SOME ADVICE

[diguilio]

I AM THINKING ABOUT SENDING MY DAUGHTER THIS LETTER AND I NEED SOME OPINION.....

ISABELLA I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU AND EVERYTHING THAT HAVE ACCOMPLISH. I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW HOW I AM FEELING.

I'M VERY FRUSTRATED WITH MYSELF AND I FEEL THAT I AM JUMPING ON YOU AND THAT IS NOT FAIR. MY MS HAS TAKEN OVER MY LIFE. I WISH THAT WE COULD BE CLOSE LIKE WE USE TO BE. I MISS HOW WE USE TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING. I MISS GOING OUT WITH YOU. I WISH I COULD BE MORE INVOLVED IN YOUR LIFE BUT IT IS AGAIN MY MS. IT HAS RUINED MY LIFE AND I FEEL IT HAS DESTROYED OUR RELATIONSHIP. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

The hard part about this is that MS doesn’t necessarily show on the outside as many of you know. This is where our favorite phrase comes in, “But you don’t look sick”. To which I’d like to respond with yea, but you haven’t seen my insides. Its difficult to have an invisible illness because its hard for others to take your illness seriously when they can’t see it, or touch it. They have to go based on what you’re telling them, which goes against what they see. Seeing is believing for most of us. This is one of the most common gripes that we all have is that people just don’t understand us, they don’t get what our sickness is like, they think we’re faking, ect. Sometimes don’t you just wish that you could wear your MS in a way that people could see what it feels like to live with it?

[SNOOPY]

If I may make a suggestion?

By what you have written it appears your sadness and concern is about your relationship with your daughter.

It's okay to let her know your feelings, she would probably like to know. However, you might try doing this without the mention of MS. At some point MS will probably need to be discussed, just not initially.

You might also consider asking her how she is feeling, how she is doing, what does she think/feel could help in reconnecting and moving forward in your relationship.

Telling her you are sorry for (insert) is always nice to hear. But, please simply say "I am sorry" without making excuses. This can be difficult but the other person will appreciate it your apology more.

It's important for those in your life to know they are important and considering their feelings and thoughts can make them feel loved and cared about.

Very nice start, diguilio

Take your time and re-write as many times as you need until you feel your letter says what you would like it to say.

[Seasha]

You might also consider asking her how she is feeling, how she is doing, what does she think/feel could help in reconnecting and moving forward in your relationship.

Telling her you are sorry for (insert) is always nice to hear. But, please simply say "I am sorry" without making excuses. This can be difficult but the other person will appreciate it your apology more.

This is very good advice! You might add something about remembering how you used to (fill in the blanks) and how happy you both were doing just that? Ask her what might be fun or meaningful to do together now to move forward in reconnecting and repairing?

Make it about her and not about you and MS. I understand as my daughter doesn't necessarily want to hear about my MS much of the time. Maybe this is the same for your daughter?

You might want to think about what you'd like to hear from your mother if this was reversed. Put yourself in her shoes, in other words.

Of course, these are only suggestions, diguilio. I'm sure you will speak from your heart

My best to you and take care!

[Cat Mom]

I'm not being critical but since you asked...

I actually liked what you wrote AFTER what you plan on giving to your daughter (not included in the quotation marks).

It sounds real and genuine. If I didn't have MS, it would help me to understand the frustrations of living with it.

Please keep us posted, this sounds uber-important to you, and rightly so.

Jen

[diguilio]

more advice please

ISABELLA I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU AND EVERYTHING THAT HAVE ACCOMPLISH. I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW HOW I AM FEELING.

I'M VERY FRUSTRATED WITH MYSELF AND I FEEL THAT I AM JUMPING ON YOU AND THAT IS NOT FAIR. MY MS HAS TAKEN OVER MY LIFE. I WISH THAT WE COULD BE CLOSE LIKE WE USE TO BE. I MISS HOW WE USE TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING. I MISS GOING OUT WITH YOU. I WISH I COULD BE MORE INVOLVED IN YOUR LIFE BUT IT IS AGAIN MY MS. IT HAS RUINED MY LIFE AND I FEEL IT HAS DESTROYED OUR RELATIONSHIP. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

THE HARD PART ABOUT THIS IS THAT MS DOESN'T NECESSARILY SHOW ON THE OUTSIDE AS PEOPLE KNOW. IT IS DIFFICULT TO HAVE AN INVISIBLE ILLNESS SERIOUS BECAUSE IT IS HARD FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO TAKE YOUR ILLNESS SERIOUSLY WHEN THAT CAN'T SEE IT, OR TOUCH IT. MOST PEOPLE GO HAVE TO GO BASED ON WHAT THEY KNOW, WHICH IS GOES AGAINST WHAT THEY SEE. SEEING IS FOR BELIEVING FOR MOST PEOPLE. MOST PEOPLE LIVE BY WHAT THEY SEE AND NOT WHAT IS HURTING US. SOMETIMES I WISH THAT I COULD WEAR MY MS SO PEOPLE COULD UNDERSTAND CAN SEE WHAT IT IS LIKE.

[pennstater]

I kind of think along the lines of Snoopy. As an initial reach out, letting her know what you miss and want to be close again without mentioning the MS. When the dialogue is opened more, then it may be more effective to bring up the MS. Maybe at the that point, you could both talk about MS, see if she is willing to work with you on the relationship by suggesting you both get educated together on MS and how invisible symptoms affect someone and how to help manage these symptoms as a team.

