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    Can denial be a good thing

    As my balance and strength get steadily worse, I am back in PT. A last hope to turn back time. At my first appointment, my new PT told me I seriously need to look for a different job and start using assistive devices.
    As an RN, in my current position which I have been in for 30 years, I would not be able to work if I used any assistive devices. I keep "safe" by wall walking and trying to sit whenever possible even for a minute if my legs feel like they are going to give out.
    So far I've gotten by and know it's getting harder to get through my shifts. My whole life my philosophy has been "keep going no matter what life throws at me". I can't imagine stopping unless I can't get up at all.
    Have others done this, keep working even if it is probably not safe? Am I really denying or is it good to keep going and fighting what you know is happening to your body?

    #2
    Originally posted by AriD View Post
    As my balance and strength get steadily worse, I am back in PT. A last hope to turn back time. At my first appointment, my new PT told me I seriously need to look for a different job and start using assistive devices.
    As an RN, in my current position which I have been in for 30 years, I would not be able to work if I used any assistive devices. I keep "safe" by wall walking and trying to sit whenever possible even for a minute if my legs feel like they are going to give out.
    So far I've gotten by and know it's getting harder to get through my shifts. My whole life my philosophy has been "keep going no matter what life throws at me". I can't imagine stopping unless I can't get up at all.
    Have others done this, keep working even if it is probably not safe? Am I really denying or is it good to keep going and fighting what you know is happening to your body?
    Your new PT told you that you need to look for a different job and start using assistive devices.
    You acknowledge that you've "gotten by".
    You acknowledge that it is more difficult to get through your shifts.
    You acknowledge that continuing to work is probably not safe.
    You continue to work, because your philosophy has always been "keep going no matter what life throws at me".

    Re-read what I wrote, and try to answer your own question. Can denial be a good thing?

    I, likely, would not be real comfortable being cared for by a nurse who is only "getting by", who is having more trouble getting through her shifts, and who acknowledges that continuing to work is probably not safe. Would you?

    Often when we begin a new thread, Ari, our posts are saying more than what we put down in black and white. And, I don't want to be cruel and respond to only what you are asking. I suspect that you are also sharing, without actually stating, your desire to continue in your current profession and probably your current job. And, you are probably stating that, yeah, MS is simply unfair.

    You have worked in that position for 30 years. You probably have some decent retirement benefits built up. And, maybe, with your PT's written recommendation, in addition to your other medical records and the opinions of your other health care professionals, you may be able to be approved for SSDI and possibly STD and LTD, depending what your benefits through your employer might be.

    In my experience, although there were definitely some initial feelings of great loss upon discontinuing employment and going on disability, once I got past that and into my "acceptance" phase, I was very glad that I'd decided to pursue disability. There are definitely some silver linings of blessing behind the clouds of disability. Leaving behind the stresses of work and the wall-walking and the trouble getting through shifts might be some of those silver linings. Moving on to finding activities that are productive, but appropriate for your levels of ability and disability, might be some additional blessings.
    ~ Faith
    MSWorld Volunteer -- Moderator since JUN2012
    (now a Mimibug)

    Symptoms began in JAN02
    - Dx with RRMS in OCT03, following 21 months of limbo, ruling out lots of other dx, and some "probable stroke" and "probable CNS" dx for awhile.
    - In 2008, I was back in limbo briefly, then re-dx w/ MS: JUL08
    .

    - Betaseron NOV03-AUG08; Copaxone20 SEPT08-APR15; Copaxone40 APR15-present
    - Began receiving SSDI / LTD NOV08. Not employed. I volunteer in my church and community.

    Comment


      #3
      Hi mama bug

      Just want to reassure you that if I ever thought my patients weren't getting every bit of care they deserved and more or that I was unsafe for them I would stop in a second. I hold myself to a very high standard in providing the best care, both physical and emotional, to my patients and their families.
      I am a resource for the unit as well which brings extra responsibilities. Being in an ICU I dont have many patients getting out of bed and if I do I make sure to have extra help just in case.
      Most people I work with aren't even aware of hard it is for me. They know I have MS and despite how tired I feel or how weak my legs feel, a coworker may comment on how good I'm doing. Go figure.
      My PT's main concern was that I could fall since I can't use assistive devices. She felt it's time to look for a more sedentary position before the choice is taken away from me. She feels I'm denying how bad my legs are but I keep moving.

