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    Dealing with close friends... Advice needed!

    So I have a close friend who also lives very near to me... The issue is my PPMS has left me with no social skills, I have been reducing my number of friends for years and never go visiting. It has gotten to the point where I can't handle social situations at all and I need to be alone most the time. I find just having a conversation is exhausting & I'm constantly struggling to keep up. I also get stressed & or angry way too easy if a disagreement arises.

    My family understands my situation to some degree but this particular friend has very little grasp of how ill I am. We bond on a similar interest in cars and I still do some hobby work on cars from time to time when I'm able. This is where I have an issue because my friend always sees me at my best & doesn't like talking about my MS so he seems to think I 'm not so bad. Problem is he is a nice guy & a good friend, I don 't want to eliminate him, I just want to greatly reduce the time I spend with him.

    Any advice how to scale back a friendship without causing hard feelings? Explaining my MS isn't an option because when I have tried he seems to loose focus rather quickly & get uncomfortable looking.

    #2
    I personally suffer from social isolation, but not usually the self imposed variety. We all have our preferences when individuals otherwise close to us find our MS awkward to deal with. I've learned to overlook and accept the awkwardness some people have about my MS.

    Comment


      #3
      Originally posted by MSW1963 View Post
      I personally suffer from social isolation, but not usually the self imposed variety. We all have our preferences when individuals otherwise close to us find our MS awkward to deal with. I've learned to overlook and accept the awkwardness some people have about my MS.
      I get what your saying but my concern is that I will do or say something I can't come back from... I guess maybe I understated my problems a bit. I can't handle any sore of argument, even small, my blood pressure spikes, adrenaline starts pumping and I loose total control & start shaking & hyperventilating. During this time I normally can't think at all, my brain shuts down, I'm overcome with pain & my memory of events is always fuzzy later. It's also normally a set back for me progression wise.

      I guess my idea is if I spend a lot less time with my friend we will be less likely to have a disagreement.

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        #4
        I have been having to deal with this too. I have actually had to decrease my network of friends because I was being worn thin and my MS is getting worse.

        I have told them my doctor has limited my socializing time due the stressors involved and my body is giving out. That includes talking on the phone. I let everyone know my social engagements are limited to twice a week during evening hours, because the daytime is for medical and personal stuff.

        I also asked everyone to email me vs. call me so they don't wake me if I am taking a nap.

        I don't mind being alone so this whole thing has allowed me to be quite selective on who I want to remain in my life at this time. I was at a social event the other night and a verbal altercation occured. Talk about stress. So the adult in the group....me...said "my look at the time...I need to go home." Which everyone knows when I say that...I won't be back and so apologies were offered.

        Don't be afraid to set boundries. Once a week I play a game with three friends. I limit it to 3-hours. None are offended.

        Friends are nice to have and of course you dont want to hurt them. So you can do what I do and blame it on your doctor. They cant argue or feel hurt by that...in fact they might realize how serious things are becoming.
        Katie
        "Yep, I have MS, and it does have Me!"
        "My MS is a Journey for One."
        Dx: 1999 DMDS: Avonex, Copaxone, Rebif, currently on Tysabri

        Comment


          #5
          I understand setting social boundaries, this disease is so strange in the variety of ways it affects each of us individually.

          Is it possible to explain to your friend, without going into too much detail, that you reach your limit to manage in social situations, but you nevertheless enjoy sharing your recreational activity?

          The relationship seems important enough that you've posted about it for advice, so if you can set appropriate boundaries with your friend, it's possible it could pay off in the long run.

          As KatieAgain suggested, you could curse that darn doc who want's you to closely manage social stress.

          If he's someone who's personality sends you over the edge, you should feel free to cut the cord?

          Best wishes that you manage to get the best of both worlds, socialization and the option to opt out when necessary.

          No judgment here, just do what helps you most. Take care.