She has to be willing to work on it with you and I am afraid that if the MS is brought up right away, she will react as "nothing is going to change, what's the point". Especially if she us younger and is at the age where you feel invincible.

Good luck whichever approach you take.

[KatieAgain]

I have read through some of your other posts. One of which I responded to in regards to your parents.

I personally think the best thing that you could do is to seek out some professional help. Writing all these letters to your loved ones is sad. You are missing something and you need to find out what it is.

Fix yourself first...then repair your relationships. You will need the assistance of a professional to do this.

[Jules A]

I'm not being critical but since you asked...

I actually liked what you wrote AFTER what you plan on giving to your daughter (not included in the quotation marks).

It sounds real and genuine. If I didn't have MS, it would help me to understand the frustrations of living with it.

Please keep us posted, this sounds uber-important to you, and rightly so.

Jen

I love reading the different perspectives here! My first thought when I read the second draft was the exact opposite of Jen's. It sounds mighty melodramatic as if you are trying to deflect your part in whatever is causing the discord in your relationship and blaming it on people not understanding how bad you feel.

The truth is no one really wants to hear about our health woes especially not our children, even if they are adults, imo.

Personally I thought stopping at the first two and tweaking it so it doesn't sound so much like you are helpless in all this would be my preference. Although you are the victim when it comes to the ravages of MS that doesn't negate your behavior and ability to continue to remain positive especially in the company of your children.

Please come here to grieve, vent and commiserate but make every attempt to leave your issues at the door when you are with your children. If you are positive and pleasant to be around, even if you can't do the physical activities with them any more, I guarantee they will want to spend more time with you because it will be enjoyable. You are the parent it should be about your daughter's life adventures, victories and struggles, not yours.

I agree 100% with KatieAgain that a therapist would likely be a wonderful resource to assist you to work through these issues while preserving or reconnecting the mother:daughter relationship.

[DonnaD]

How old is your daughter? Do you mind telling a little more of the situation? How long have you felt this distance between you? What isn't she getting from you? Personally, I don't like the idea of a letter. You have to talk to her. But, how old is she?

[golfore]

I think KatieAgain is spot on.

You didn't say what problems your MS is causing you. I have had MS for over 20 years. Until a recent spinal cord injury, my MS was not only invisible to everyone, but it was very manageable for me.

After I was dx'd I saw a therapist several times. It was a great help to me as I learned to deal with what I thought was going to be a life in a wheel chair.

Good luck!!!

[diguilio]

some advice

How old is your daughter? Do you mind telling a little more of the situation? How long have you felt this distance between you? What isn't she getting from you? Personally, I don't like the idea of a letter. You have to talk to her. But, how old is she?

MY DAUGHTER IS 18 GOING ON 19. I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE IS GETTING AND NOT GETTING....I GUESS I NEED TO FIGURE ALL THIS OUT

[Temagami]

Whatever you decide, please be aware that writing in all capital letters is the text version of yelling. Your plan might backfire if you use all caps.

I don´t think that most kids that age are able to put themselves in your shoes. She still wants a mom who looks out for her- not a mom that she looks out for- not realistic, but probably the mode she is operating under.

[DonnaD]

MY DAUGHTER IS 18 GOING ON 19. I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE IS GETTING AND NOT GETTING....I GUESS I NEED TO FIGURE ALL THIS OUT

Oh, she's 18 (not really a teen). Did she finish HS? Do you have other kids? How long has it been like this? How handicapped are you?

You don't have to answer about you but I'll tell you about a letter I wrote to my son. He's 17 (11th grade) and has been very "closed" since he's about 6. I don't think it was originally related to my MS but it made it harder to get closer after.

I did write him a letter but I had a very good opportunity. He went on a Holocaust trip to Poland which was very emotional and the parents were supposed to send letters for their kids to read (to themselves). So it was a good opportunity when he was away from me for a few days and actually acting mature with his friends.

My letter was mostly about how hard it always was to talk to him but now we are so proud of the young man he is becoming, and how much I always loved him and always would. It was pretty long and let him know that I'm so proud of all his accomplishments and that I notice that he works hard (I exaggerated). When he came back, he gave me a little hug (that was major for him).

We never discussed the letter or anything else like that again but I know he read it and accepted it and now I can comment and suggest on his life and I know he takes it as love and not criticism. It did open up our relationship. But I never discussed my MS and my needs. I talked about him and my love for him.

So that was the letter I wrote. I guess agree with Temagami (above) (also about the caps)

[SNOOPY]

Just an FYI to those commenting on using caps:

It is common for caps to be used in chat. If a member mainly uses chat it is not uncommon to see caps in their posts in the forums.

DonnaD
Personally, I don't like the idea of a letter. You have to talk to her.

Many people have an easier time expressing themselves with the written word rather than verbally. I see nothing wrong with diguilio writing a letter to his/her daughter.

diguilio, sometimes getting an opinion of something is good, sometimes too many opinions can make the situation feel overwhelming or more confusing.

Write what you feel is in your heart and with love. Don't worry about the rest

I also like the recommendation for Psychotherapy to help you in this difficult time. You can also do some family therapy which might help you and your daughter.

[diguilio]

DONNA D

THANK YOU FOR ALL THE ADVICE....YES SHE GRADUATED LAST YEAR AND IS IN A COLLEGE....NO I DON'T HAVE ANY MORE CHILDREN, A COUPLE YEARS.....I HAVE SECONDARY MS.....I CAN BEARLY WALK.....