I am so sad

[22cyclist]

Tonight my husband told me he didn't love me anymore. He just felt like a caretaker and he didn't want to take care of patients at work and then come home, cook, clean it up (mind you I just had another surgery or I would be doing these things). I called him selfish and now he won't forgive me, says I am lying. I didn't ask for this disease and don't understand where this is coming from. He says he is just to swamped with work to deal with me.

If it were him, I would take care of him. In fact when he had his parathyroid out I took care of hime for 6 months because his calcium was all over the place, he couldn't remember anything, needed me to do almost everything for him. I just can't get up right now. I have someone to care for me three days per week. So he was supposed to take time off and be with me the other two days, plus the weekends (if he is on call I get someone else to stay with me).

I understand how hard it can be to take care of people at home and at work. I did it several years when one of my grandparents was very sick and died.

I HATE THIS STUPID DISEASE- EVERY LITTLE PART OF IT!!!!!

Thanks for letting me vent.

Lisa

[CWoods]

I am so sorry. Have you been through counselling together?

[22cyclist]

I am so sorry. Have you been through counselling together?

In the past we have and I will ask him again today if he will talk to me. Thanks for the idea.

[Tia1]

Lisa, I am so sorry that you are going through this. What an awful thing to have dumped on you.

Being overwhelmed can bring out the worse in some people (temporary insanity) when you don't feel capable of doing what you need to do, you sometimes don't do anything. Maybe, he picked an argument using anger to cover fear, exhaustion,, etc.

I think counseling could help you both. You deserve to have your needs met and he needs to figure out how to connect with something other than his caretaker role.

I wish there was something that I could do for you and for him, he seems to have a lot on his plate. I will be praying for your physical healing and for the healing that will take place in your marriage.

God is good and he is faithful. (hugs)

[msgijo]

Lisa, this makes me so sad too.

And this on top of everything else that you have been thru recently is simply too much. I have no words of wisdom for you.

Yeah this crappy disease takes its toll on everyone, but like you said we never asked for it. Maybe he is going through more / new crap at work, but even so that is no reason to dump on you! Granted we are not who we once were but we try.

Please know that we here are feeling sad about this too. Wish there were anything I could do for you right now.

[pennstater]

Lisa,

I am so sorry to hear this. I can only imagine the stress you are both under.

Being a caretaker does take a toll and changes the balance in a relationship. Neither of you invited MS into your lives, it came anyway.

One of the things they always champion for the caretaker is to make sure to take breaks and get some down time to do something he enjoys. Does your husband ever do this? I know it is not fair as you never get a break from MS. But maybe he needs some breaks.

I do think counseling would be wise. Is there any chance you could get a little help with cleaning and/cooking while you recover?

I wish I could give you a hug. You have so much to deal with.

[Jules A]

One of the things they always champion for the caretaker is to make sure to take breaks and get some down time to do something he enjoys. Does your husband ever do this? I know it is not fair as you never get a break from MS. But maybe he needs some breaks.

I do think counseling would be wise. Is there any chance you could get a little help with cleaning and/cooking while you recover?

Excellent advice. I'm also sorry you are having to deal with this on top of MS. It is rotten and unfair.

Since your husband was honest about not being willing and/or able to care for you perhaps now is the time to make additional arrangements for assistance such as having someone come in and clean for you both as well as having staff available on a daily basis if that is what you require now?

To be honest as a provider there is no way I could or would be willing to do it both professionally and on a personal level either so I can understand his point and appreciate that he was brave enough to be honest with you rather than just pulling away or being unkind.

If my husband requires ADL assistance before I do we will bring in help or he will have to go to a facility that is able to effectively care for his needs...same for me also. We know our limitations and are prepared to make the difficult choices if needed. The truth is this is something most every couple will face if they live long enough, it just sucks that we are forced to deal with it 20+ years before expected.

[Marco]

Too often, this disease overwhelms us and our spouse with it. We are unable to walk away from ourselves, but they are. Fortunately, he's still there even in a checked-out mode. It takes time to get to this point and it will take time to get out of this place, but it can happen. Someone once made an analogy between a marriage and a bank account. You make deposits and withdraws and if you don't make enough deposits there won't be anything left to withdraw. I hope and pray things work out for both of you.

