Just need to talk ...

[Karenkay]

I have no where else to talk about this. I have been in a depressed funk for so long I'm not sure I would know how to feel better, or what that feels like anymore. Dr is playing around with my meds but meanwhile ...

I just had a MRI done and good news, Ms is stable and no new lesions. Oh, and by the way I have another non cancerous tumor. It's really small right now but "may-may not" grow and cause seizures among a myriad of other things. The first one is in my left ear and I have lost 75% hearing in that ear.

I'm not looking for answers, just need to tell someone. Dr suggested I talk with a PSY DR and they are booked a few months out but I have an appt scheduled. Maybe the depression drugs will help. Don't misunderstand, I'm not suicidal, just really, really sad all of the time.

Hubby has said he's had enough. Enough of living with ms, enough of me being depressed, enough of our life together. After 30 yrs of marriage he's not sure if he wants to move on but he is considering it. He's the one and only love of my life. We've been together since high school.

Even good news is tainted by upsetting news. How can people see the light at the light at the end?

[Seasha]

Hi Karen~
I'm so sorry that you're feeling down...it's not a fun place to be.

So, you have some good news to share as well and that's always good to hear!! The problem being, you are probably so down in the dumps, it's not enough to pull you out of it. Only temporarily, right?

I have been where you are and getting the right medication for depression was the only thing that pulled me though as well as having an understanding therapist. I'm glad you have an appointment with a psy doctor in 4 months, but maybe what would help now is seeing your pcp asap! They can give you a prescription sooner than later. That's what I did.

Many of these antidepressants take a few weeks to kick in. Then when you see the psychiatrist, they will assess your problem and make necessary adjustments to the med you taking, if needed. This is assuming they will work with your pcp, like mine did.

Having a good therapist is crucial too!

I am so sorry marital problems are on the table. I can only hope and wish for you that things can be resolved once you get on a anti-d and see the therapist. Sometimes husbands resist going through with marriage counseling or seeing a therapist, and if this is your case, at least you are doing it for yourself!!!

Try to hold your head up high and know that by seeking help, you are on the right path and are deserving for better things to come!!
You always have us, you know, so come here often and talk with us as much as you need.
Take care

[msgijo]

Hubby has said he's had enough. Enough of living with ms, enough of me being depressed, enough of our life together. After 30 yrs of marriage he's not sure if he wants to move on but he is considering it. He's the one and only love of my life. We've been together since high school.

Hi Karenkay.
I am sorry that you are feeling so sad. I know when I am sad NOTHING that is 'good news' seems to be all that good either.

Your husband (like most men) most likely has a built in "fix-it" gene, and when they cant fix it they get really overwhelmed. Kinda like 'how dare you not respond to my fixing you' ... IMHO they are worse than a spoiled 2yo when things don't work out their way .

What makes it really bad for me is that my dh is my friend, and one of the few people who can / will listen and empathize with me about MS. BUT he too gets out of sorts when I am down and he doesn't know what to do for me. Telling him that there is really nothing that he CAN do is just like throwing gasoline on a fire.

As Seasha said, go thru the steps for yourself. Maybe just seeing that you are making an effort will cause your husband to back up a little and decide to work with you on this. If not then at least YOU will have done all that you can to make things right.

Pull every drop of happiness that you can find from every moment that you have the chance to see it. I saw the first humming bird of the season today . And a 'volunteer' sunflower started blooming today too! Small things but they brought a smile to my face, and a small moment of happiness .

I hope you start feeling better soon.

[KatieAgain]

Karen

Depressed or not depressed, IMO, a tumor, even though non-cancerous but potentially life changing and marital problems would cancel out a good MRI each and every single time. And it would make me very sad. And I don't think anyone who just experienced what you just have would be all bubbly and happy.

I agree both you and your husband need some therapy. This is not something that is going to go away and both of you probably need some coping mechanisms so that you can enjoy your lives. I hope he would be open to that suggestion. Since both of you have been together since your teens, I think there is a good chance for a positive outcome.

[Karenkay]

Thanks for listening, I truly appreciate it.

[Mamabug]

Karen --

Sorry to hear about your depression, and particularly, your marriage. Hopefully, the AD meds will take care of the depression before the long wait for your appointment. But, it's a good thing that you have the appointment; both you and your husband could use some therapy.

