Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

someone please tell me i have a right to be angry and not a complainer

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    someone please tell me i have a right to be angry and not a complainer

    hi all
    i need some advice and input my mother in law moved in with us a few months back and she is in her sixties and healthy. She is up my rear constant and can not do her own thing and stick her nose in my whole families business and never gives us any privacy. Mind you all I have ms to and have been on disability for almost a year I dont need a babysitter I need my alone and quiet time. I have bought this to my husbands attention and all he says is I have to do my own thing and that it puts him in the middle. I cry everyday I cant stand it I wish she would get lost somewhere. I want my house back I want to be able to be like it used to. My husband doesnt see all this since he is at work all day and I am stick with her 24-7 . I shouldnt have to do my own thing weve been together almost 23 years and I should come first just like he would if the shoe were on the other foot. Please help I cant deal with feeling like crap all the time and her at the same time what do I do???

    #2
    Hi, You didn't say why she moved in with you. Health reasons? Money issues?

    But boy, it sounds like you have your hands full. IMO, your husband does need to step up here. His first priority should be his wife. I would suggest that he sit down with his mother and explain what is going on, how it is affecting your health and that some boundaries need to be set.

    It is your home and you deserve both respect and peace of mind and body.

    I hope this gets resolved soon for your sake. Good luck.

    Comment


      #3
      This is your husband's fault and issue. His Mother...not yours. If she is healthy in her 60s...she should have her own place.

      I would simply move out...to a really nice place for a few weeks. That would very quickly tell you where you rate with your husband. But that is what I would do.

      Be aware of the consequences. Your husband might pick his Mother. But I personally would want to know if my husband's "picker" was in working order.

      Mom should be in a nice Condo nearby playing Mahjongg and Canasta with the other Ladies. Not in your home ripping things apart.
      Katie
      "Yep, I have MS, and it does have Me!"
      "My MS is a Journey for One."
      Dx: 1999 DMDS: Avonex, Copaxone, Rebif, currently on Tysabri

      Comment


        #4
        This is tough. Did you approve her moving in?

        My guess is it will be hard to get rid of her now. Perhaps some counseling for you so you feel heard and can build some coping strategies to help you deal with her? Good luck.
        He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
        Anonymous

        Comment


          #5
          Originally posted by michele1205 View Post
          My husband doesnt see all this since he is at work all day and I am stick with her 24-7 . I shouldnt have to do my own thing weve been together almost 23 years and I should come first just like he would if the shoe were on the other foot. Please help I cant deal with feeling like crap all the time and her at the same time what do I do???
          Hi Michele,

          My MIL moved in with us after my FIL passed away. At the time our son was a young teenager, and I homeschooled, so we were there with her, or she was there with us, all day. We lived in a
          3 bedroom 1 bath house at the time, and were in pretty close quarters. She had a lot of demands (demands isn't a good word, let just say she was "needy") and I acquiesced where possible, but on other things I couldn't.

          My husband always set the "ground rules" for what we could do for her and what we couldn't. For instance, she always had some place she needed to go (and she didn't drive) so the places I could/would take her were nailed down, and for the other trips, we had her sign up for a "low cost" taxi service our county offered. So I think you may need to have a serious talk with your husband, so he could set down some guidelines with his mom (she is his mom, after all.)

          We eventually solved our problem by adding an extra wing to our home, with living quarters for her, and a large room between where her room was and the area we lived in (at the time we put a pool table in that room which helped keep that room neutral ground.)

          All I can say is you will have to communicate to him what you can, and what you can't deal
          with, and he'll have to communicate that to your MIL. Of course you won't be able to "be alone" again, but if you know that there will be certain times you can have to yourself, it will help with the 24/7 schedule, and your distress. I did have to take a stand for myself on a few things, but on the major things, he laid down the "house rules" and to my MIL's credit, she graciously complied with them.

          Comment


            #6
            Michele,
            I'm sorry that on top of dealing with MS, you also are dealing with hostility in your own home. It's sad when your "refuge" has become part of your daily struggle. Your daily crying may suggest you have an unmet level of depression. This is quite common with MS patients so please talk to your doctor about starting or changing depression medications. I would also suggest you get established with a good counselor for future events.

            As far as your mother in law goes.
            • Why did your MIL move in?
            • Were you in agreement that she could move in?
            • Was there a trial period?
            • Was there an established end?
            • Has your father-in-law passed?


            While your MIL may seem like your primary problem, but your husband is the primary problem. His responsibility is to YOU and not to her. Without hesitation he should have corrected his mother the moment she got out of line. He needs to explain that her continued presence in your home is dependent upon her treating you with dignity and respect.

            Your MIL is probably treating you the way she treated her former husband. He may have been just as passive or learned to tune her out. Maybe you can find some new hobbies or habits that can make your life better. Guys tend to do better with a written down formula.

            • Establish a quiet hour between 8-9 am.
            • Have him take her for a walk one night a week
            • Drop her off at Bingo two times/month.
            • Make your bathroom off-limits to her.



            Right now, you need to determine the best way to articulate your needs and the problems to your husband. He needs to come on board and agree with the suggestions before presenting them to his mother. Maybe he has a role model that he can get guidance from? Hang in there and know there are people from around the MSWorld family that is hoping and praying for you. I wish you well and if you need anything let me know.

            Marco

            Comment


              #7
              "with all do respect"

              GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

              We have an extra room and my husband always suggest this for financial reasons.

              Just no! I can't do it. When people come visit and after a short time I'm ready for them to go. Just can't deal with having someone around all the time.

              I love them all from a distance.

              Good luck!
              DIAGNOSED=2012
              ISSUES LONG BEFORE
              REBIF 1 YEAR

              Comment


                #8
                Originally posted by mercadies25 View Post
                "with all do respect"

                GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

                We have an extra room and my husband always suggest this for financial reasons.

                Just no! I can't do it. When people come visit and after a short time I'm ready for them to go. Just can't deal with having someone around all the time.

                I love them all from a distance.

                Good luck!
                Lol, Yeah I'm with ya. No way no how am I opening my doors to anyone staying more than a night or two and even then I'd prefer they stay at a nearby hotel.
                He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
                Anonymous

                Comment


                  #9
                  I wish I knew the answer. To look on the bright side of things, we treat our husbands and wives the way we treat our parents. If he wants to provide shelter for his mother when she needs it, he is most likely the kind who will stick with you through thick and thin even MS.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Originally posted by palmtree View Post
                    I wish I knew the answer. To look on the bright side of things, we treat our husbands and wives the way we treat our parents. If he wants to provide shelter for his mother when she needs it, he is most likely the kind who will stick with you through thick and thin even MS.
                    That is a very nice way of looking at the situation. I like it!

                    Comment


                      #11
                      wooohoo

                      Originally posted by jeannef1 View Post
                      That is a very nice way of looking at the situation. I like it!
                      hi all thanks for the input. Update my husband has asked her to leave the 1st of October and she will be going back up north. Woo hoo we will have our life back and I will be able to take better care of myself. She invited herself to move in and said she was going to join a senior center and so on and never did anything except make our life miserable. Needless to say I dont think she will be coming back for a visit anytime soon and if she ever thinks of coming back there is a 7 day limit I will not allow this to ever happen again. At least now I know he really loves me and will do anything for me. I was really worried about the whole situation. Again thanks for all the input I really appreciated it

                      Comment

                      Working...
                      X