          Comment


            #6
            Dale76,
            I have PPMS, too. I have been very up front with everyone that I socialize with that I have had some social set backs in my way of dealing with the disease. I have always been somewhat 'gregarious' and 'verbose'. And 'frankly my dear, I don't give a darn'. I realize that my attitude can isolate me from some. I try very hard not to offend people especially friends and colleagues. I find that some people will use my illness to keep distance from me because they have a problem dealing with my illness. Maybe much more than I do. And I don't have a problem beng direct or blunt. But I do find that 'parse' my words and hold my feelings in check.
            I suggest that you share your PPMS problems and add them to your conversations, in careful, select ways. If you know that your friend understands your situation with battling the MonSter, you may benefit from his feelings of compassion. You may feel uncomfortable with this, but you may feel unburdened. Good luck

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              #7
              Thanks guys, like I said explaining it isn't an option as he just doen't listen, trust me I have tried and it isn't that I don't want to talk about it, he doesn't. I can't fault him too much because it has been a real battle getting my family to listen. Keep in mind I'm only 28 and I look perfectly healthy.

              I may try Katie's advice but my friend knows I'm not fond of doctors or their advice...

              I too have pretty much stopped using the phone, I leave it on silent & tell people to text or e-mail. I no longer can process things quick enough to keep up to phone calls. When I need to make a call I have to make notes first so I'm prepared.

              Comment


                #8
                Do what you can do. I've started reconnecting with people I 'cracked off' as they say in the world of campdrafting (horse, cow, cutting yard, three pegs).

                I did that to them, they didn't do that to me, although I rationalised my behaviour by blaming them because I couldn't go out, or party hearty, or ooh walk.

                I truly do believe most people are on your side. Life is not what it was. It takes us (the actual 'sufferer') a long time to come to terms with this. You should maybe give your friends a break. (They won't always pony up, either, and it hurts.)

                Comment


                  #9
                  If I sensed a friend was uncomfortable...awkward about my MS? B-BYE!

                  I also have stopped making calls...and there's a lot of people I actually want to talk to.
                  I don't return calls. I use social media to keep in touch. The people I really care about understand.

                  Hanging out with people? Don't really do that much...but am of the mindset to be more social not more withdrawn.

                  I have no problem saying, "You know what, I need to lay down...sorry. See you later".
                  Why add all the drama.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Originally posted by Windwalker View Post
                    If I sensed a friend was uncomfortable...awkward about my MS? B-BYE!

                    I also have stopped making calls...and there's a lot of people I actually want to talk to.
                    I don't return calls. I use social media to keep in touch. The people I really care about understand.

                    Hanging out with people? Don't really do that much...but am of the mindset to be more social not more withdrawn.

                    I have no problem saying, "You know what, I need to lay down...sorry. See you later".
                    Why add all the drama.
                    He isn't my best friend, not sure I have one that really fits that title but he does help me out when I need which I do the same for him when I can. I don't see eye to eye with him on everything & he says & does things that annoy me but no one is perfect and he normally means well.

                    I find a lot of people are uncomfortable talking about MS... I find they all scramble for something positive to say or keep asking isn't there something that can be done? When they ask that & I say not really then that is never a pleasant moment... I find people are just fine talking about any kind of medical condition that is curable, cured, improving etc... But as soon as you bring up an incurable condition with study downward progression & constant suffering it gets a little too dark for most people.

                    I should also mention that when I say my friend lives close... We use the same driveway & share parts of a our yards... So saying bye-bye isn't really a option as I randomly bump into him regularly. That is the problem, between that and his drop in visits, daily texting & invites it gets too much. I want to find a nice way to keep my visiting down to just the random times we see each other out in the yard etc. & do away with the visits as well as a lot less texting... I get texted several times a day asking me what I'm doing... Nothing! So stop asking! But since I know he means well I'm never rude like that... I know from past experience it isn't a good idea to make enemies with your neighbour so I guess that is why this is stressing me so bad.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Dale

                      Now that I know what you are up against, I have different advice for you. Hope you dont mind.

