Shunning - feel hopeless

[Jazz-TX]

I was diagnosed July 2012. Since than my world has been turned upside down same as all of you. I was in a 17 year marriage with two elementary age children. My ex wife wanted a divorce last July 2013 and she was granted primary custody of our children. Also she and I have worked for the same law enforcement agency for over 11 years.

My MS along with the stress of how everything has been ripped apart in the last 2 years has taken a major tole on me. It has caused issues with my job to the point that I'm considered a liability risk and unable to perform the job task and all the stress to go with the environment. I have ran out of time and now considered leave with out pay, but have payed into short term and long term disability.

However, it was confirmed today that my disability will be significantly lower going off my prior salary before my huge raise for my longevity with department after 10 years. The disability goes 60 to 66% of my salary, but was is so painful is that will it be multiplied by $10,000 less a year from my current salary. I missed out by not being able to work two more weeks of last working day of the fiscal year.

I am so hurt and destroyed in all of this and don't know where to turn besides my faith in the lord. I don't have any immediate family to help and very concerned of my future and having to go on disability. I have had so many from work, family, and friends that have alienated and shunned me out.

I so want to keep living for my kids and know how wonderful of a father I am. My ex wife and ex-in-laws always bragged about that. Now I don't exist. I had it all. Beautiful family (my ex and I were the Barbie and Ken), dream house that we had built for our kids. Good paying jobs. Not to brag I'm a good looking man. I have learnt that our society still is so shallow that we are based on the job you have and your health.

I miss the intimacy with my ex-wife. I want to enjoy life. Since my life began to crumble almost two years ago with my diagnosis its so hard to see the finish line.

Please need any advise, prayers, other relating stories, encouragement. I'm truly in a desperate place! God Bless to all!

[golfore]

Hang in there

WOW!!! Sorry to hear about all the stuff you are dealing with. Things will get better because I don't think they could get any worse.

it's late and I gotta go night, night. Prayers and good thoughts coming your way.

[pennstater]

Jazz,

I am sorry to hear of your struggles. There are good people out there, so please don't lose faith in everyone. I actually met my husband 3 years post diagnosis.

If you can, find an MS support group in your area. Also, if your health allows, maybe a volunteer opportunity will help. If you can, I would also recommend seeing a psychiatrist and/or psychologist. It really helps me with the rough patches and challenges me to see things a little differently and provides techniques to deal with life stressors.

I am sure your kids love you very much. Enjoy your time with them. Take comfort in your faith.

You have had a really stressful two years. There will be better days. Please take care of yourself.

[AnneLouise]

Sometimes it takes a chronic illness to see how things really are.

It will get better. Trust in yourself. This is a crash and burn scenerio but a phoenix rises from the ashes. Look at Mt. St. Helens. Look at photos of towns bombed during WWII. Utter destruction. Look at them today.

[Irish.girl]

Next Chapter

It seems like it's time to end a chapter and begin a new one. You've mentioned several things you have going for you in spite of the adversity you face. Time to focus on those strengths.

As for the loss you're dealing with- your health, your work, a large portion of your income, your ex-wife, your children on a daily basis, your in-laws- it may feel like death for a while. It feels like there is loss on so many levels at once.

That is the worst part of transitioning from a career to not being able to work due to this disease, in my opinion.

But, death it is not. You are still in the land of the living. Allow yourself time to grieve. Then, pick yourself up and begin the next chapter.

Three years after my diagnosis, my husband of seven years moved out, and I filed for divorce. I was so focused on what was wrong with me leading up to his leaving. I neglected to give anything to our relationship. I was critical, angry, and felt worthless.

I never thought I'd find true love and happiness again.

A series of events I never predicted led to a conversation with my estranged husband just before the final divorce hearing that changed my life in the most surprising way.

Once I made some changes, I became lovable again. It brought us to a place where we were once again both willing to work on our relationship. It has been 7 years and we share a deeper connection than ever before.

This process is hard on everyone. At certain parts, it was harder on those around me than on me. I believe because they felt so helpless and unable to help me sometimes.

Let's us know how that next chapter goes...

[regi girl]

Hey Jazz, I can so relate to what you are saying. I too have lost soo much. I was diagnosed 5 years ago, but it took a long time to get a diagnosis. It was nightmare. During that time my husband(we had only been married for 3 years) and our dearest friends turned against me. There were others that simply left when I got sick.My husband has asked me for divorce two times in the past 2 years, both times I was in bed suffering through an exacerbation. But both times he changed his mind and I wasn't able to leave because of being sick and knowing I had to quit work, insurance, etc. etc.

