No assisted livings will take me because I am not 55...

[bree2013]

Lisa - if possible, please heed what others have said. Try to stay in the house -- let him leave AND find a lawyer. Ask round -- your local courthouse clerks may have suggestions. They can be a wealth of information. Also your local district attorney's office may have referrals.

Try to stick it out -- you're staying power may force your husband's hand to give you what you're truly entitled to and hopefully more. You have to think of your future needs even though you may want to just get away from him right now.

Thoughts and prayers for your well being
Bree

[jreagan70]

Lisa, I'm going to give you a dose of tough love because it's apparent that you aren't thinking very clearly.

I have to wholeheartedly second what poster pageturner said, which I've copied below.

First, DON'T MOVE OUT unless your life is in danger! Make your husband FORCE you to move out. Being forced to move out of your home without due cause is one of the grounds for an at-fault divorce in North Carolina. And you're going to need that.

If you fear for you life, then of course you must leave. If your husband threatens you, that's another factor in your favor in an at-fault divorce.

Second, ditto on getting the most aggressive pitbull divorce lawyer you can find. You're going to need that, too. Too many people end up hurting themselves in a divorce because of simple ignorance of the law. Except for having to protect your life, don't do anything without a sharp attorney's advice.

As for comments that your marital property is just as much yours as it is your husband's, that isn't necessarily true because North Carolina is NOT a community property state. However, if you have the right attorney, you can make out just as well as, or even better than, your husband financially in an equitable distribution state. That's undoubtedly why your husband is hoping you'll just quietly go away -- he knows how much he has to lose in a divorce. Don't let him get away with it.

I can't overstate how important the right attorney is.

This is where the tough love comes in: feeling sorry for yourself is a waste of time. You're certainly entitled to vent and feel sorry for yourself. And a lot of people have, and will, tell you to go ahead and do that. But neither one of those actually helps you. You can be as sad as you want to, but that doesn't fix anything. No one ever made their lives better by arguing against themselves.

So instead of looking for assisted living facilities and venting on forums, you would be doing yourself a MUCH BIGGER favor to spend that time combing over every financial document and account of your marital assets and liabilities you can get your hands on. Account for every penny as best you can.

That means the value of real property, cars, boats, furniture, antiques, collectibles, cash savings, stocks, bonds, CDs, royalties, retirement accounts -- anything and everything with value -- and debts, liabilities and ongoing costs, like your medical costs. Your attorney will need every scrap of that information and will likely give you more to look into.

You'll need to gather a lot of information, so you might as well start doing it now. That information can also give you an idea of how to pay for in-home health care.

You'll have to stop looking at yourself as poor-poor-pitiful-me, or else that's what you're going to end up with.

That includes not lashing out against things just because you don't like what you saw or heard. The rest of the world doesn't exist to make us happy. Every one of us is responsible for our own happiness.

And no lashing out at your husband either, no matter how hurt and angry you are. No emotional outbursts, no self-pity, no blaming, no guilt, no unpleasant comments, no begging, no arguing. NONE of that will help you get what you want. You can do all of that if you want to, but it can end up hurting you more in the long run. And if you get busy working on getting yourself some in-home care, finding an attorney and doing financial discovery, you shouldn't have time for being unpleasant.

When life is already unpleasant, nothing is gained by making it MORE unpleasant. And if you keep things peaceful around the house, your husband won't know what hit him when you file for divorce and sic your pitbull lawyer on him.

I'm rooting for you, Lisa. So I hope you take a few more days to regroup and then get busy on making the rest of your life the best it can be.

So your spouse has told you "you need to go asap," and he's 'willing' to give you half the value of the rental house when it sells. What a guy! That's what HE wants. Well too bad we don't always get what we want.

My advice to you:
Don't move out. This weakens your position immeasurably. He wants you out, well he's going to have to bargain for it. Too bad life isn't convenient, isn't it?

Get the best pitbull lawyer you can find. Ask your divorced friends for a name. Then consult with this lawyer before you as much as pack your toothbrush.

Hubbie is going to have to come up with a heck of a lot more than half the friggin' rental house. Go for the whole enchilada baby.

And if he's worried about you falling while he's off earning the big bucks, then he can arrange a home help to come in.

No one is going to look out for your best interests except you and a good lawyer, and you have to think of your future needs. Don't know what state you live in, but you are entitled to more than half the rental house. What a nerve. What is this the 19th century?

[palmtree]

I just want to add that, even though you are not in a community property state, your severe disability is going to be a huge factor in the divorce settlement. Just because he is the breadwinner, he doesn't have the right to take everything and run. Maybe, once he finds out how much he has to lose he will change his tune.

[alishape]

wow!

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I am not sure what your health insurance is like, but during all this personal turmoil, maybe you can contact them regarding a night nurse.

[Mamabug]

I have no advice. Just wanted to say that I know that MS can be difficult on a marriage. Sometimes, in sickness or in health goes out the window. Sorry for your troubles.

[KatieAgain]

I simply do not agree with the "tough love" approach.

A Divorce is devastating, especially when one of the parties has MS. It is exceptionally stressful at best. And in most cases...the offended party still loves the Schmuck. And that is exactly what Lisa's Husband is a Schmuck...just like mine.

I understand MS being too hard to handle for a spouse...I really do, but one needs to exercise compassion and that is not occuring here.

