I lost custody of my daughter--MS the deciding factor--how to talk about it?

[TinaP303]

Maggie,
I can not think of a more painful thing to deal with on top of this craptastic MS.
I wish I had some magical words that'd make things better for you.
Are you planning an appeal of this custody decision?
Sending the biggest hugs I can & wishes for a happier resolution.

[gwynnf]

Maggie,

My heart breaks for what you must be going through. It sounds like you have a wonderful boyfriend to hold you..... let him and be good to yourself.

[Maggie2015]

recovering and possibly appealing

TinaP303, thank you for your kind words. Oh, I wish I could appeal. I have run out of money, and my awful ex-attorney told me I only had a month from the date of the judge's ruling to appeal. I called legal aid in the state I had lived in, and they said it would take 2 weeks to process my application and 2 weeks to review, and at that time it will be too late.

This was in the most agonizing days, after the decision was made and I could barely breathe.

I called the domestic violence shelter that I worked with when I lived in that state and had left my ex-husband with my daughter (we spent about six months there homeless--staying w/ friends, in rent-by-the-week hotels, before I decided I needed to move to Michigan with her).

My advocate at the domestic violence shelter said very frankly that the current family court judge (there’s only one in the town), the one who presided over my trial and ruled on my case, "doesn't get it.”

She said that my best hope is to wait until the judge retires--which will happen this year--and in the meantime enlist legal aid to go over the trial transcript and the ruling for bias.

I don’t know what will happen with timeline then, but I’ve been brainstorming a little bit and I’m thinking if disability discrimination can be found in the ruling, maybe the timeline won’t count, especially if there is a new judge?

gwynnf, oh, thank you for what you said about my boyfriend.

Frankly, I have had such bad luck for so long that when he and I met and fell in love I was very afraid I was “repeating history”—as in, getting involved with another abusive man.

We have only been together 7 months, and my therapist and I are making sure to work on looking out for “red flags.”


I have told him my fears, and he understands them. His father was abusive to his mother—they are now divorced, thank goodness. But it was very hard for him, obviously, during his childhood and adolescence.

That experience (though I so wish he hadn’t had to go through it) has made him very sympathetic to me and to my daughter—he wants to—and does!—care for us, love us, and help us, and, as he puts it, “be a good man.”

He has tried to help me put all of this in perspective. He says that right now we are “filling her up with good things” that she can take back with her when she goes back to my ex. He says the “good things” will be like “a jar of lightening bugs” she can “take out when things are bad.”

It breaks my heart to think of this happening to my sweet girl, but it also helps me to know that this is what we can do right now, and it helps me beyond words that he is right in it with me.

Oh, and my daughter is alerting me (she is very good at that) that she needs to get in the bath. Relaxing Hello Kitty strawberry scented bubbles, her favorite.

Thank you for being here for me, so much. Maggie

[WillyNilly]

Of Course I'm Still Following

Maggie, something I'm very curious about is- was there a "Guardian Ad Litem" (GAL) appointed for your daughter throughout the legal procedure and if not, WHY not?
I'm just trying to think of anything you could go back on, things that were not addressed.
I'm no lawyer, but it sounds like (from what you're saying) the one you had wasn't much of a lawyer either.
I know it can be different in different states, but where I am (Washington State) the court appoints a GAL as a lawyer FOR THE CHILD when there is a dispute, someone that is NOT the attorney for either parent.

The hardest part of all is YOU keeping yourself emotionally together so that your girl doesn't get stressed on your behalf. You DO NOT want to give her any uncomfortable things to say to EX. I can guarantee he will be asking questions that will sound like a loving daddy to her, like, "How is mommy?" He will be leading up to your behavior, anything emotional that has impacted her.
PLEASE be as careful as you can about what your daughter sees and hears.
Just...please be careful.

[palmtree]

Maggie,

Your question was, what do you you tell others about what happened, I say, those that care about you already know. The others don't need to know. If they pry, change the subject.

I share what others have said. I'm so sorry and it is a cruel injustice. Maybe Gloria Allred would be interested in the case. She often takes cases that involve cruelty to women. I don't know much about custody laws. It seems when your daughter gets old enough, she should be able to get on the stand and decide. The fact that you were able to provide her a secure loving home even in a homeless shelter is testimony to what a strong bond you have with her.

I think, given a different judge and a decent lawyer, you can get the case overturned. The facts speak for themselves.

You said you have a month to file for the appeal. I would scrape together every penny you can find to get a lawyer who is willing to file the paperwork to meet the stature of limitations. Some lawyers will do this for a few hundred dollars. Then, you can seek out a real advocate for you, hopefully from legal aid.

I would fight this with everything you've got, not just for yourself and for your daughter, but for all the other women in similar situations. Judges like that need to get off the bench! Disability is not a reason to take custody away. There are quadriplegics who can be effective parents. I don't think that judge can legally use use MS as a reason to deny you custody.

[PattiHNC]

still thinking of you

and getting madder and madder at your ex and that so-called lawyer and judge. I don't know much about how these things work, but is there any way you could file a suit where you live now? It just sounds like the town where the ex lives is run by a bunch of good ole boys, and it would be extremely difficult to get a fair hearing. And I agree with your therapist, you need the support of your family and friends, as well as the better medical care you receive where you live now.

[Mamabug]

Have been out of town and just now saw your thread. You have received many compassionate responses and good advice. I have nothing new to add, but I also wish to say how sorry I am and how unfair it all seems.

[shel67]

I'LL remember you and your daughter in my prayers. I would look into discrimination. I have no idea where to begin doing that. Maybe calling MS advocacy groups. I don't know.

[Tracelyn]

I am so sorry to hear about you getting ran over in your divorce/custody battle.

I am in the process of attempting to obtain custody of my grandchildren from CPS and I had the GAL ask me about my MS. I was kind of surprised, but I am fortunate that my MS has been very stable and my Neurologist was quick to point out in her letter regarding my ability to care for the kids was just like any other 46 year old person, except that I listen to my body and that I work harder to not allow myself to be stressed or overwhelmed. (The ironic thing is that fighting to get these kids is more stressful and overwhelming than raising kids).


My prayers are with you and your daughter.

[Thinkimjob]

I don't think your lawyer did much of a job.

My partner, God help us, has nine children, none of them "ours" and three ex-wives. He raised four of the children (one of whom is older than me) after wife number one pulled the pin.

Yes, good, anyhoo. His theory is children should always have the chance to know and love their mother.
He has always encouraged them to have contact with their mothers, and from what I have seen, they all get along pretty well.
And yes, I do get Mother's Day presents. But noooo, you are not calling me 'Mum'. You are forty, after all.

His other theory is that kids always work things out when they get older.

I know that doesn't ease your pain. Your daughter will always love you, and you will always love her. She'll know how hard you fought for her.