How do you old friends why you no longer work?

[KSeraSera]

For those, like myself, who had to retire early due to MS, how do you tell people you knew earlier in your life why you no longer work? Old friends are starting to pop up in my life again and invitations to reunions are coming in as we reconnect. I know the "what are you doing now" will come up and I'm not sure I want to share I have MS with everyone right away. I know some of these friends will become part of my life again, but some it will just be a one time get together.

Anyone face this and what do you say?

[Jules A]

If I didn't have to hide my MS due to work reasons and fear of discrimination I would just tell them.

[pennstater]

Enjoy your reunions!

I also struggle with this. For people that are part of my life now, and the old friends that you can pick up as if no time has passed, I am honest and say I have MS. Sometimes this comes up if trying to plan a get together. So I can let them know that bowling, volleyball, the beach, and even trivial pursuit or scrabble are not really an option; that I have an MS induced curfew, etc..

This usually works, that I wanted to take a break after working so hard. The friends that hang around, you can then always explain the MS later.

Sometimes, for people who are acquaintances/colleagues, if I like and trust the person, then I just say I have MS and work became too much to handle. So if you are not working but think someday you may try again, just realize, it may get around.

Someone I really don't like or trust their intentions, I tell them I was fortunate to be in a position to leave the workforce and pursue other personal interests. I figure it is not really a lie (unfortunate to have MS but still fortunate that disability was an option) and I don't have to explain more. Let them live with envy and imagine I am independently wealthy...

There are usually some idiots who push to know more than what you want to share. For most people, I will just say it's no big deal, turn the conversation towards them, and let them talk all they want about themselves and their life. If someone keeps pushing, I let them know that it is a very personal matter. If really an idiot and won't let go, I thank them for their interest/concern, tell them I have a great support group and then I have no qualms letting them know that if I wanted to discuss, they would know already.

[heliotrope]

It's all in the phrasing. Technically I can still work - but after four hours "at work," you're scraping me off the floor. As a result, I've picked up multiple smaller jobs. All it takes is describing one, and people tend to back off. They just want something to talk about. Do you have a fascinating volunteer job or hobby you could dangle instead?

[Maggie2015]

I can relate--this is a difficult question to answer!

Hi KSeraSera, it's Maggie.

I know from personal experience that this is a difficult question to answer!

I was an English professor from 2008-2014. I am lucky, because I have an excuse--I say that I was an English professor in a rural state far from family, and that I have MS; I went through a difficult divorce; and I needed to move across the country to be close to family support and good MS care. I say that once I'm settled I plan to start looking for teaching jobs.

I agree with pennstater--if it's someone you trust you might say you're on disability. I also agree with heliotrope--whether it's someone you can't trust or someone you can, and you want to avoid the "pity problem," I think it is important to add an interest or hobby or some kind of focus that you're pursuing, so that you end on a "positive note."

I know that's kind of ridiculous, but I hate the "pity problem" silence. And when I told one of my dearest friends since college I was not working and was on long-term disability and planned to return to the workforce when/if my pain could be resolved, she just kept repeating, "but you're not working?"

I felt a little bit like garbage during and just after that conversation--then when I thought about it I got mad.

But some people, especially those who are particularly career-oriented (as I was), can't imagine what it would be like "not to work."

For me, I say that now that my MS is relatively stable and I am settling in, I want to focus on being a mom to my daughter and that that's my greatest joy.

I also have been thinking of starting to volunteer at a domestic violence shelter, and I've started to tell people that, too.

So if you have a passion, tell people how you plan to pursue this passion--even if it has to be on hold for now, or even if your pursuit of the passion is minimal--a two hour a week commitment online, from home.

Tell them you're active in an MS support group!

I'm rambling now--but just wanted to say I hear you, and it's tough. I hope that you're able to find an answer that makes you feel secure so that you can enjoy yourself. You deserve it!

Maggie

[toot2818]

Old friends

I just re-connected with an "old" friend from grade school. I just told her I had MS and was no longer working. We got together with two other "old" friends for lunch and had a great time.

MS was not a concern

True friends will be supportive.

[Mamabug]

Most ppl know that I have MS. I just tell them something like this: "I went on disability in 2008. I volunteer 10 or 15 hours a week at various places, and take care of myself and take my needed naps."

