About to give up.

[kittysmith]

I have suffered with panic attacks and severe anxiety my whole life. I was diagnosed with MS in 2008. Since beginning treatment, my anxiety seems to have been getting worse and worse. I've been angry with my husband and really not fair. I have talked openly with him about suicide...not because I want to, because I feel that all my issues are a burden to my family.

My husband and I have been together for 20 years. He finally told me last Thursday that he didn't know how much more he could take and talked of leaving me and taking our son. He feels that I have been pushing him away for years.

I know that the suicide talk is something my mother used to do to me as a child. She used that word to manipulate us into doing what she wanted. I promised myself I would never say the word, but I find myself increasingly desperate. Maybe I will get better for a while, but what about the next time my anxiety gets out of hand?

I always thought my spouse would be there for me no matter what. Now that I know there is a limit (and he is right about how I have been treating him), I cannot shake the fact that I could lose everything at any time.

I see a new therapist next Tuesday. I see a psychiatrist regularly. We are also going to start couples councelling. I know I am on the right track, but I cannot seem to get my anxiety under control. We have tried different meds. Hopefully seeing a counselor again will help.

How do I get past the anxiety of thinking he's going to leave me? He says as long as I am getting help, he'll be there. I am getting help, but I still don't feel like I'm doing enough.

I don't have a plan. I have never attempted suicide. I know I won't do it. I just really regret saying it to him so many times that he is scared of me, and rightfully so. He can't know that it is just the empty talk of a desperate woman.

Has anyone else had increased anxiety after diagnosis? How did you deal with it?

[Chowda]

Yes, my doctor believes it caused me shortness of breath, but that started before dx.
Before and after things having to do with my MS I also had shallow breathing.

But like my symptoms, it's gotten much better, but not gone.
I do have a history of depression and anxiety, had bouts with depression after dx. Anxiety caused insomnia. Insomnia for 13+ years now.

I'm going to ask my neuro if my breathing is a CNS thing. It's coincided with my symptoms and severity. It actually was debilitating.

Who knooooooowwwss.

[Thinkimjob]

All right, you have the answer right there - he says he will not leave so long as you are getting help.
Everyone has their limit. Now you know his. You probably wanted to. As you know you know with your experience with your mother, "I'll kill myself if you do a, b, c," is a very hard thing to hear from someone you love.

You know it's manipulative and I'm guessing you kept pushing him until you found the point he says he'll leave.
No good worrying about that anymore.

You are doing all the right stuff, and he's doing it with you. He sounds like a good man. Chronic illness sort of wraps us in a bubble and it can be hard to remember that those people we love outside the bubble have feelings, lives and worries if their own.

If you even for a moment start to think about suicide for real, then ring Lifeline straightaway.

[Kimba22]

Anyone contemplating suicide, even if only for an instant, should call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 Professionals that can help are available 24/7. PLEASE call! It's free and 100% confidential

[AnneLouise]

I had/have anxiety but it's due to perimenopause. I had it before diagnosis. My gyno prescribed a compounded progesterone. It helped me so much. I take valerian root. It calms me. 303's at EarthTurns.com.

I understand how you feel. I think my husband would be better off without me and all my issues and my inability to do my share. But I know that he would be devastated if I took my own life. Why? Because he LOVES me. He would do anything for me. He told me so. My daughter would be devastated too. She helps me. Why? Because she loves me. Her husband helps me for he knows I'm important to her.

Your husband and son don't want to lose you. They LOVE you. Recognize that you are doing the same as your mother. Recognize that you and your husband are manipulating each other. Catch yourself thinking/talking about suicide. STOP it and replace it with "No, I'm not going to do this to myself. I am worth it. My husband and son deserve me."

Continue to see your therapist. Call a hotline to talk it out. It is hard. It takes a lot of practice and perseverance. You can do this. I'm rooting for you.