Apologies for having MS

[Ulli66]

Hi guys, it's been a long time since I been here, but I feel I need to get some answers.

I have been married to a wonderful man for almost 30 years, but lately I feel like I have to apologies for not being able to do the things I used, like hiking and stuff like that.

I'm still able to walk, but I have to use my wheelchair for longer distances.

I know he doesn't mean to make me feel bad, but sometimes it hurts, when he says he wishes I could do more things outside, so he wouldn't have to go by himself.

I know it's hard to be a caregiver, but little innocent comments still hurt.

Thanks for caring

Am I wrong for feeling the way I do?

[toot2818]

You are not wrong. Having MS and not being able to do the things you used to do is hard for you and your husband.

Have you told him how you feel?

I have been lucky, after 29 years my hubby has been very support of. Since I was DX right after we married and my physical abilities have changed, he's been with me all they way.

Best of luck, we're here to listen

[JerryD]

You have a right to your feelings, Make no mistake about that ! Make no apologies about having MS, either. MS has a way of 'stripping' away your previous life and replacing it with another life that is incomplete in that you can't give , to your loved ones, the special things in the special ways, that you once did. Don't beat yourself up. Good luck

[ClearBlueSky]

Tell him "I wish it, too"! But it's just a wish! Things are what they are. And changes must happen. Realize he is hurting also. And you are not wrong for feeling any way. Oh, and no apologies.

Get a sure-footed dog. Your husband won't have to hike alone, and since you can walk, you can care for it and still get out, even though it's not hiking. if not a dog, a kid maybe. These are some suggestions. Do what you are able to do.

It will not be the same as before. Be inventive, together.

[pennstater]

I think it is important to acknowledge that MS has affected not only you, but also your husband. Let him know that you understand his feelings, you feel the same way and would gladly join him if you could. Then let him know that when he says things like that, it makes you feel guilty, sad, etc. .even though that was not his intention.

It is a loss for both of you and how to deal/accept that is different for everyone. Maybe you can work on some new interests you can share together to help.

Good luck.

[ZSP]

I can totally relate to everything you posted. I've been married 32 years and this thing called MS smacked me hard, out of the blue, about 6 years ago and my life has been forever changed.

I want to tell my husband to just leave and go make a life for himself with someone else. I'll never be able to do any of the activities we used to do together. I do not like being here watching him miss out on things and eventually coming to resent not only me but the fact he's missing out too.

My head is in a very bad place. I'm sorry if my being so frank is a bummer but it's my new reality and I hate it. Really, really hate it.

[poppydarling]

I'm still able to walk, but I have to use my wheelchair for longer distances.

I know he doesn't mean to make me feel bad, but sometimes it hurts, when he says he wishes I could do more things outside, so he wouldn't have to go by himself.

Am I wrong for feeling the way I do?

Not at all! You are both entitled to your feelings. That said, I know for sure that having MS is a bigger challenge than not having MS, so I hope he is considerate of your struggles. I hope you tell him when he is hurting your feelings, too. You shouldn't have to deal with this disease on a daily basis while fielding inconsiderate comments as well.

I think the advice here is excellent. Why not come up with activities you can do together? Or activities you can do together that allow you to rest when you need to, while he can go off for a little bit without you. He may need to get used to that, but this disease encourages everybody in our circle to change and grow.

[Maggie2015]

Not at all! You are both entitled to your feelings. That said, I know for sure that having MS is a bigger challenge than not having MS, so I hope he is considerate of your struggles. I hope you tell him when he is hurting your feelings, too. You shouldn't have to deal with this disease on a daily basis while fielding inconsiderate comments as well.

Hi Ulli66, it's Maggie.

I highlighted poppdarling's statement above because I do think that what she said is important for you and your self-esteem.

Imagine if the positions were reversed. What would you say to your husband if he had MS and had become unable to join you for outdoor activities?

If you did make comments like he has made, would you hope that he'd tell you if they hurt his feelings, so that it could open up a conversation between the two of you?

MS won't change, but how the two of you communicate about it and handle it can.

I might not be the best person to respond to this post because for about 2 years I felt increasingly guilty in my marriage for being extremely fatigued, and distracted by that fatigue.

I later realized many different things about my marriage that were deeply problematic, and these things had nothing to do with my MS--but because these problems were so insidious, or difficult to see, I jumped automatically to my MS as the cause.

I don't see that as happening to you, but I do want to tell you it's so important that you are able to relieve yourself of this guilt and not have to feel like you need to apologize.

I actually found out after the fact that my sense of guilt was making me more self-conscious about being fatigued, and more worried about being fatigued, and therefore CONTRIBUTING to my fatigue!

Good luck.

Maggie

[Jules A]

It is bad on both sides. Marriage is difficult even under the best conditions. One thing I think is important for a healthy marriage, MS or not, is to retain independent activities and friends. Just because we are married doesn't mean we need to be joined at the hip. I appreciate that my DH has his own social circle and activities that I haven't ever felt compelled to join.

I think when a couple is overly co-dependent struggles like MS can place an extra strain on the relationship.

[hunterd]

You have a right to your feelings, Make no mistake about that ! Make no apologies about having MS, either. MS has a way of 'stripping' away your previous life and replacing it with another life that is incomplete in that you can't give , to your loved ones, the special things in the special ways, that you once did. Don't beat yourself up. Good luck

i second that! you never need to apologize for something beyond your control.