If they don't know, I preface it with "I have MS."

If we talk longer, I tell them it's not so bad. I got to retire at age 46, and the government pays me to do what I want with my time.

[KSeraSera]

[QUOTE=Maggie2015;1478995]Maggie.

"but I hate the "pity problem" silence"


I think that is a big part of why I'm stumped. Nothing brings down a good time like telling everyone you have a chronic disease. And it is so misunderstood sometimes and I don't want people to feel uncomfortable if I say I have it. I know it is a great opportunity to share what it really is, but again, a real downer. Awhile ago, my mother told the mother of some childhood friends who are out of state. I started getting calls from their mom, they told her to tell me all the wonderful things I could do to help myself. Most were of the "snake oil" variety, and it was very nice of them to try to help. I always just said "thank you, I'll look into that", but soon it got tiresome.

I seldom share even with my family what goes on with my MS. I have never liked talking about personal issues and getting a lot of attention. Seems like sharing the MS puts to big a focus on me.

Thanks everyone, I did get some great thoughts to move forward with. And, I can talk about what I do that isn't traditional work but is my passion.

I might be back to let you know how the first reunion went, and if good, then I'll be more inclined to be at more!

[toot2818]

Have fun and just be positive. Reunions are always interesting. And do let us know how it was.

Toot

[pennstater]

I think sometimes the pity aspect comes in based on how I say I have MS. If people sense me as a emotional or a little down or hesitant, I get the pity look. If I say I have MS as a matter of fact, that with fulltime work it became too much, and now can enjoy X,Y,Z. I don't get the pity look. X,Y,Z become the focus, with X, Y,Z being hobbies, volunteerism, exercise, etc...

[Mamabug]

I think sometimes the pity aspect comes in based on how I say I have MS. If people sense me as a emotional or a little down or hesitant, I get the pity look. If I say I have MS as a matter of fact, that with fulltime work it became too much, and now can enjoy X,Y,Z. I don't get the pity look. X,Y,Z become the focus, with X, Y,Z being hobbies, volunteerism, exercise, etc...

I agree. In fact, as my own personal feelings about being on disability changed, the way I worded things seemed to change automatically, without me even trying. I used to say "I'm just a volunteer" and now I say "I get to volunteer".

[pennstater]

I agree. In fact, as my own personal feelings about being on disability changed, the way I worded things seemed to change automatically, without me even trying. I used to say "I'm just a volunteer" and now I say "I get to volunteer".

Faith - I never realized the wording, but how true! I used to to do that too!

[Jules A]

I'm like you in that I don't discuss my MS stuff much with those who know and the good news is it rarely comes up. Whether they have forgotten the gravity of this miserable diagnosis because I keep plugging along or just don't want to deal with the reality either way is fine with me.

There can be the moment of pity when you first disclose but I really liked MamaBug's spin on phrasing to "I get to volunteer now" which not only deflects the conversation to a more pleasant topic of what your current interests are but also minimizes the pity moment. Good luck!

[pennstater]

I think sometimes the pity aspect comes in based on how I say I have MS. If people sense me as a emotional or a little down or hesitant, I get the pity look. If I say I have MS as a matter of fact, that with fulltime work it became too much, and now can enjoy X,Y,Z. I don't get the pity look. X,Y,Z become the focus, with X, Y,Z being hobbies, volunteerism, exercise, etc...

[Hawkeye]

When I see someone from my past, I am walking with a cane and moving "like some folks with MS do." When they asked what I am up to/ what's happening/ what I am doing these days, I reply with something like this:

"I am medically retired now. I have been fighting MS for fifteen years, and I finally had to step aside from my farming career and my business. So... how's your family????"

I suppose "medically retired" doesn't really mean ANYTHING, but it seems to satisfy the curious and buy me a pass from going further. Switching to asking about them always seems to be a welcomed path of conversation.

If I start getting a "pity response" from my first statement, I just look them kindly in the eyes, and say, "Hey, everybody's got something. Life is GOOD... it's just not always EASY. I imagine you've got your share of challenges too!"

I smile, they smile, and I again ask about them...

It's been a good way, for me, to handle the situation.