I don't think you are bragging, looks, reputation and your standing in the community totally play into how you feel about yourself. I was single, ran two miles every morning, did yoga and worked out at the gym. I have always wore a size 4 or 6. I had a great job and was very well known in our area. I was the life of the party and everyday was a party and had a huge circle of friends. Total strangers would approach me and tell me how pretty I was. But I didn't think I was very pretty, I just thought everyone was nice.

Now after not being able to run and exercise like that anymore and gaining weight. Now a size 10-12.I realize that people weren't just being nice, they are the ones who are really shallow, everyone wants to be friends with a winner and if you have a diase and disability then you are not a winner anymore. I didn't really realize what all I had until I lost it all. I'm constantly working on my weight but people treat you totally different when you are over weight. People have said the meanest things to me that I just cannot believe anyone would ever say. I realized and you will to that you are not the shallow one. Quite frankly I've never understood it, I'm still the same person I've always been.

Things will get better, it will take time, I'm still looking for my new "normal". But in the last 6 months my husband has completely turned around, he treats me like he did when we were dating. I have fewer friends but they are true friends. I don't have a "career" anymore but I've gotten into photography and have actually made a buck or two from it.

Hang on it will get better, but you have to make it get better. I know when you've had the "good life" it's hard to let go of those trappings, and I'm still working on it, but that beautiful, fun, intelligent, nice, "thin" person is still here, it's their loss if others don't see that. And it's the same with you, there will be new people that will see you and love you for who you are inside, even that one special woman who will light up your life. I know your pain so well, the hurt is almost unbearable, so many of us have been there. Hang on, you can make it through and we are all here to help you. God bless.

[Thinkimjob]

I hope you start feeling better soon.

The way we think other people judge us is sadly usually the way we judge ourselves.

I went through a stage of believing my friends were avoiding me, when truth to be told, I was avoiding them.

The trick is finding out what really matters, and living a life of which you can be proud. That can be done without health, beauty, lots of money or employment.

It is much harder to do alone, and loneliness can be a big part of MS. I'm sorry your wife left.

Don't cut yourself off from society because of what you think other people may be thinking.

Ask and ye shall receive.

Here endeth the sermon.

Maybe start with a therapist.

[tejokid]

This might be a long shot, but if you were paying into Social Security as well as your work retirement, you could file for SS disability also.

[Denise Marie]

Your Faith..."lean not on your own understanding..."

Hi Tex,

I'm new here and just stumbled across your post. I writing to share a bit of my life to, hopefully, reassure you that you are not alone...and most of all to affirm that your faith WILL sustain you.

I have been a single-parent for 15-years. My 25-year-old daughter has multiple disabilities and we live together. Her father is not a part of her life in any way, shape or form. My parents unexpectedly passed away in 2009 within 6-weeks of one another. I have no siblings and no extended family. My diagnosis was finally confirmed last week.

Without my faith, I would barely have the conviction to go on. My daughter keeps me moving forward. I find it ironic that most people think I would be better off without her. Our faith sustains us. I often say I can't imagine how people get through this life without it.

You have value; you are not defined by your family structure, job or possessions. You have a purpose and your faith will support you through the journey. New, quality people will be brought into your life and you will find peace in your new identity...

[mercadies25]

I have also lost lots. I HAD the job, money, home, energy, looks etc....Now no money, no job, no energy, looks are gone along with good shape.

The good part is that my dh and my children are now a very big part of my life. I think they use to take me for granted and now they all really appreciate me and what I have done for all of them. My parents whom I hardly ever use to speak with call me on a regular basis and ask how I am doing.

Seek a therapist.

Seek others in the MS society.


Wait and get use to who you are now it really takes a long time. I am still trying to get use to me.

I am the choo choo train that always thinks I can and I now know that it's ok to stop half way up the mountain and take a break, smell the roses etc.....

Good luck to you!!!!

[Marie12]

I am so sorry, unfortunately u r not the only one going through this

I never ever read about what to do if I became disabled. Now I can only get my brain to work for a half hour each day.

I used to b the one with tons of energy and finances who helped everyone else. Now I m very frugal and look for people to help me.

That's not easy, and I understand that even being frugal cannot support life in this economy. There r very supportive posts. And start calling the county, and hopefully you'll get a caring person who will mail u a listing of available services. Or some counties actually list them on their website. Or some individuals even started their own website to list services. Google

I am so very sorry that you are dealing with this. And phone your Church. Most Churches have services set up for this and really want to be of assistance with food, service, shelter. Please ask for help.