      Comment


        #4
        OK. It sounds like you've thought it through, somewhat. Maybe a lot.

        Still, the list of challenges that you acknowledged continue to concern me. Perhaps, not for your patients' sake, if you are diligent about providing good care. But, at the very least, for your own health. Stress exacerbates MS, and pushing yourself to the ends of your capabilities sounds stressful to me.

        Please continue to consider the advice of your Physical Therapist.
        ~ Faith
        MSWorld Volunteer -- Moderator since JUN2012
        (now a Mimibug)

        Symptoms began in JAN02
        - Dx with RRMS in OCT03, following 21 months of limbo, ruling out lots of other dx, and some "probable stroke" and "probable CNS" dx for awhile.
        - In 2008, I was back in limbo briefly, then re-dx w/ MS: JUL08
        .

        - Betaseron NOV03-AUG08; Copaxone20 SEPT08-APR15; Copaxone40 APR15-present
        - Began receiving SSDI / LTD NOV08. Not employed. I volunteer in my church and community.

        Comment


          #5
          I do think about it a lot. That was why I was asking how other people have coped with the realization that things are getting much worse. Has anyone pushed on and had something bad happen? Or regretted stopping too early? Do they keep going "denying" the probable near future or stop earlier to "be safe" and realistic. It's so discouraging and scary. I don't want to have an injury from a fall but don't want to just give up either.

          I have kids that need me, financially and otherwise. If I keep going, I can meet my obligations too. It's just me for my kids. That's why I've always just kept moving no matter what.

          I really appreciate your concern though.

          Comment


            #6
            Hi AriD,

            I'm also a healthcare provider. After I was diagnosed, I stopped working 12 hour shifts. I've now moved to a clinic position. Would this be possible for you? It would be less time on your feet and less stress. Hope you are feeling better soon.

            Comment


              #7
              You´re between a rock and a hard place. If you decrease your hours, your LTD benefits decrease. There is something inherently wrong with a system that basically makes you opt between all or nothing. Please look into low dose aspirin and remyelination.

              Comment


                #8
                Kat, I started looking at job postings in my hospital after my PT appointment last week. Too few nursing jobs right now unfortunately. I hate to think of leaving a job I've loved for so many years. Thanks for your support.

                Temagami
                I'm actually on high dose aspirin because i have a stenosis and aneurysm in one of my cerebral arteries just to add to what's going on in my brain.
                I agree the system stinks. thanks

                I

                Comment


                  #9
                  I'm going to look at it from a different perspective. Your profession is part of your identity. It gives you self esteem. You are helping others. After so many years you must be a senior member of the staff.

                  Forgetting about MS is not a bad thing.

                  It sounds like you are not ready to give it up. You will know when you are. It might be good to start researching SSDI and other disability options so you will have all your ducks in a row when the time comes.

                  Bravo for you to keep up the fight. In the meantime, save every penny you can. It will come in handy later.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    "Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart and you'll never, never, never, never, never you'll never walk alone." (Too many nevers, maybe.)

                    I'm probably the wrong person to ask, but strangely enough I'm probably the right person.

                    I, too, have an aneurysm. I, too, cling to walls. I have a job which I like, and I just do not want to quit, yet.
                    I figure if I can still do my job (journalist, little paper, so no-one is going to get hurt - yep, spelt your name wrong, mate, suck it up) then why shouldn't I keep going for as long as possible?

                    The alternative, quitting "for the sake of my health", well the day will come. But that wall is still there, and I can still walk.

                    Come home, exhausted, and wonder, well, what else was I going to do today? If I spend tomorrow half asleep in a bit of pain on the sofa watching TV in payment for a hard day, then I think a day or two of not thinking about MS is worth it.