I had absolutely no ability to handle the affairs of a Divorce. I was able to get lawyer, but it fell apart at that point. Flare, losing weight to the point of being dangerous etc...I just could not function.

Fortunately for me, there was only one person that my ex- was afraid of...my father. So my Dad traveled half-way across the Country and took matters in his own hands.

I ended up getting EVERYTHING.

Lisa-At this point...get someone you trust to help you. You need someone to stand up to your Husband. BTW...a restraining order would be a really good start. His verbal and emotional abuse is detrimental to your health.

BTW...in the end, one of the best things I have ever done is divorce my husband. One day you will most likely feel that way too.

[Fed Up]

Lisa I am so devastated to hear of this. You've dealt with so much the past few years, driving yourself for help when he should have placed you first and been there to help you. I've never understood why he isn't there for you.

Having worked for a group of docs in his field, worked in OR, ER, Ortho..etc. I've always wondered where the hell he was when you really needed him. I've never known a doc that wouldn't go help his wife and make necessary arrangements to be 'there.'

There is more to this and hire the BEST lawyer you can get. One with a heck of an excellent investigator. I could say plenty more but, shame on him...

You stick up for yourself and make him afford you the care you should have been getting from him.

The best thing I have to say is: Wouldn't it be nice if there was a cure tomorrow and you were the first one cured...well, I hope that happens! No mention of couple therapy or any other type of "working" it out.

I have serious concerns there are some very hidden assets....I've heard docs talk of their marriages, affairs, secret get aways, etc...

If he is as busy as you say; you also deserve his love shack and other hidden assets. Docs talk and can be very shrewd at not meeting their personal financial obligations. A doc as busy as that man, either has a few love shacks or tons of money under a mattress and no love or compassion in his heart..if he has one!

Take your power back and don't let him take anything else from you. Wishing you all the best and what a jerk, with all the things you've been dealing with..I believe they call that kicking a dog when its' down. Even "do no harm" has evaded that mans thinking and he definitely isn't thinking from the heart or above the neck.

I'll shut up, I am really enraged for you! Waiting until he knew you have little energy to fight more than your rapidly declining conditions. Fed

[22cyclist]

Thanks everybody. Each of us had a prenump as we both are set to get sizable inheritances. I have an attorney, but he has gotten abusive both physically and verbally. I am SO ready to go. I just have to find a place to fit my budget.

Thanks again,
Lisa

[jreagan70]

I have an attorney, but he has gotten abusive both physically and verbally.

Your attorney has gotten abusive too? What's going on?

[22cyclist]

Sorry, distracted typing! I meant my husband has gotten abusive both verbally and physically. I reported him to social services which only made things worse. Can't wait to sell this house so I can get one.

Lisa

[aprilmitt]

HUSBAND

My husband has told me I need to go ASAP, he just can't tolerate me anymore. He would like for me to go into an assisted living for a while, but I do not meet the criteria for one. He is selling our rental home so he can give me part of the money to buy a house, so I now have to wait until that house sells. Not so sure what to do now. He said it was because of my MS, he didn't want to have to be picking me up in the bathroom at 3:00 am. when he has to be at the hospital at 6.

Maybe I am just venting. IDK.

Lisa

Lisa: It sounds like you're OK with all this! It's not okay at all for him to act this way towards you I hope you know that! I'm sorry but he sounds like an uncaring individual! You've gotten tons of great advice from everyone here, so I really have no more wise words of advice. However if he's unhappy then HE should leave, not you! If you need help, then there are organizitions that can help you. Start with the MS society. My friend told me they are amazing and will support you with anything ad everything. Please don't accept that this is okay, it's totally NOT.

[rdmc]

Sorry, distracted typing! I meant my husband has gotten abusive both verbally and physically. I reported him to social services which only made things worse. Can't wait to sell this house so I can get one.

Lisa

Hey Lisa,

Sorry for what you're going through.

I know your husband posted on the board at one time, and he knows you post on this board. All that to say, if you are going to take any kind of legal action, you might want to be
careful about what and/or how much detail/information you should be posting about your plans and situation.

I'm not a lawyer, so ask your attorney and see what his opinion is.

Hang in there.

[dyin_myelin]

just wow

Hi Lisa, if you have a joint bank account or your insurance would cover it could you get a CNA or home health care? That way you would not have to be alone with him and get help. Here in PA retirement communities are mandated to take people under the age of 55. Apparently there was an age discrimination lawsuit. I know this because I was fantasizing about moving to one before I got sick because noise was starting to bother me. Some retirement homes provide a continuum of care up to and including hospice. If you are close to an adjoining state you can see if they have a mandate like this. It's chilling this person is charged with the care of people at their most vulnerable and sorry you had to see his ugly true self. He could have definitely gotten someone to help out.

[KateA2]

Lisa - so sorry to hear you are going through this. You've always been such a kind and generous person to everyone on the board. I am happy to hear that you will have some provision, securing a good attorney is key.

If you haven't already, can you do financial discovery, gather all papers, inventories, etc.? Have a short term Heath aid come in 2-4 hours a day. Please call the police if he is physically abusive--social services are too encumbered. Physical abuse is assault and illegal. Period.

[Kimba22]

Hi Lisa,

It's heartbreaking to hear what you are going through. I have nothing to add other than what's already been said. Please be safe, whatever you do, and I also agree with KateA2 and rdmc. As you can tell, we all care a great deal about you!

((((Hugs))))