Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Hurt feelings - looking for advice

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Hurt feelings - looking for advice

    My husband works for a local real estate firm. Each year the company holds an awards ceremony. I just received the invitation for this year's event, which being held in a restaurant that is not accessible. A flight of stairs and no elevators. Last year, I managed to do the stairs (with a cane); however, I now use a walker.

    What really bothers me is that the owners of the company know me pretty well. The owners are 2 brothers and one is married to my husband's sister. In otherwords, they all know me, they see me semi-regularly and know my limitations. I don't feel right putting my husband in the position of pointing out that it is unthinking and hurtful to do events where I cannot attend. I know he'd like me to go, but he also isn't going to want to make a scene.

    Moreover, my husband's other sister had her annual Oscar party, which I also couldn't attend because she holds it in her basement where the TV is located. It's an annual tradition. I can at least understand that she has nowhere else to hold it in her house; however, I'm bothered by his family's inconsideration.

    I don't intend to try and attend my husband's awards ceremony. The passive-aggressive part of me doesn't want to go to any of their houses for any event. Not that they would notice or care. The adult part of me wants to say something, but I need help on how to not sound like a witch, because I'm ticked off at them.

    I don't even want to start about my husband's company holiday party.

    Advice?

    #2
    My ex- was far from a perfect husband, but I can honestly say he would not of allowed his family to treat me this way. He would have not gone to any function that did not include me.

    IMHO, your husband is the only person that can fix this...it's his family.

    I wish you the best.
    Katie
    "Yep, I have MS, and it does have Me!"
    "My MS is a Journey for One."
    Dx: 1999 DMDS: Avonex, Copaxone, Rebif, currently on Tysabri

    Comment


      #3
      I wish my wife was here because she'd have better advice and suggestions than I have.

      If something is going to be said it should be your husband that says it. He is the employee and the brother-in-law and you are his spouse. In other words, he is the person with standing and should be the person to bring up the subject. I do not believe it's worth you getting involved and potentially having a blow out with your husband's boss.

      It makes a tremendous amount of difference if this decision was intentional or unintentional. If it was unintentional your husband can simply explain that he will not be attending because his wife is unable to join him at the inaccessible restaurant. If it was intentional, I'd probably not say a word to the company and see if your husband may consider alternate employment. Why would your husband want to work for a company that was intentionally dismissive of his wife? If that's the case it's better that your husband have another job before saying a word. This protects your source of income until a reasonable alternative is available.

      I know you use a walker, but could you make it up the stairs with assistance this one time? Instead of a walker I often use two canes to provide bilateral support, but not have the bulky walker to deal with. I'm not asking you to lump it. I know I can do some things sporadically even if I pay for it later. I just don't know if you have this option and are too upset to try.

      I wish you well ...

      Comment


        #4
        BJG55, I'm so sorry for all of the events you've missed!

        I agree we previous posters, this is an issue that your husband needs to step up on and express his dissent. I hope he does.

        Comment


          #5
          I'm sorry. In cases like these it is important for you and your advocates (e.g., spouse, friends, etc.) to clearly make your needs known and without apology.

          Good luck and stay strong!

          Comment


            #6
            I don't know too much about assistive devices so I hope what I'm going to say isn't too stupid, but could you also talk to the restaurant? Could they put a piece of plywood over the stairs and stabilize it somehow? It is the law, and maybe you'd make things easier for someone else in the future.

            In college I was chatting with someone on the Internet and they came over for a visit. They didn't say that they were in a wheelchair, and I was in a 3rd floor walk up roach ranch rowhome. The neighbors saw our dilemma and actually carried him up the whole way, and we had a couple beers. I hope you can go even though these people are insensitive.

            Comment


              #7
              The people at your husband's company may know you, but really don't see how you struggle to get around and if a restaurant is not accessible, you're not going.

              People who live or have lived with someone who has difficulty walking seem to be more keen to accessibility. Someone who hasn't, well, they don't really know. They haven't experienced it. They have good intentions, but most are truly unaware. I've seen this in my own experiences. Some don't have a clue, while others seem to be top of it.

              Also, I hope your husband doesn't attend his sister's annual Oscar party, either. And she knows why.

              I agree that your husband needs to say something. Like how the two of you will not be attending and why. So, hopefully, when they plan the next gathering it will be at an accessible restaurant.

              Comment


                #8
                Katie, I am so sorry

                Katie, I m so sorry u have to deal with this crap. I won't go on and on, but I certainly know what you are dealing with. There is no excuse, NONE.

                I know of a MS society that held a certain event, that was only accessible with interior stairs. I am posting this, because come on, the leaders of this group don't understand either, come on, wake up.

                It is very unfortunate. But I'm now like you, I check out accessibility via bing, etc before I attend any events. And I don't go to any residences. Houses just aren't handicapped accessible. My husband gets upset with me because I am not always overly cautious when going though room entrances.

                & like I say, our former house is the one wich would have worked a lot better for me. This one has walls everywhere. Our previous home had a kitchen wich was open to the dining room wich was open to the living room. It wasn't a huge home, but all I had to do was have the furniture arranged differently, for large groups : )

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by dyin_myelin View Post
                  I don't know too much about assistive devices so I hope what I'm going to say isn't too stupid, but could you also talk to the restaurant? Could they put a piece of plywood over the stairs and stabilize it somehow? It is the law, and maybe you'd make things easier for someone else in the future.
                  No, that is way too much of an incline for a flight of stairs. I use a rollator and no way could I get up and down at that angle. It is dangerous and could be a liability issue for them if something were to happen.