                    But then, I don't have children, and I think that might change everything.

                    All the best AriD.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by AriD View Post
                      I do think about it a lot. That was why I was asking how other people have coped with the realization that things are getting much worse. Has anyone pushed on and had something bad happen? Or regretted stopping too early? Do they keep going "denying" the probable near future or stop earlier to "be safe" and realistic. It's so discouraging and scary. I don't want to have an injury from a fall but don't want to just give up either.

                      I have kids that need me, financially and otherwise. If I keep going, I can meet my obligations too. It's just me for my kids. That's why I've always just kept moving no matter what.

                      I really appreciate your concern though.
                      Those are really good questions. Best wishes to you, as you continue to ponder and work at deciding what you will do.
                      ~ Faith
                      MSWorld Volunteer -- Moderator since JUN2012
                      (now a Mimibug)

                      Symptoms began in JAN02
                      - Dx with RRMS in OCT03, following 21 months of limbo, ruling out lots of other dx, and some "probable stroke" and "probable CNS" dx for awhile.
                      - In 2008, I was back in limbo briefly, then re-dx w/ MS: JUL08
                      .

                      - Betaseron NOV03-AUG08; Copaxone20 SEPT08-APR15; Copaxone40 APR15-present
                      - Began receiving SSDI / LTD NOV08. Not employed. I volunteer in my church and community.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        I am or should say use to be of the mindset that if you ignore everything bad in your life, 99.9% of it resolves itself or goes away. Then I got MS....

                        I was in the military and I was actually retained without any restrictions, when I got diagnosed with MS. I had no problems until one day I started experiencing cog fog and was messing up words. The troops started noticing. It only took me a couple months to realize I had absolutely no business doing what I was doing anymore because my decisions had a very serious impact on other peoples lives. And I had to make irreversible decisions on the spot.

                        With the assistance of my bosses, I put in for an immediate retirement. I get a pension and VA Disability...so I made MS my full time job. I must say I lucked out with that and although I miss working...my MS has been so aggressive at 52 years of age, I am not doing as well as most in all honesty.

                        You are in a tough position, especially with the kids. You need an income. I absolutely do not think you are in denial. I think you are starting to realize it is time for a change. Maybe just keep on doing what you are doing, but proactively look for less stressful and less active employment.

                        Lowering your expectations....is not always a bad thing. We all at some point have to realize some battles can not be won.
                        Katie
                        "Yep, I have MS, and it does have Me!"
                        "My MS is a Journey for One."
                        Dx: 1999 DMDS: Avonex, Copaxone, Rebif, currently on Tysabri

                        Comment


                          #13
                          I know exactly what you mean. I have been a gp for years and have loved the job. It is obviously a responsible job and I do still consider myself safe and also have much experience to help me.

                          Recently though, at a routine practice inspection ( done to all general practice surgeries every few years) I was asked about my ms as I use a cane. I was forced to have an independent occupational health check to show that I was fit to practice. I tried resisting , saying that that there were no adverse events and this was blatant discrimination. (I am employed by the NHS in the UK. ) I ended up going and was told I was a sensible gp, and safe to carry on working.

                          Somehow this dented my confidence, I then had a steroid requiring flare, though got back to working-able state after a few weeks. With my lack of confidence now, and not so good mobility, very,very,very, very sadly I gave in my resignation last week and will stop work in October.
                          It breaks my heart, and I am not sure how I will fill my time.

                          I so understand your dilemma and I hate ms.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            I agree with the idea of looking for a job outside of the hospital setting. Also there are nursing phone jobs...NO walking! My mom has been working on the phone for about 25yrs for different companies & she makes good money doing it. Good luck!
                            MS dx's 2000
                            Tysabrian

                            ¤ fate is not just who's cooking smells good, but which way the wind blows ¤

                            Comment


                              #15
                              what a great idea

                              phone in health services....I think that is a great plan!

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