Shunning - feel hopeless

[Jazz-TX]

thank you

I want to thank everyone for the prayers and advise. I'm still fighting major depression and still overwhelmed with being uncertain of my financial, taxes, and healthcare status. I also found out the hard way 2 days ago that I'm no longer a state employee as I was denied Temp disability without pay. I seem to get further distance from church right now, as I'm a member of a small congregation, and don't have a lot of resources there or no one has really reached out. My kids feel comfortable there.

I had just found out the hard way from one my kids since posting this thread. My son happened to see my ex wife kissing another man at a neighborhood party where they live couple weekends ago. While telling his sister and me, my daughter started crying which upset me more to know how it affected her. I thought I was over my ex wife and had no problem with her moving on or the fact of the day that I am replaced. We have all been divorced not even 7 months and were married for 17 years. I can see that I'm still not over my divorce and my love for her.

I even saw my counselor Wednesday. I'm sick of feeling hopeless. It seems I can only relate to other people right now with MS or that I have a disability. I have even enjoyed getting on the chat room here being able to open up and find out how others are coping with everyday life living with MS. I do have a good sense of humor and do like to laugh. It just seems that I'm struggling to do that lately. The local MS support groups that I have attended have also been nice, very small, but hardly anyone that is divorced currently or my age that can relate.

If anyone knows if this website or chat rooms have any men or women that have gone through the heartache of divorce, or currently divorce, having young children, and to cope with this disease of MS all together. Its very hard to relate to divorce singles whether if they are in church, friends, or just public in general if that don't have a disease such as MS. Is it also possible to create a chat room for anyone fighting divorce with MS.

This past week I have gotten out in attempt of moving on finding more information about volunteering in the community and I so want to be an advocate for MS or for other disabilities. I want to help others that have had their whole world ripped apart and that are having so much trouble trying to get assistance or needing help to overcome the major changes in their life.

Thank You again to everyone that have replied and that will continue too. I want to do the same for each of you. I know I need to move on and stop feeling sorry for myself.

God Bless,
Jazz from Texas

[Jazz-TX]

Confused need help

I have had things with my financial disability being appealed or being re-looked into be the retirement and disability company a huge stress relief and answered prayers.

My apology for things being addressed to me and not seeming to be having a positive outlook. I am really struggling so bad and have hit rock bottom. I am so tire of the physical, emotional, and spiritual pain with my MS in all of that.

I am not doing well with my divorce. I have shut down since last night taking my kids back home to my ex wife. I got to experience meeting my ex's new boy friend since my last post and was shocked to see how much he resembles me. From facial hair to physical appearance. I have realized as quick and recent divorce that she wanted along with my recent diagnosis that she is replacing me as a father with identical me when I was healthy.

I can't relate to anyone. It's Easter weekend and had plans going to church with my kids. Folks, this is horrible to say. I don't want to see my kids just so that I'm not around this destruction heartache. I love my kids with all my heart and have always been there and a great father to them. The stress from all of this is truly killing my body!

Calling out for mercy and help! I know there is someone on here or somewhere with my MS that has struggled far worse than what I have recently gone through. Is there anyone on here reading this or someone you may know that you can reach out to that can relate with me? It would be great to discuss any of this. My self esteem is so destroyed and don't even know what reality is.

[Denise Marie]

Reaching out

Dear Jazz,

I don't know if this will help, but I know sometimes there is reassurance in knowing others are in similar circumstances...

I was diagnosed about three-weeks ago. I've been divorced 15-years; yes, in many ways it does get better, but there are times, (much like having MS) that it just zeroes in and hits HOME. My daughter is disabled and her father has chosen to not be a part of her life for the last 10-years. He lives locally. THAT is my raw pain. He remarried, had a child, and is now divorced (again). I don't doubt he's in another relationship already. He has time for everything else, especially his normal son, but nothing for my daughter-and yes, I consider her "my" daughter now. I thought his knowing about the MS would cause him to wake-up...no chance...silly me. He stopped contributing to her support long ago. This man still professes to be a Christian. We are seriously challenged and struggling. But we are generally happy and grounded in and through our faith.

I didn't tell this story to portray us a victims, but, to hopefully reassure you that you can and will persevere through this heartbreak. Your children will always need and love you-no matter WHAT. It may look a little different as they grow, but make no mistake, their love for you is unconditional. I hope you will not rob them of opportunities to show their love for you.I think it is a very good thing that you are reaching out through this forum. I also hope you will try to find some hope and renewal especially through this Easter weekend.

[Jazz-TX]

Denise,

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I'm also very sorry for you being newly diagnosed as I can't imagine what you are going through in all this right now. You are true blessing in your daughter's life as the same as she is in yours and in your words I can sense that.