                  ADA guidelines for ramps are:

                  Rise: The rise is the angle of ascent, and the ADA standards are for a slope of 1:12. This means that for every foot of ascent (or descent), the ramp has to be 12 feet long. For a front door that rises 3 feet above grade, the ramp must be 12 x 3, or 36 feet.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Originally posted by Marie12 View Post
                    I know of a MS society that held a certain event, that was only accessible with interior stairs. I am posting this, because come on, the leaders of this group don't understand either, come on, wake up.
                    That is shocking. Did anyone complain? I would have raised hell.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Mixed thoughts...

                      I am sorry that you are facing a delimma which is upsetting you so. It's unfortunate that you are being limited on events that are inaccessible due to your MS. I feel your pain, I recently attended an event where our seats were in nosebleed territory. I use a cane now but since my husband dropped me at the door I walked up by myself. Once I finally reached the top I was bent over (it didn't dawn on me to ask if an elevator was there!). But my point is we chose to attend. I like that idea that your husband declines the invite, explaining why...instead, you two go out to dinner on a date instead! Or rent a transport chair, contact the restaurant his event is at and ask if they have 2 strong young men to lift you up the stairs like EMTs would. I couldn't be upset that his company has chosen a venue that I can't get into. My High School holds an annual luncheon at a venue that has a huge parking lot bldg & enclosed walkway about 2-3 city blocks long. It is lots of walking to get to the banquet hall where that event is held. I decided not to attend last weekend because of my limitations, but I can't expect them to change the venue because of ME. I have come to grips that there are certain things I can no longer do. But I do a lot of other things when I can. I hope this wasn't offensive to you, that is not my intent, I'm truly trying to show this from a different perspective. Not a better one, just different. Best wishes for you.
                      Possible MS 1993, RRMS, Dx 2007, SPMS 2013. Avonex - Oct '07 - Jul '12, Gilenya - Sept '12 to May '13, Tecfidera - June '13 to present. You see things as they are and you ask why..I dream of things that never were and I ask 'Why Not?!'

                      Comment


                        #12
                        I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am in a wheelchair full time and had to accept there were some places I just couldn't go.

                        I agree with the person that stated that the people organizing the ceremony probably didn't even think about checking on accessability. I have a job at a small company and they had their annual xmas party. Well the year that I had become dependent on the wheelchair they put out the notice for the xmas party. Well it was at a restaurant with stairs, no elevater. I was a little hurt but I also didn't expect them to change things for me. A week or so before they asked if I was coming. I explained it wasn't accessable and I couldnt. The owner felt horrible, they never even thought about accessability. I ended up going and going up and down on my butt and a coworked took my chair down the stairs. The following year they changed the location.

                        As per your sister in laws Oscar party you, yourself said she didn't really have anywhere else to have it. So I can't see being upset with her. I don't ever expect friends or family not to follow through with traditions because I can't attend.

                        I do know that it sucks to feel left out. :-(

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Thanks for the advice

                          I appreciate everybody's thoughts. In talking to my DH last night, I don't think the oversight is intentional. Unthinking, yes, intentional, no. DH said that his boss turns it over to staff to set up.

                          When we were last at this particular restaurant, we asked if there was an elevator and there isn't one. It's an old building and under the ADA, the restaurant isn't required to be accessible. Public events, such as the MS society, are required under the ADA to be held in an accessible location.

                          Thanks, again for support and opinions.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Originally posted by divaonwheels View Post
                            I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am in a wheelchair full time and had to accept there were some places I just couldn't go.

                            I agree with the person that stated that the people organizing the ceremony probably didn't even think about checking on accessability. I have a job at a small company and they had their annual xmas party. Well the year that I had become dependent on the wheelchair they put out the notice for the xmas party. Well it was at a restaurant with stairs, no elevater. I was a little hurt but I also didn't expect them to change things for me. A week or so before they asked if I was coming. I explained it wasn't accessable and I couldnt. The owner felt horrible, they never even thought about accessability. I ended up going and going up and down on my butt and a coworked took my chair down the stairs. The following year they changed the location.

                            As per your sister in laws Oscar party you, yourself said she didn't really have anywhere else to have it. So I can't see being upset with her. I don't ever expect friends or family not to follow through with traditions because I can't attend.

                            I do know that it sucks to feel left out. :-(
                            Well written. I agree it is unlikely that this was a purposeful slight. Other people really just aren't that insightful or concerned with these kind of things. Lucky for them that they are blessed to remain unaware of the stuff we deal with on a daily basis.

                            Sadly there are going to be things that we aren't able to do based on our physical abilities. It is a fact of life we will have to deal with and I personally wouldn't want my husband to miss out on something he would enjoy because I either wasn't included or was unable to participate.
                            He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
                            Anonymous

                            Comment


                              #15
                              I don't think anyone was suggesting the OP ask for a change in venue if things are already booked, but to make it clear that these places are inaccessible to avoid this type of thing in the future.

                              It is all well and good to accept that there are things/places we will not be able to go to, but a little education goes a long way especially for future accomodations for everyone. If nothing is said, then the opportunity to educate is lost.

                              Do I expect people to consider accomodations for "just" me? No. I expect people to consider them for anyone.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X