I know it's not easy to ask for help, but I've learned how to ask. And, like me, you'll be surprised at how many answers of "yes" you receive. I know there r also "no" answers, but I don't let the no's discourage me. I keep asking

[Marie12]

Oh, & my wheelchair saves my strength

So far I can still get out of bed and get into my wheelchair. & if you don't have one of those $20 extended grabbers, someone can get you one of those. I'm surprised at how much I use that.

And after experience, you'll realize which places really r wheelchair accessible. I know I'll never build a home, but our prior home would have been a lot more wheelchair accessible. This home has far too many uneccessary "walls." And of course they're not wide enough for my wheelchair. I guess I'm too wide, even though I'm not.

C, you'll even find people like me, who go, on and on and on, speaking way too much. Even though my daughters tell me, "Mom u talk way too much."

[sm1bentley]

Denise is so right about "defining yourself". The problem with doing that is that it makes it really hard to cope when your circumstances change...like they have for you.

With MS, every single day can be completely different…mentally and physically. It really becomes more important to not worry about what you had or could do yesterday and instead focus on what you need to make it through today.

YES...I know this is easier said than done. I am newly diagnosed and struggle with this all the time. Mentally I know it’s not best to dwell on what was or what could be in the future...some days I allow myself a little "pity party". Then I pick myself up and move on.

Eventually you will find a "new normal"...and all the people who truly matter in your life will still be there (and eventually new ones will join). It’s probably for the best that the ones who “alienated and shunned” you are gone. They have shown their true character and that is not the kind of people you want in your life….you have enough to deal with.

Be there for your kids but don’t forget to be there for yourself too! Give yourself time…keep your faith. I will be praying for you.

[Jola]

I was diagnosed July 2012. Since than my world has been turned upside down same as all of you. I was in a 17 year marriage with two elementary age children. My ex wife wanted a divorce last July 2013 and she was granted primary custody of our children. Also she and I have worked for the same law enforcement agency for over 11 years.

My MS along with the stress of how everything has been ripped apart in the last 2 years has taken a major tole on me. It has caused issues with my job to the point that I'm considered a liability risk and unable to perform the job task and all the stress to go with the environment. I have ran out of time and now considered leave with out pay, but have payed into short term and long term disability.

However, it was confirmed today that my disability will be significantly lower going off my prior salary before my huge raise for my longevity with department after 10 years. The disability goes 60 to 66% of my salary, but was is so painful is that will it be multiplied by $10,000 less a year from my current salary. I missed out by not being able to work two more weeks of last working day of the fiscal year.

I am so hurt and destroyed in all of this and don't know where to turn besides my faith in the lord. I don't have any immediate family to help and very concerned of my future and having to go on disability. I have had so many from work, family, and friends that have alienated and shunned me out.

I so want to keep living for my kids and know how wonderful of a father I am. My ex wife and ex-in-laws always bragged about that. Now I don't exist. I had it all. Beautiful family (my ex and I were the Barbie and Ken), dream house that we had built for our kids. Good paying jobs. Not to brag I'm a good looking man. I have learnt that our society still is so shallow that we are based on the job you have and your health.

I miss the intimacy with my ex-wife. I want to enjoy life. Since my life began to crumble almost two years ago with my diagnosis its so hard to see the finish line.

Please need any advise, prayers, other relating stories, encouragement. I'm truly in a desperate place! God Bless to all!

Im praying that your wife's eyes will be opened and your marriage will be restored.

[poppydarling]

First, I'm sending a virtual hug to every person here! So much kindness and wisdom.

MS is a long road of constant adjustments and mourning losses. Chronic illness and disability messes with your identity--who you thought you were and your place in the world. And it messes with your ability to make a living and survive! So there's tons of fear, anxiety and uncertainty, which would be overwhelming even if you felt healthy! And then there are the people in our lives, who don't always make it easier

I would have been lost in the weeds without my social worker/therapist. She has been the most consistent, emotionally healthy friend I've had, helping to navigate all of these issues with complete trust that she has my best interest at heart. I think anyone in deep grief or emotional pain or anxiety deserves to have the same.

I've gone to Catholic Charities on a sliding scale ($10 per session) and have used my employer's EAP program, which paid for the first 10 sessions, and now insurance is picking up most of the cost.

I so relate to your financial hoop-jumping and qualifying and fighting to get the benefits you've paid into, so hang in there -- you would be surprised how the Universe steps in, along with the kindness of strangers, when you need it most.

Good luck and let us know how you're doing.