No, I can't relate from the difficulties that you have experienced. Thank you for the encouragement and getting to look past the struggles that I'm going through. Please know that you and your daughter are in my prayers and sorry to hear the struggles and finances you are going through even now.

I have recently put my personal email address on my profile information. Please feel free to email if you would like if that would be easier to keep in touch to lean on each other for moral support. Main reason why I joined this website. Also this goes for anyone that would rather contact me by email if they would feel better to give advise or things that they have gone through for private consideration.

Thank you again Marie!

[dyin_myelin]

Denise. . .make him contribute to her support. You may never want to lay eyes on him again, but think of it as he is robbing from her, and she deserves as much financial support as his "normal" son. She deserves that emotionally too, in an ideal world.

[Denise Marie]

A matter of money😞

Dear D-Myelin,

Please know how much I value your thoughts and the passion behind them. Believe me, I lived in that mode for many years. I even worked in Family Law through that time. But after multiple attempts by him and his "trophy" wife dragging me to court to try to halt support payments because he had a new son-and LOSING every time (them)-I made a conscious decision that I'd expended enough precious energy and time on him/them. And that was BEFORE I had MS. He stopped sending support when she turned 18, even though the law clearly states that support does not terminate for a permanently disabled child. Yes, if I let it, it could consume me. But I can't, especially now. The time/energy/stress it would take to pursue him through the courts would likely be hugely detrimental to my health. He provides her medical insurance so she can have quality care beyond Medi-Cal. So I give thanks for that. And I swallow hard and walk away...

[Tia1]

Jazz, just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you. I can imagine how difficult it is to loose so much and how painful it is to see your wife moving on.

You get to move on as well, and you never know what or who this shuffling of your life will allow to enter into it. Let yourself feel, even when it hurts. You will heal and God willing be better for it.

Please let your church family know that you are hurting and in need. They can't help if the don't know what is needed.

Hang in there. I look forward to getting to know you.

[KatieAgain]

Jazz-I have gone through the same thing. Except my ex was not kissing just one gal. We were a Ken and Barbie too...living in our fantasy world.

It hurts...and there are no magic words that can take that pain away. It is the ultimate betrayal.

For months, I went to work and did little else...crying over a man that treated me like a POS once we found out I had MS. Crying over a man that would watch me fall down to the ground and just step over me and let me lay there. Crying over a man that had his pic posted on all the dating sites. Crying over a man whose suit case I would pack only to find out those business trips were actually sex escapes with one of his mistresses. I think you get the picture.

I was darned depressed. It took me close to a year. And finally...it was like a light bulb went off in my head...I had married a Schmuck! A sickening, vile Schmuck, who only cared about one thing...and it wasn't me...or his children. That thing about sickness and health and till death do us part apparently does not apply if I just so happened to get MS.

Thank goodness, divorces do not get finalized where we were living at until a one-year waiting period. My wonderful lawyer and I took that Schmuck to the Cleaners. The judge made him cry. I got a little satisfaction of the public humiliation he endured.

Shortly after that I became indifferent. Becoming indifferent is the goal you strive for. That was when I finally had some peace and I personally now enjoy being single...yep...even with MS. It's a choice...I have had opportunities to engage in other relationships where people accepted me MS and all.

Jazz-You married a Schmuck too. Don't idolize her...see her for what she is. She is simply your Children's Mother and nothing more. I would not give her credit for anything else...she does not deserve it.

Be responsible in regards to the kids. Don't talk bad about their Mom, just listen to their concerns if they have any and be non-judgemental. Take this time to be the best Dad in the World and make those two children your first priority.

And as far as your financial situation...if you are paying child support...if you can't work...I would readdress that with the Court. It's the 21st Century and Barbie can work two jobs. Working 16 hours a day does not leave much time for kissing strange men in front of young children.

One day you will become indifferent too. And I hope that day comes soon.

[ruthr923]

I completely understand...

I know exactly how you feel. I started getting sick several years before I was diagnosed with MS, I went through test after test, after test without knowing what was going on. My ex (married for 10 years) didn't even wait to find out what was wrong with me. He said he couldn't handle all the sickness and left. Come to find out he went back with an old girlfriend. He even moved in with her before the divorce was final (granted they are not together now) but it still hurt like crazy!!

No one expected us to get divorced. We were like the perfect couple and along with everyone else, I thought so too. We both had good jobs, the dream life, I was complete blindsided. We didn't have any children because he always gave an excuse about not it being the right time to try. So I blame him for missing out on that aspect of my life. Then I think, if we had had children together he would always be in my life due to the children. So I am sure those feelings you are having about spending time with your children and having to see your ex are completely normal. It just dreads up all those feelings over and over again for you.

