When is it time to give up?

[kittysmith]

I am lonely. I have no friends to speak of. I feel isolated. No one wants to be around me anymore. I acutally had a "friend" drop me yesterday. She told me my problems were too much for her to handle. I have been in a downward spiral for months. I just find my self not caring anymore. I just want my life to be over. I want to go to bed and not ever have to get up again.

Yes I am in counseling. Yes, I am on psych meds. No, I don't have a plan.

[lynng1776]

no time to give up

kittysmith, i have been in your situation and kinda still am. I was diagnosed in 1991. My sister was there for me during my 3 month hospital stay and a few months later she was there for me during the year and a half hospital stay i had in a psych ward because of depression, grief, etc. and then she was gone. I haven't seen her since 1994, because it was too much for her. I live a very lonely and isolated life, but for some reason i just keep going. You are not alone.

[Marie12]

Don't give up yet, you all can still help me

I know it's not the same as having someone in the room to talk to, but I am here. And even if my blood pressure is now low, etc., don't give up on me.

[kittysmith]

Thank You

I feel so alone in this fight. No one understands the toll it not only takes on our bodies, but on our minds. My emotions are uncontrollable. I cry all the time. I am angry. I tell people my true feelings and it scares them away. I have never felt so alone in my life.

[MermaidOP]

Dear kittysmith,
I am so sorry to read of your sadness and discouragement. I know one place, however, that you can talk to people who will understand - the Chat Room here on MSWorld. I am there a lot, as "Mermaid Susan" and know that we all have been where you are now. Come often enough, you will find some chatters who are "kindred spirits." I think it is a kind of friendship.

Another great comfort for me is my daily workout in the pool. The environment of the water distracts me from my limitations. The exercise uplifts my mood. I've met people there, but the main benefit is just going to a new place and getting out of my own way emotionally.

Take courage. Don't give up.
Stay lifted,
Mermaid

[Temagami]

Kitty,
You matter. I think it helps to have a go to list for diversions when the loneliness hits- stream a movie, read a book, read a magazine, try a new recipe, listen to music, sing a song- something to get your mind in a different place. Can you get out and about? Does your local area have meet ups?

When I am in the emotional trough, I make a crocheted crown for someone undergoing chemo- got a collection to wash and send to the children´s hospital- the pile is kind of a real life graph of the stops and starts of feeling low. Even if you cannot make something, can you take photos and make cards- blank ones- to send to military personnel serving overseas to send to their families?

Even people I consider friends have made some remarkably insensitive remarks since the MS diagnosis. They just don´t get it- they base their knowledge on misunderstandings or one other person they know with the disease. I try to cut ´em slack for their ignorance. You know that if your situations were reversed, they would be freaking out. Maybe we´re all to calm and dealing so well that people just don´t get how flippin scary it all is. That said- there is still so much that you have not yet experienced and there are many joyful surprises that await around the corner. I will never forget that right after 9-11, I looked up into the sky and saw a Canada goose do a barrel roll in mid-flight- just for the fun of it. I was so grateful in that moment and have never seen it happen again. I´ll keep looking up when they fly over though.

Cyberhug sent your way,
FTT

[Thinkimjob]

I'm sorry life is so hard at the moment. Old friends seem to find it really difficult. Maybe they just don't want the responsibility, and they are the ones to whom we bare our souls.

It is probably pretty hard for them, too.
They can't fix the problem.

I've found people who've known me for years seem to be a bit scared, and don't want to get too involved.

Strangers, on the other hand, are remarkably kind and helpful, probably because after our two minute encounter is over, they don't have to worry about me anymore, and they can feel good about their good deed for the day.

No one who is healthy can begin to understand just how hard it is to have MS. But we do, here at MS World.
I hope you start feeling better.

[Evolvn916]

KittySmith,

My heart goes out to you. I have been where you are today. My faith got me through those dark days/nights. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. I still pray faithfully and ask God for strength, guidance. One thing for sure, he is always there and I am never alone. I can always pray.

I just wrote a post on the issue of "friends" yesterday. I was having a moment. As a matter of fact, several things were bugging me yesterday.

As I sit here today! I think I will proactively reach out to those people who I really miss. I will focus the conversation on them. It's not a good idea to talk about how I really feel. They don't understand and can't fix it. So, I will keep the conversation light and laugh a lot to get my mind off of how I feel. This might work for you too!

