No assisted livings will take me because I am not 55...

[22cyclist]

My husband has told me I need to go ASAP, he just can't tolerate me anymore. He would like for me to go into an assisted living for a while, but I do not meet the criteria for one. He is selling our rental home so he can give me part of the money to buy a house, so I now have to wait until that house sells. Not so sure what to do now. He said it was because of my MS, he didn't want to have to be picking me up in the bathroom at 3:00 am. when he has to be at the hospital at 6.

Maybe I am just venting. IDK.

Lisa

[Seasha]

Wow Lisa ~ I am at a loss of what to think. What a crappy situation! As far as an assisted living unit for you, you might want to call your NMSS chapter and tell them your situation and see what they can do. I've heard that b/c of a MS dx, some places will make exceptions. But this is just hearsay, so I'd call.

In the meantime, can you get a live-in caregiver in the interim - until your house sells? Do you have family close by you can temporarily live with?

I'm seriously mad at your husband and I don't even know him!
And I'm so sorry that it has come to this. It breaks my heart.

We are here for you

[BadAttitude]

Oh good grief. Is he tired of being married altogether? I think it sounds like a lame excuse on his part. Yeah, being a caregiver is hard, but women typically get stuck with that 95% of the time with elderly parents, sick kids, sick husbands...you don't read about them ditching the spouse very often, tho it happens.

He sounds...tired. Maybe.
Burned out.Maybe.
Unresourceful/unimaginative...Definitely. Hasn't he ever heard of home health aides? Independent homemaker's assistants? Putting an ad for help in the paper? In my area there is no shortage of under-employed homemakers who would consider working a couple late hours a week in exchange for a mutually acceptable amount.

Reading what you posted, I can't imagine he's a barrel of laughs to be around, not by half.
I vaguely recall reading what your husband does for a living. Is he a physician? I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It sounds very depressing.

I think we all need to brainstorm with you and listen to any more information you can provide...I'll keep checking back. (((You deserve a hug.)))

[choco]

((((((((((((Oh Lisa)))))))))))). My heart goes out to you, what an appalling situation. By that I mean you deserve so much more and so much better. How bloody demoralising. Well don't you worry, between all of the heads on this board, surely we can all come together and help you find a solution.

I think Seasha's suggestion was a very good one. Call your local MS chapter, explain the situation and see what they can suggest.

The question is, what do YOU want? Do you want to carry on living where you are now? If so then instead of your husband providing the kind of care that you need, can you not look to get an outside carer in?

If however you do not want to continue to live there, then perhaps you can find an assisted living accommodation specifically for those with MS where age would be irrelevant. That's just a matter of doing some online research to find out if there are any such facilities and if so where. That may involve moving out of state or to a wholly different location. Would that matter?

I am going to join Seasha in sharing her feelings about being really mad at your husband. But out of respect for you and for the sake of good behaviour, I won't expand on that. Like I said you deserve so much better.

We are here for you, please let us know if there is anything that we can do be it online research or anysuch.

[Boymom123]

So angry for you

I don't even know what to say...guess he missed that "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" part of the vows huh? I am so so sorry. Do you have any other family nearby who can help? What about getting someone in to help you for part of each day? I know others have far more experience than I do, and I hope they have some suggestions. You have been such a tremendous help to me since I have been here and to see you going through something like this makes me mad. ((((HUGS))))

[AMJ]

Lisa, I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this.

I think Choco has steered you in the right direction.

What do you want? What is best for you. Are you able to live alone with some help from a paid caregiver? Your husband is suggesting he sell your rental property to get assets to help you. What are you legally entitled to? Please contact a lawyer to find out. You may be entitled to half of everything you both (or he) owns.

It is a tough situation for anybody to go through. As Choco suggested contact you local MS society and see if they have someone there that can advocate on your behalf.

Know your rights and his legal responsibility before you agree to anything.

We are all here supporting you.

AMJ

[palmtree]

I'm sure you have gotten a good lawyer by now. You need an advocate so that "husband" can't call the shots. HE is deciding to sell your vacation home to give you a PORTION of the proceeds to buy you a house. What gives him the right to make those decisions? That property is just as much yours as it is his.

If he can't stand living with you until the vacation house sells, he needs to get an apartment. You deserve to live in your dream home with 24 hour care. I hope your lawyer can get you a hefty spousal support to pay for the absolute best care for you with HIM footing the bill!

I don't know how that man can live with himself. And I don't think he will still be such a respected surgeon after all of this.

In the meantime, take exquisite care of yourself. Let us be angry at him for you so you can relax. Last time he wanted you out you ended up with transverse myelitis. A big hug!!!

[REG53]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I agree with others, don't do anything until you talk to a lawyer if you haven't already. Maybe he will be forced to pay for a caregiver and you can stay in your home. You will still be entitled to half of everything, not just some money to help pay for an assisting living.

I hope you find some answers. You will be in my prayers.

[Jules A]

((Lisa)) I am so sorry. If you don't have a lawyer, please get one.

[PattiHNC]

WHAT?!!?!

My gosh! I can't believe some of these husbands! I don't really have to add to what has already been said, but I would like to add my encouragement and support. It's tempting to say I hope he develops MS, but I wouldn't really wish this on anyone.

[pennstater]

Lisa, So sorry. Definitely talk to lawyer first. In some States, who ever leaves the house first can potentially be said to have abandoned the marriage. I know with kids,it can affect custody. Not sure if it can affect division of assets.

Please play it safe. It could be your husband will do right by you in settlement, but I wouldn't trust it.

[pageturner]

Put the brakes on.

So your spouse has told you "you need to go asap," and he's 'willing' to give you half the value of the rental house when it sells. What a guy! That's what HE wants. Well too bad we don't always get what we want.

My advice to you:
Don't move out. This weakens your position immeasurably. He wants you out, well he's going to have to bargain for it. Too bad life isn't convenient, isn't it?

Get the best pitbull lawyer you can find. Ask your divorced friends for a name. Then consult with this lawyer before you as much as pack your toothbrush.

Hubbie is going to have to come up with a heck of a lot more than half the friggin' rental house. Go for the whole enchilada baby.

And if he's worried about you falling while he's off earning the big bucks, then he can arrange a home help to come in.

No one is going to look out for your best interests except you and a good lawyer, and you have to think of your future needs. Don't know what state you live in, but you are entitled to more than half the rental house. What a nerve. What is this the 19th century?

[twasabug]

Not sure what kind of assisted living your looking for

Im not sure what your looking for but a lot of places will take a disabled person before they are 55. It all depends on the severity of the disability. and the care that is required.

Another option to call is the state office for the disabled. and in some towns there is a place called independent living or something like that who only deal with disabled, whether its mental or physical disabled. It all depends on what kind of care you need help with. Also maybe a physical therapy place might have some suggestions about somewhere, Sorry I couldn't help you more.

I believe in Karma so what your husband is doing to you now will come back and bite him in the you know what when he is least expecting it. Please try to keep your head up and I hope you all the best. Bug

[hunterd]

I cannot give you any better advice than what has already been said. All I can say is that the last time I looked at a calendar it said that it was year 2015. I can say, as has been said many times already, you are in my thoughts and prayers. If there is anything that we can do for you please ask. My heart is aching for you (((Lisa)))

[Rhevan]

I see you have lots of great advice already mentioned. My heart breaks for you as I read your post. If you were closer to ATL I would try to help you myself.