It has been several years now since the divorce but we still live in the same community and now he has a very high profile job so I see him in the paper, etc and even though I thought I was over him, I still get those nagging feelings I can't explain. My life went through being turned upside down from a marriage standpoint. I thought at least I have my job (was a RN), friends, family. Now being diagnosed with MS since Oct 2011 I have lost my job, friends and some family and I am going through those feelings of loss and my life being turned upside again!!! Going through the divorce first and then being diagnosed with MS after, I'm grateful I didn't go through both of them at the same time.
I can't even imagine being hit with all of it at once!

I'm not sure grieving over a lost love like marriage, someone you committed to spend your life with, ever entirely goes away. You will probably harbor those feelings for a while. I can say try to hang in there and find things to keep you going but that wouldn't help. You have to go through those feelings of hurt, lose and everything else that goes with it. You do however have to find some strength somewhere to be able to endure and go through it, so you will be in my prayers to help you find that strength! My best wishes of peace and love to you.

[Jazz-TX]

thank you

Just wanted to pass out thanks to all the responses, prayers, and love from everyone. Not only the message boards and the chat room has been my home away from home. Even though I can't reach out and give anyone a hug a nice smile and tell you in person thank you! It still feels so real on here and truly sincere.

I'm still struggling with my financial situation and this new change life of my ex wife has gotten more difficult. The new recent boyfriend has gotten really serious with her now with him going to my kids baseball and softball games and staying the night in my kids home. My kids see him more than me each day since I have custody arrangements when I can see my kids.

I can't even express how I don't feel human anymore. Without this website, my local ms support group, my counselor, and the upcoming MS walk next Saturday; I would probably just throw in the white towel and say the hell with it and honestly end my life.

What little friends I have, family, and even members in my small church congregation they all do not understand. I recently been told that I need to tell my doctor that my ms meds are not working and to get off them. The reason they say that is because they know other people with MS and say that I should be better like them. I have also been questioned of my Christian faith that I'm not praying enough. I get sick of being judge because I should be better like the other person with MS. I don't know the whole story of what that person is going thru and MS effects us differently. I know if I could get my financial and over my ex wife trying to erase my existence even out of her and my kids life. She even told me the other day that my health will no longer run their life.

I loved the comment from Kattie that my ex wife is a Schmuck and I can totally agree to that and see it. I also loved that she needs to be referred to the mother of my children and I now have learned that is all she was during the 17 yrs I was married. The love that we had was not real from her to me like I thought. To leave a human being in a field to die is not human.

Last part of this long post, and sorry. Trying to get more of my chest. The stress in all of this has continued to effect my MS. I was told I fainted, I knew I fell, during my daughters softball game the other night. With the Texas heat warming up and being that I hadn't been feeling well and having to use my cane again, I was dehydrated and I haven't been eating well or sleeping. Being that I fell and out for a brief moment. I had a bad spasm attack with spasticity and tensing up. An ambulance was called and I taken to the ER. Not only after coming too and being in the ER, I was all alone, waiting for an uncle to come get me and take me home.

I have been hard on myself now finding out how bad this looked to my kids having to witness than in front of their friends. I don't want to ever embarrass my kids or they become ashamed of me. I wan't to live a glorious life and now doubt the life that God has intended me to live.

I have hit rock bottom and I'm on the Titanic with the bow and stern no longer on top of the sea; I'm barely floating in the water trying to not drown.

God Bless to all and my true love to each of you! My prayers to all for the struggles that each of us including our families that go thru this disease of MS!

[DianeD]

New reality

I think you have been through a lot, so don't misunderstand me. Having MS is a new kind of reality for most of us and like any chronic illness it puts a strain on relationships.

I might not have understood your original post, but was you divorce due to the MS or did it begin with other issues.

The best thing you can do is put your life with your wife into perspective. She has moved on and after a period of mourning so should you. I'd also recommend you don't 'mine' your children for information about your X. Remember this is pretty traumatic for them too.

I'm not insensitive or unsympathetic; I do think you have a lot happening in your life. It takes a while to accept a dx of MS, I know. You could try to keep your focus on optimizing your health situation and starting to think about how you can maximize your resources. It's time to think how best you can live on your new reality. Once you are settled on a place and a plan you will feel better.

There are many people here who have money concerns and they can share their resourcefulness.

Best of Luck; hang in there ...Diane

[Temagami]

Not sure which DMD you are taking but some can cause depression and even if youīre not on one of those, MS itself can cause depression. You need to inform your neurologist that you are having those feelings of desperation- itīd be hard to know if yours is situational only or also physiological. Either way, there are interventions that could help.

The pain of abandonment is excruciating and the cold heartless shark eyes of the person you loved so deeply is hard to fathom. I found solace in music- writing songs and playing guitar. I think that a creative outlet releases the pain without furthering self-damage. Nature is also healing. You need to concentrate your strength on winning the disability rights so that your financial worries abate.