Just know that you have an awesome village of friends here for you! And we CAN relate to you how you feel. Please don't give up. You are not alone!

[Seasha]

Oh kitty - so many of us feel your emotional pain. I think most of us have felt what you're feeling and been in your shoes when it comes to having friends fly away. I know I have and it hurts big time.

It's OK to cry all you want right now - it gets the sadness out so there is room for something lighter to fill up the space.

Are you able to get out of the house - take walks or wheel around? When I am feeling blue, being outside and taking deep breaths helps lift the weight of the world for me.

Have you ever been to an MS Support group? You might try connecting using this if you are interested: http://www.nationalmssociety.org/Res...t/Find-Support

Scroll down to Join a Local Support Group. Type in your zip code and it will let you know what groups are in your area. These support groups will give you the opportunity to connect face to face with others and make some new friends who understand! I have gone and made a couple good friends there myself.

Just remember, you have us too
We care

[nes]

first, i want to say that i do not have ms, but i can relate to your feelings of misery and isolation. i grew up in a physically abusive home and threw my heart/hopes into the future. i thought going away to school would solve all my problems, but i was lonely and depressed at college as i felt i didn't fit in...maybe i was too mature growing up as the oldest and feeling hyper-responsible for my siblings and mother. in my final year of college, i met my partner and i felt like i was floating around in bliss. it was the happiest time of my life.

we graduated and it seemed serendipitous that we both landed fantastic jobs just miles apart. i moved first and then she moved. we were so happy building our little life together. then weeks after moving (and only months after graduating), she was admitted to the hospital for an abnormal ct scan. she was hooked up to all kinds of iv meds, talk of brain biopsies, and possible death. she was delusional, not recognizing me, the room, and having no clue who she was. they eventually diagnosed her with ms and said she had a very atypical aggressive presentation.

i stuck by her, because i love her more than anything and together we initially felt invincible. i gave her home-health care administered infusions as directed by the nurse when she relapsed, supported her when she stopped being able to work, assisted in filing all the ssdi paperwork three times, sat in numerous hospitals for years.....went broke, practically had a nervous break-down due to stress and watched my own prestigious career dissipate. i have looked at a beautiful fall day in new england and thought....what does this world have to offer...i'm so tired.

i spent my childhood being an adult and then my 20s doing what most do in their geriatric years. adult diapers, toilet assist devices, canes, wheelchairs, soiled linens. it did alienate me from friends who said they could never do what i did. my weakness is ocd and last year, at 35, i became almost unable to leave the house. every last thing including my own self seemed incredibly contaminated to me.

i hit rock bottom. made the hard decision that my partner would temporarily stay with family and i sought out intensive treatment. i started to slowly come back to life. and i realized something....in all that time that the world was closing in on me, i held in so much anger. i tried to see the positive and i knew i was still better off than half the world, but life seemed so unfair that it became unbearable.

the thing is and something i try to focus on....people in general like to feel good. naturally, i think most turn away from situations that are intense and filled mostly with complaints. i try to be conscious of that....i always was, but now i'm in a slightly better place to vent, but then share good things and make sure friends/family have plenty of time to share their own stories. i also try not to judge or keep score of my woes versus that of another, because making people feel their problems fall short of yours, can make it hard to get or remain close.

you seem like you've been struggling for a while. i saw many therapists...personally cognitive behavioral therapy worked best for me. not meds for depression, not chatting with a social worker/psychologist, but having to systematically change behavior patterns. to get out of my house. to become flexible. to make sure i was taking time to relax and do fun things. and also facing my fears and the things that caused me so much anger. i'm a work in progress but much better.

i also think as someone else mentioned that volunteering can be great...whether you leave your home or not. whether you host people in your home. whatever. it gets you involved, but is about someone else. sometimes giving your time can be extremely rewarding and open up new doors to relationships.

good luck. i'll be thinking of you.

and not to be redundant as i post about it all the time, but you seem young....you might browse my profile for info about the procedure my partner had done. it did wonders for her quality of life. but even if your ms doesn't improve or if it gets worse, there is still hope. it seems impossible when you are very depressed and angry, but it is true.

[DianeD]

One thing at a time

I don't know the extent of your MS. Are you mobile? Do you have a neurologist? I wonder why your doctor is not being proactive?

You say you are on psych drugs. That type of drug can be a problem. Do you actually mean psych drugs or anti depressants.