                      I would order Chinese one night and invite him over. Firstly, educate him about your flavor of MS. Then start out with something positive like, "Your friendship means a great deal to me...you do such nice things." Then thrown in the negative, "I am so physically exhausted, I can't answer all your texts and I can't do everything you want." Then back to a positive, "I want to remain your friend, because I need friends, especially with MS. Can you help me develop a game plan that will allow us to remain good friends but let me have the down time that my body needs?"

                      Let him be a part of coming up with the solution...that way he won't be offended and might end up being the best friend you ever have.

                      BTW...I got diagnosed in my mid thirties at the same time as a friend of mine. Our dx were three days apart. Both of us were beyond ourselves. Long story short he ended up PPMS and I ended up RRMS. We are both in our 50s now and very accepting of the crosses we bear. Although not plesant...we have both readjusted our visions of what life should be. And there have been some happy moments in there for both of us.

                      Be selective in your friends and hold them dear. You are too young not to have friends. And there are happy moments for you too.
                      Katie
                      "Yep, I have MS, and it does have Me!"
                      "My MS is a Journey for One."
                      Dx: 1999 DMDS: Avonex, Copaxone, Rebif, currently on Tysabri

                      Comment


                        #12
                        I really can relate to what your saying. It's a bit of a tightrope walk in your situation.
                        I have found, over time, that friends get weary of it. They have their own lives and issues.
                        As you point out, saying there's nothing that can be done and that your always getting worse...maybe makes them "check out". These people will not get the B-BYE!...just a gradual phasing out.
                        My best suggestion is to just be honest about your energy level and social capabilities. Everyone knows I rest in bed from 2:00 pm - 6:00 pm. Don't bother me at this time. Explain that you will eventually be in touch but it's hard to be responsive as a "normal" person.
                        Being good neighbors does not always mean you have to be "best buds". Good luck.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Thanks Windwalker & Katie. Still not totally sure how to approach it. I like the idea of mixing the coversation a little but I would probably get lost & never make my point! That is part of it is my mind goes blank in the heat of the moment & I just can't find the right words. Combine that with someone who isn't keen on the subject & the conversation normally gets changed to another topic...

                          I know I'm young to not want friends but at this point they are causing me too much stress & I feel like I'm on the verge of a full mental break down!

                          I think I will write him an e-mail to try to explain... The problem is no matter how much I explain the progression part I find people just don't get it... I just know I'll be out doing something in the yard right after explaining & my buddy will walk over and say, "oh your feeling better I see."
                          That is the thing I'm in rough shape but I still find a way & the will power to do some pretty physical tasks... They cause me a lot of pain & I shouldn't do it but they are normally things that are important to me so I push myself to do them. People tend to confuse this with me feeling better.

                          I realize just because he is a neighbor we don't need to be best buddys. The problem is when he moved in 3 years ago I was working full time & had just started with mmj, I was doing pretty good at the time & we hit it off. Now it is proving tough to reduce it back down to a more casual friendship now that things have gone so downhill for me.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            This guy sounds thick headed and insensitive, maybe worse, his intentions could be less than honorable, maybe bordering on something harmless but 'sinister', particularly considering how his pushy behavior is affecting you. I'd consider the possibility that an alterior motive may be involved, he's got some point to prove?

                            I'd politely but firmly avoid him, or you set the terms of this friendship going forward.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Originally posted by MSW1963 View Post
                              This guy sounds thick headed and insensitive, maybe worse, his intentions could be less than honorable, maybe bordering on something harmless but 'sinister', particularly considering how his pushy behavior is affecting you. I'd consider the possibility that an alterior motive may be involved, he's got some point to prove?

                              I'd politely but firmly avoid him, or you set the terms of this friendship going forward.
                              Thick headed yes, I find he doesn't listen half the time. Really his intentions are generally good he just doesn't relate well. Like if I talk about being in pain he will say he gets back pain too but he just lives with it... One of those people that think they are relating but they don't grasp the severity.

                              Unfortunately my own brother still doesn't fully accept or relate to my illness & we have grown apart as a result, we still speak, just not as often. If my own family had trouble understanding I feel I need to cut my friend some slack.

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