It appears as if your exw is in the rush of lust and the kids are not at the forefront of her thinking. Likely this relationship will founder in time. Focus on your health, financial security and your kids. You donīt have the power or energy to focus on your ex.

Keeping a gratitude journal can help- even in the darkness, there is something to be grateful for- maybe you canīt see it, but you can feel or hear it.

[Jazz-TX]

[QUOTE=DianeD;1449881]
I might not have understood your original post, but was you divorce due to the MS or did it begin with other issues.

The best thing you can do is put your life with your wife into perspective. She has moved on and after a period of mourning so should you.

think about how you can maximize your resources. It's time to think how best you can live on your new reality. Once you are settled on a place and a plan you will feel better.

There are many people here who have money concerns and they can share their resourcefulness.
]

Diane,

My ex or what I should refer to as the mother of my children now. Her comments during the time we were married and during the time of MS specifically said she was not built to be a care giver. She also sent me a text recently saying that my health will not run their lives anymore. Did we not have struggles in our 17 marriage before, I will not deny that. Just as most americans still try to work out like we did, however after the MS dx other party went looking for the grass is greener on the others side. Also add that she had an affair when I was being tested for MS, and few months later I was DX. Maybe you can explain and clarify all of that to me better if this is called mourning for her.

I have officially only been divorced about 7 months. I have a 10 year old daughter and 8 yr old son. I do have a major concern specifically for the best interest of my kids for what they have gone through in all of this. If anyone should be in mourning they have. I'm sorry for the short time of the divorce my kids now half to see another man they don't even know everyday and staying overnight in their house. Is this good for them at this age? They see him more than me because of the restrictions of the custody arrangements and my ex wants this. I have been replaced.

Yes, I'm trying to get all of my situation from health insurance, disability aligned, child support the limbo in all of it. The problem is not much good resources out there on guiding me what to do next. I have even met with advocates that assist people with disabilities and they are stunned of my situation of the limbo.

I'm doing this all on my own trying to fix my situation that I didn't create. I don't have a family that can assist, my friends have turned away. My health is taking a huge blow from all of this divorce that I didn't create. My ex I have found out was rewarded some back pay with SSDI, however the attorney general office for my child support knows nothing about. All they know is telling me that she did receive child support from my former job paycheck this month after being let go. My ex took me to the cleaners in my divorce.

I can tell you this with me paying over $572 this month to have to payback to my state ERS health insurance since it is not provided anymore to me, add this isn't the cobra price yet. My child support. My disability came out way less than what first told. Once what savings that I have put up runs out. I will be living in the red. My rent in my small 1bed room apartment is going up. If things keep going the rate they are going I will not be able to afford a place of my own and I do not have any other family that I can rely on for a place to stay. I may wind up on the streets.

As far as me having MS, I have no problem telling anyone I have it or living with it. I do not like the struggles of trying to figure out how I'm going to survive now and how it interferes when my health is bad that I don't get to see my kids. So what is healthy about that for me or my children to not have the time we need to have a relationship? I have no one else assisting to help make sure that does not happening to not lose out my time with my kids. This goes back to the new man in my ex and kids new life that gets fill in my shoes of being the dad that I once was.

I am trying to move on and being involved with MS support groups our upcoming MS walk this Saturday. I might add the team I joined and our team name is Team Tobias meaning God is Good. We have already broken an all time team record for 80 members just for our team for this area. Our plan is to get into the hundreds to join our team and for the cause.

[DianeD]

Tough situation

I do think you are in a tough situation. I think you can see you are not alone.

I can't imagine a person like your wife saying she is 'not a care giver'. I've heard that before and I always think 'what if the shoe were on the other foot and the person who can't deal with being a caregiver, is now the person needing care'.
I guess some people live in the moment; don't really think much.

I got my dx at 50! Total surprise. I'm going to be 70 this year. My dx wasn't when the kids were little, thank goodness. I did have to become caregiver to my mom and dad when they became ill. Caregivers are special people; they give of themselves and some people can't do it.

I also respect how caregivers feel. They aren't sick, but they are often tired. My DH does a lot for me. I always say thank you. I really do appreciate him and what he does to help me. Early on my MS wasn't too much of an issue, but lately it is more difficult. I tell DH to do everything he wants to, even if I can't join in. We are retired and had some plans that haven't been able to be worked out. However, that's just life. I know that everyone has their burdens; we do the best we can.

It sounds like you are getting a handle on things. It does seem a rather quick transition for your wife to have someone in her life. If she doesn't talk to the kids about this, I hope you will. The kids are priority #1 and you should let them know you want to talk whenever they do. As the kids get older they will understand more.

Best of luck. Diane

[Echo2099]

Prayers for you

Jazz

I pray that God will ease your burdens, give you strength to endure, and increase your faith.

May the Holy Spirit give you some peace and encouragement!

Blessings to you!