[hunterd]

Lisa, I am so sorry for this. I am going through exactly the same thing so I can understand how you feel. There have been many nights I have fallen asleep on a tear soaked pillow. Any time you want to chat you have my phone number.
Your husband has a very overwhelming job, could he just have been so overwhelmed at that moment that he lashed out at whomever was close ( it just happened to be you)?
I would look into couples counseling, whomever is offering it. Sometimes it just helps to get everything out in the open and away from you. Maybe he just needs a little "downtime".

[Waydwnsouth1]

Lisa I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I know my DW will lash out at me some time but I understand the stress and pressures of her job, my MS and the off on financial struggles we have due to my MS gets to her. She is worries a lot and doesn't handle stress well. Perhaps your husband is going through some of the same problems or maybe he just had one of those days at work.

Tonight I will be the caregiver because my DW woke up with a major migraine. I don't sleep well when she has those because I have found her sprawled out on the bathroom floor at times. So I will have to turn off my MS as best I can and take care of her. It's a 50-50 proposition. I think your husband understands that. Maybe a counselor will be able to help you guys out. Help him understand you didn't ask for this disease and he fell in love with YOU the woman he married. The things he loved about you are still there you just have MS that's all. I make light of it but that is the only difference. He needs to remember that.

I will keep you guys in my prayers and wish you the best.

Sincerely,
South

[LucieB]

Oh Lisa, Please Hang in there!!!

Gosh! I wish I could give you a hug right now!! Yup, MS Sucks! Every little bit of it! I had to let go of my medical career because of this disease! Yes, it is hard for any care taker, but triply hard on the one who is actually sick!! Please hang in there ok?
Sending you hugs from Stockholm Sweden!

[Seasha]

And sending you (((((HUGS))))) from across the country, dear Lisa. I also hope your husband will consider counseling. I have mentioned this to mine as well in the past. He refused, but going to one myself helped! I hope things can be ironed out.

Hang in there my friend~

[sardi_g]

So sad to read this. I'm not much help on the relationship front but I do hope things get better and am sending a big hug and many comforting thoughts your way.

Sard

[RingpOP]

Tonight my husband told me he didn't love me anymore. He just felt like a caretaker and he didn't want to take care of patients at work and then come home, cook, clean it up (mind you I just had another surgery or I would be doing these things). I called him selfish and now he won't forgive me, says I am lying. I didn't ask for this disease and don't understand where this is coming from. He says he is just to swamped with work to deal with me.

If it were him, I would take care of him. In fact when he had his parathyroid out I took care of hime for 6 months because his calcium was all over the place, he couldn't remember anything, needed me to do almost everything for him. I just can't get up right now. I have someone to care for me three days per week. So he was supposed to take time off and be with me the other two days, plus the weekends (if he is on call I get someone else to stay with me).

I understand how hard it can be to take care of people at home and at work. I did it several years when one of my grandparents was very sick and died.

I HATE THIS STUPID DISEASE- EVERY LITTLE PART OF IT!!!!!

Thanks for letting me vent.

Lisa

I am so sorry to hear about this. I can't believe he said that... I mean - It's not like YOU can control what's going on w/ your disease... and you recovery from surgery isn't a PERMANENT thing. That's just ridiculous. You would do it for him - and it has shown that you DID do it for him, he just isn't taking that into account.

We're always here for you girl. Stay strong... xoxo

[Kimba22]

HHi Lisa,

I'm sorry to hear you had yet another surgery. I'm also very sorry your husband said that. You have been through sooo very much lately.

It can be draining on our loved ones, too, no matter how much they may want to be there for us. If your husband is being stressed out at work, that can't be helping. I would assume that's also making him feel overwhelmed right now. But, that still shouldn't be an excuse (for anyone) to say such hurtful words, especially to someone who has been going through all you have.

Of course there are exceptions to this, but I think in general, more woman than men willingly take on the role of caretaker. (Unfortunately, my husband's not really one of them.) It does seems like a role you'd take on wholeheartedly, not only because you were a nurse, but because you've already shown him that you would!

Maybe more help with household work and/ or a few more hours of help from an outside caretaker will give him a little more time to recharge his batteries right now? (But it would be nice if someone could take away your MS so you could recharge yours ... you so deserve that!!). Maybe that will also help him be more open to counselling, if he feels that's not just another thing he has to do.

I wish I had some wise words to share with you. Please just know I care.

(((Hugs))),