have foot drop too. There is an AFO (I think that's what they called it) that helped. I hope you and your doctor can figure some things out and you recover well and quickly from this relapse.

When our problems become permanent and even get worse it takes some adjustments for sure. I am using my walker and wheel chair on a more regular basis now. I've lost my balance but haven't fallen, so all in all, even though I'm not walking on my own or even with a cane much anymore, I can say life is better. In March I'll start going for water therapy at the Y. I love the water. It makes everything feel better. I'm not on any DMTs either.

I wish you all the best with your upcoming appointment and the new year brings you great things, especially the best health possible!