I am the type of person who doesn't mind being quiet or even alone. I do have the help and understanding of my husband and family which means a lot. Do you have family?

I suggest that you start slowly. Try doing one thing at a time, nothing major. Try to think of little things that make your life better; surely there is something. Have you thought of a pet? Pets often are wonderful companions and are often a conduit to the making of friends.

Are you young? I would think being young would make having MS tougher. If your friends have truly deserted you then they must not have been worthy friends.

Is there a chapter of the MS society near you? I would look it up on-line and see what they offer.

Please keep us up to date on how you are doing. People here at MS care. We all share in this disease and how it affects our lives.

Diane

[lstrl]

I feel like I could have written pretty much the same exact post. It's hard when the people who are supposed to be there for you just walk out of your life like it's no big deal. I've had people do this to me even when I don't talk to them about the MS. It's like just having the diagnosis makes me damaged goods or something and they have to stay far away so they don't catch it.

I wish I had some advice for you, but I'm still trying to figure this out for myself. It sucks when you get to the point where you just don't care anymore. I find that pretty much the only time while awake that I don't feel like that is when I'm with my pets. They don't judge, no matter what happens. Sadly, they're about the only ones.

[Thinkimjob]

I think people are frightened, because there is no end in sight with MS. I don't take it personally, anymore, although it hurts.

MS is not going to get much better, whereas breast cancer etc, support the patient, and quite often everything turns out all right, eventually.

I've had this sucker for 18 years, and things only went badly south about four years ago. Honestly, I'm quite proud of myself, for still being here.

We're here, Kitty, and we care.

[KatieAgain]

KittySmith

I seriously feel your pain. That saying MS stands for "Mighty Strong." It is so true. And it is lonely...even if you are surrounded by friends and loved ones.

I don't know what your physical limitations are so I don't know what to recommend. But even reading some good books, watching some good movies and eating some great food can lift ones spirit.

Come up with a plan on how to effectively live your life with the cards you have been dealt. I tell people I was dealt 4 jokers and an Ace...and I have learned how to use that single Ace as often as I can.

What is your Ace KittySmith?

[kittysmith]

I appreciate the sentiments....

While I do appreciate all of you sharing your stories, I still have zero hope. I am not young. I am 47. I have a husband and a child with autism who is 8.

I have been the breadwinner for the past 19 years with my husband. He's been in school and has had his own health problems. Even when he wasn't in school, I have supported him. He is finally finishing his masters and hopefully will get a job that pays enough so I can go part time.

I am bitter and tired. I am sick of giving so much of myself to others and getting nothing in return. I have panic attacks all day long. Nothing stops them anymore. I stopped driving because of panic more than a decade ago. Since I have had optic neuritis so many times, I cannot see well out of my right eye. I don't feel safe behind the wheel.

My husband is going out of town in December for 6 days. I am left to care for my child and have no friends or family to call on. I just wish someone would come visit or ask how I am doing. I reach out to people all the time and get nothing. I am the sounding board for everyone else's issues, but no one wants to tackle mine.

I get it. I am annoying. No one enjoys my company. I have a disease. I have mental illness. I have a child with special needs. No one wants to get involved. I cry every day, several times a day. Crying doesn't help.

I am on anti depressants. I have had panic attacks all my life. And now, they are worse than they have ever been. I hate being alone. Chat boards don't make me feel any better. I have looked at our MS chapter's boards. They have nothing planned until January. The Autism Society doesn't have any groups I can join. Even if I find something, I would have to have my husband take me or find someone to pick me up.

There is nothing anyone can say to convince me that I am not a burden and a big disappointment. I hate who I am, who I have become. I can't stand to even hear myself talk. I have been to numerous therapists and psychiatrists, even a partial outpatient treatment center. I have been on different meds to try to control it, but nothing works. I refuse to be put in a psych hospital. That would truly be the end of me.

I used to make jewlery. I used to crochete. I used to paint, draw. I used to be creative. Now, I don't care about doing any of those things. I do read and watch stuff on Netflix, but it doesn't take away my fears or easy my worries for even a minute.

I have no interest in growing old, watching all my family and friends die around me. I don't want to be sicker. I don't want to be in a rest home.

I am genuinely happy for those who can take a walk (I cannot due to spacticity in my leg) or have a pool they can swim in or step outside and take deep breaths and can feel the benefits. It must be wonderful to have ways to calm down like that. I wish those things worked for me, but they don't.

Thanks again for the feedback.