I've also been married for approx 30 years; we've also been through some difficult times in our marriage, due to MS. If you need to talk more, my email address is in my profile.

~ Faith

[palmtree]

Karen

Depressed or not depressed, IMO, a tumor, even though non-cancerous but potentially life changing and marital problems would cancel out a good MRI each and every single time. And it would make me very sad. And I don't think anyone who just experienced what you just have would be all bubbly and happy.

I agree both you and your husband need some therapy. This is not something that is going to go away and both of you probably need some coping mechanisms so that you can enjoy your lives. I hope he would be open to that suggestion. Since both of you have been together since your teens, I think there is a good chance for a positive outcome.

I agree. You are doing all the right things. You have a good head on your shoulders and a lot of self awareness.it sounds like you have a very special relationship with your husband. I think you will pull through.

Can you find something fun to do together? Something that will help you forget for a little while the things that bring you down? A picnic, gliding down a river in a boat as the sun goes down with candlelight, dinner and wine...I think you two will make it. He means a lot to you. Be creative.

[Karenkay]

How do I live with it? 30 years of marriage. My heart is breaking. Hubby told our daughter he is moving out after her wedding in two weeks. He is convinced that divorcing is the only option for me because I would get better medical benefits if we aren't married. I'm not suffering. I get what I need when I need it.

And it's better for him - then he can earn alot more money and not be worried *when* (his word, not mine ) I'm in long term care and the state/government take his money. He is flipping 53 yrs old!! At what age does he think a person will earn and max out income!!

Everything I say, he discards saying I'm too emotional and not understanding his side. But I do understand, he doesn't want to be married to me and MS.

[Mamabug]

Karen --

My marriage went through a very difficult time as well, due to my MS. The "divorce" word also came up in our household. For me, my MS symptoms, when in a flare, include mania. When I'm manic, I don't make good decisions and my hubby had had enough of that.

Over time, he seemed to realize that "in sickness or in health" really meant that. That the really bad decisions I was at high risk of making in the past would have been due to illness, not to whether I was a good or moral person, and not due to whether, at those times, I was someone he wanted to be married to. Thankfully, the current med I'm on controls my MS much better and my mania, now, during flares is not nearly as severe as it once was. Also, flares are less frequent.

This is different than your situation, I assume. But, the "in sickness or in health" part should still remain. If that no longer matters to him, treatments for MS are much better now than they were a decade or two ago and research continues to occur. Although I am pessimistic (or realistic) enough not to expect a cure, I do think that management of the disease will likely continue to improve. We already tend to reach SPMS at a later time than we used to, if we are on a DMD. Progression of our illness can be delayed. Even when it does occur, many people with MS can have their illness managed at home.

Hopefully, your husband will be willing to attend therapy with you. Even if he isn't willing, at this point, to rule out divorce, after all these years, I hope he is willing to, at least, explore other options.

And, if the two of you have children, even if they are already adults, divorce of their parents continues to be a loss and a difficult adjustment, even for adult children. I hope he will consider that.

You mention:

• your depression
• the future expense of long-term care
• your medical benefits

as his possible reasons for considering divorce.

Perhaps a therapist can help the two of you look at these issues, and whatever other issues he might have and decide how to tackle them, head-on, as a team. You've already started tackling the depression by beginning anti-depressants and making this appointment. The two of you, with good advice, can probably find strategies to tackle the other issues as well.

[Karenkay]

Karen --

But, the "in sickness or in health" part should still remain. it no longer matters to him, he says he needs to protect his future

Hopefully, your husband will be willing to attend therapy with you. He is willlling, so long as "it helps fix me" ... Even if he isn't willing, at this point, to rule out divorce, after all these years, I hope he is willing to, at least, explore other options.only option is divorce

Perhaps a therapist can help the two of you look at these issues, and whatever other issues he might have and decide how to tackle them, head-on, as a team ...
no 'I' in team, right? He has talked to a lawyer who told him that his assets will be considered in my healthcare. Therefore the only way he can protect his assets ....

Hopefully I highlighted that the way I wanted ...

[Mamabug]

... After 30 yrs of marriage he's not sure if he wants to move on but he is considering it...

I was hoping he was still only considering divorce -- that, maybe, there was still hope of remaining together.