Over reacting?

[Marie12]

Ok, so I am still feeling sorry for myself because my husband loudly stated that he "had" to deal with me having primary progressive MS. I won't mention how many times I "didn't complain."

And he always says, "I didn't hear you." when I say something. So, instead of him coming nearer to hear me, I have to move my manual wheelchair nearer to him, so he can hear me. Well, his hearing must have improved, because tonight he yelled at me because I closed the laundry room door "too loudly."

Well, I do have to back up my wheelchair and reclose it, if I don't pull hard enough, which usually happens. Well, I am getting pretty sore of moving myself around, so I made sure it closed the first time. It really wasn't that loud.

I know he is getting tired of dealing with me. So, should I just leave, or ask him to leave. 40 years of marriage anniversary in December, doesn't seem very important to me right now

[marti]

Don't give up. We all know how trying this MS is for everyone involved.

Families are not perfect... with or without sickness. There will always be something to push the buttons. But, you can make it.

Maybe a little counseling might be in order.

I am patient and caregiver in our home and it really gets hard and tiresome at times and I just wish that "something" would happen. But then, I'm not really ready to end things. Keep thinking it might get better or at least a little easier.

Life... no guarantees.

[jjs]

I know he is getting tired of dealing with me. So, should I just leave, or ask him to leave. 40 years of marriage anniversary in December, doesn't seem very important to me right now

I agree with Marti. Don't give up.
Love is a choice. Choose to love, be patient and forgiving. Your gentleness will, at the very least, help you. At the most it could restore happiness in the home.

[jreagan70]

So, should I just leave, or ask him to leave.

Overreacting? No. You're underreacting.

Asking your husband to leave is just talk. You have no control over what he does. Leaving yourself is the only thing you have control over.

He obviously is trying to force you to leave so he can say that he isn't responsible. Why haven't you left already? (Bear in mind that the person who leaves can be viewed as abandoning the marriage and the property. But it sounds like it's a decision you should have dealt with long ago, no matter what your decision might be.)

Bickering about who stays and who leaves is something that can add misery to your life when your intent is to feel better.

It sounds like it's past time for you to see a divorce attorney. If you live in a community property state, and if you own a house, the equitable thing to do may be to just sell the house and split the profit and negotiate everything else. Then it becomes less important who physically leaves first. It doesn't sound like you're in a position to buy your husband out. And you have no control over whether he chooses to buy you out. The judge will also have input into the settlement.

If you don't live in a community property state, that's even more reason why you need an attorney.

Your husband has already checked out of your marriage. Why are you still playing?

[palmtree]

Forty years!!! Either you two really love each other or you are saints of sacrifice.

When my marriage was ending my husband kept responding to my questions as "WHAT?"

That's when I packed up and left. But I was in a 'no fault community property state so I had nothing to lose if found a quiet little cottage on the top of a hill to restore my sanity.

I have no advice for you but, if I were in your situation, I would get my ducks in a row to leave. That means finding a place to live, finding a caregiver, getting someone to help you move your belongings, opening your own checking account, siphoning as much money as I could from him to hold your over during the divorce proceedings and consulting with an attorney.

Then stay and see how it feels. You might feel more powerful and he might change or what he does might not affect you as much anymore.

I hate seeing you stay in such a painful situation but if you have made it 40 years you must be a senior citizen or facing your older years. Now that I'm in my 60s I sometimes wish I had stayed with my husband. He just had a heart attack and I cried and cried. Your husband will become old frail soon,too. The balance of power in your relationship will be different and he may be very different.

I was just in the hospital and I find that the nurses evaluate you on whether you have family. A person coming in alone doesn't get the same care as when they have to be accountable to family. Having a husband puts you in a higher bracket in society, especially in the culture of many nurses where a person is evaluated on whether they have family.

This has gotten very long but I'd like to add one more thing. My aunt died of a severe case of PPMS many years ago. My cousin just told me that our grandfather (the patriarch) was trying to get my uncle to divorce his wife. Luckily he chose to stay. My cousin had an attachment to his mother that was constantly in jeopardy.

But, whichever way you choose to go, I wish you the best with him or without him.

[mercadies25]

I am so sorry that you have to deal with added stress. Never good.

In the morning, before anything goes wrong, make him breakfast and tell him you need to talk. Tell him that you appreciate all that he does to help you and explain what a difficult journey this is for both of you. See what comes of this approach. Just listen and try to understand.

If nothing else you will know where you stand in this relationship. Forty years you just don't give up.

It's not easy to see someone you love fall apart. Put yourself in his shoes.

Good luck and much peace!

[KatieAgain]

I am in the Group that recommends to talk this out with your husband. Don't do something you will regret later.

To put this in perspective: I threw my husband out of the house...actually the Court did. I was not leaving my home. I loved him...a lot more than he loved me. He no longer loved me once I got MS and became educated about it. Then came some serious physical, verbal and emotional abuse. And I was not in a wheelchair. It did not matter.

I believe I lived near you Marie at the time of the Divorce. And Ohio does have an Abandonment Law. Don't you leave.

Your husband might be going through some serious Caregiver Issues. MS is hard for the whole family. Maybe he is developing health issues of his own. You two are not communicating...get someone to act as a mediator. If he still loves you...he will not leave. But obviously something is wrong and you have to find out what it is.

You can not see the entire picture without all the puzzle pieces...and you are missing a few of the pieces.

Even in the best of circumstances, every marriage has its ups and downs...but most things can be patched up if both parties agree. It takes work.

BIG CAVEAT TO EVERYTHING I JUST SAID: If he is physically abusing you...call the cops, get a restraining order and kick him to the curb. That would be a different story...

[marti]

We've been married for 43 years. Most of those years were good. But after we started acquiring all these serious illnesses ( both of us ) it got harder to "like" each other. I find myself getting angry easily. Maybe that's part of some of my physical problems. He can't hear and that causes a LOT of misunderstandings.

I just feel like there's probably a little more to Marie's story than we will ever know. Marriages don't seem to last very long anymore because it's so "easy" to get out at the first sign of struggle. I'll admit, some marriages should never have been started to begin with and some have no where else to go but out.

Disease takes it's toll. There have been many times I thought about just splitting up. But then I worry about what would happen to him if I wasn't here to take care of his doctor appointments, paying the bills, all those little things he just can't do for himself now. And then I wonder how I would survive without some other warm body in the house. Just having my husband here is a small comfort. There's not much he can do for me, but he's here. Like it or not.

There is no magic answer. I just hope Marie can work this out. I know that in my case my husband just hasn't got a clue when I am having a bad day. All he can see is his own pain. Maybe that goes on in a lot of homes where people have aged together.