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Dealing with close friends... Advice needed!

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    #16
    Originally posted by Dale76 View Post
    Thick headed yes, I find he doesn't listen half the time. Really his intentions are generally good he just doesn't relate well. Like if I talk about being in pain he will say he gets back pain too but he just lives with it... One of those people that think they are relating but they don't grasp the severity.

    Unfortunately my own brother still doesn't fully accept or relate to my illness & we have grown apart as a result, we still speak, just not as often. If my own family had trouble understanding I feel I need to cut my friend some slack.
    Oh boy, do I know how you feel! I have a very "helpful" neighbor just like this, who also means well but also doesn't truly understand, and can be demanding and even thoughtless sometimes. This is what matters: you're bothered by it, enough that it's affecting your health. Despite what others' feelings and expectations are, changes need to be made.

    My therapist often reminds me that you are not obligated to return phone calls or texts! I have gotten some distance from the situation that way (she just texted again as I was typing this LOL might not have been as successful as I thought).

    My therapist also advises me to rehearse responses that are truthful, simple and shut down any more conversation ("Why didn't you call me back?" "I wasn't feeling well and couldn't return phone calls.") Boom. If he keeps going, you just repeat the phrase until he stops. He doesn't sound like the type of personality who gets a hint, so you may need to repeat it a lot. You also may need to say how you're really feeling, what you need, and then walk away-- it may feel rude at first but you must take care of yourself. Once you are standing up for yourself, I think you will feel better about the overall situation, and be less bothered by him, too.

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      #17
      You may consider using Facebook.
      I create a page last year to better keep in contact with my nieces and nephews, but I’m thinking a Facebook page may help you create a more comfortable contact level with him and if you chose expand your circle of people know.
      Also I have learned more about them by seeing their pages, and likewise your friend may learn more about you via your page.

      And I most add you should be open to the possibility the friendship has reached its end. I had a best friend in K-12, but he started hanging with the going-nowhere group and stop calling to hang out, so a stop calling him and have lived a better life as a result. Now 30yrs later I heard he is still in the same city, divorced and is a stock-boy, were as I live on a small farm with my wife of 25yrs (who is also my best friend) and work full time as a CAD manager.
      As they say "when one door closes anther door opens".
      Give life meaning, live life by the 9 Noble Virtues.

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        #18
        Maybe another reason?

        Years ago, 32 to be precise, I was the "leave-ee" in a marriage separation, subsequently divorce. Most people were super-supportive, but by no means all of them. I didn't ask questions of those people, but one, who was subsequently in an analogous situation, admitted to me that she was "just scared" and thought that she wanted to be as far away from me as possible so that it wouldn't happen to her. Fear is a big reason that people just don't want to hear.
        I'm not suggesting that your bone-headed neighbor fits that bill, but it could. Maybe he's just insensitive, or maybe he feels safer when he can see you doing something physical like looking at cars.
        He doesn't want to face your MS -- don't force it, it will just frustrate you. When he says "I see you're better," you can reply, "I feel like cr*p, but I'm glad it doesn't show." Reply to only one e-mail each day or every other day. It's your life, darn it, not his!!

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