Dating a girl with MS, please advise

[whitecrow]

Im not sure if I am at the right place but need some advice. I have been casually dating a girl with ms for maybe 2.5 months. I never thought it was an issue. Shes gorgeous and a great person and Im wiling to stick by her I researched it a little.

The thing is she is very concerned with other people i was dating before her. I was as sensitive as possible giving her permission to look in my phone or my facebook, yet if she sees any girl-she FLIPPS. and its like a week or two before we can calm down and talk normally.

In the mean time I work and cant see her during the week i work 3-11. I call her and text her all the time. I make it a priority to hang out with her on weekends but she disappears.

after 3 weekends of her disappearing without explanation I thought she wasnt interested and was thinking of moving on. Some girl gave me her number and shes FLIPS again saying I cheated on her. I openly admitted someone gave me her number. But before this it was another girl i once dated...or a girl she knew.

She says she suffers from depression, gets mood swings and apologies for threatening to never talk to me again. She was only diagnosed a year ago. She says she is angry. I encourage her that she will be ok and I think she is great person. But she has major depression and thoughts of suicide. She is getting help but im so worried. I cant sleep some nights.

I myself lost a family member due to a car accident. Ive battled depression and won. I thought I could be a great asset to her life and we could be there for eachother but she is SO mean to me. Saying I dont understand, im a scumbag, im a cheater and liar. Ive never had any other girl ive dated accuse me of cheating and consider myself a good boyfriend.

This is starting to disrupt my life. I spend hours with her on the phone to the point where i miss work or important interviews. I bought her a few fancy gifts- drove down to see her, offered all my time to her only to be treated like a criminal.

Im sure she is going through alot but what do I do? At 2.5 months we are not married. She isnt really officially my gf yet and deleting a girls out of my phone isnt enough. She still thinks I cheat on her. I offered to go to therapy, take a lie detector test. All i asked was that she spend time with me and be nice to me on a more consistent basis.

Please advise on what to do. I hate to abandon someone but I know you have to save yourself before you can help anyone else. Please advise me on the symptoms I need to be aware of or if im in the wrong.

thank you

[MSer102]

what do I do?

There is only one thing that you should do and that is RUN THE OTHER WAY RIGHT NOW! It doesn't matter what has caused this girl's mental issues but she is seriously unstable and you need to get out of this relationship right now for your own safety.

Something is seriously out of balance if you think that stopping seeing someone you have only been dating casually for a couple of months is "abandoning" her. That sounds like more of her drama. Something is seriously wrong if you are "losing sleep" over someone you have been only casually dating.

It sounds like this is your first experience with someone who is mentally ill. (I used to ba softie too until I innocently got involved with a guy who is a sociopath.) There is absolutely nothing you can do to help her. And after only a couple of months it isn't your responsibility to save her or even to try to. The chaos of mental illness spreads quickly and it's obvious that you have already been affected.

The fact that you thought you could be an asset to her life shows that she has tapped into your need to be her hero or savior. That will never happen. Nothing with her will ever get better. Things will only get worse and she will suck you under if you give her another opportunity.

I think you need to ask yourself why on earth there's anything about this woman that is so charming that you would want to spend more time with her. You might think she's a great person or might be telling her that. But you know that she's mean to you and abuses you. You already know that that is NOT a "great person." So what is going on with you that you think you can fix her or that you need to?

I guess you came to an MS board because you think this has something to do with MS. It doesn't matter if she's a mentally ill person with MS or MS has caused her mental instability. For your purposes it doesn't matter. And if you need someone to make a blanket statement for you, I will: This has nothing to do with MS. Her mental illness dwarfs anything that MS could be doing. Don't be drawn further into this mess by pity.

Your only responsibility is to yourself. Please take this as a lesson learned and get out of the relationship NOW. Cut off all contact with her. If you give her another inch she'll take a mile. Your intentions are good but terribly misplaced. it's a harsh lesson but you have to GET OUT NOW!

[DebbieB]

White Crow, your "not-officially-gf" has major control issues. Although I appreciate you seeking support on MSWorld given her recently-diagnosed MS, the issues you are describing far exceed help you can find on MSWorld.

Yes, MSers may have control issues when they lose control (get diagnosed, lose abilities, etc.), but it seems are well beyond MS. Yes, she needs help - please refer her to MSWorld, as well as nmss.org. Suggest she join a support group for MSers (can be found through links on nmss.org), but she also needs professional help.

If you've only been dating this girl for 2.5 months, and is has disrupted your life to the point of "spending hours on the phone'; verbally abusing you (in my opinion); worry through unexplained absences; and resorting to "offering to take a lie detector test" (are you kidding me?), you need to put down the phone and walk - gently - away.

Please provide her the resources you've found for MS (and suggested)....but until she wants help and looks to seek help herself, you're just going to be on a mad treadmill to no where quick.

Perhaps other posters may have other advice, but I feel strongly you need to get out of this dysfunctional relationship now.

I wish you the best.

[22cyclist]

I could not agree more. Get out now. This is not an MS thing. Even if the chemical imbalance is, its no good for you. That is something she has to work on herself. You do not deserve to be beaten up mentally this way. Move on while you can. Just drop her. She will eventually work it out, or not, but that is not your problem.

Hope you find someone better for yourself. You sound like a nice person all around.

Good luck.

Lisa
Moderation Team

[Jules A]

Yup, its probably not a MS issue but even if it is that doesn't excuse it and you deserve better.

[Fed Up]

whitecrow..I admire YOU! Your sense of understanding is overwhelming.

Often in life we tend to CREATE the environment we fear. When we feel flawed we tend to 'chase' off the kind and concerned people in our lives. Whether we do it consciously or in the sub,we tend to do that.

Her FEAR of Loss, is causing her to push you away and experience fewer losses in her life. After all, she recently lost her Good Bill of Health and maybe very 'angry' as you surmise.

Her jealousy will chase you off, in a heartbeat and seriously a 'control' issue--not consistent with M.S., however, it can be a symptom of losing control of her physical life.

You sound like a very kind generous person that will only enhance her life. Please do not abandon her, but KEEP your distance. When she decides to deal with her emotional issues, she may BECOME available to you.


right now, she is emotionally unavailable to you or anyone else.

Her absence maybe due to her symptoms or mental..??

WE often chase away those we really care about and prevent the pain of eventually losing them.

Follow your and pray for a cure! fed

[aitch10]

I agree with everyone else - this is not a MS issue and you need to get out. Sorry

[Thinkimjob]

Nope, it's not her MS, brother, and even if it was, run like the wind.

[misslux]

What everyone else said -- RUN!

[Goldfinch]

Sorry, but your friend sounds nuts. MS or not, you need to bail. She's got more issues than a Jerry Springer guest.

[choco]

The fact that she has MS is IRRELEVANT to her behaviour. She has serious mental health issues and if you are not careful, she will take you down with her. Like everyone so far has said, RUN.

[amyrising]

The fact that she has MS is IRRELEVANT to her behaviour. She has serious mental health issues and if you are not careful, she will take you down with her. Like everyone so far has said, RUN.

I must agree, having MS does not give you the right to behave like this. This is a toxic situation and I think you need to move on. Good luck.

[JBWInColorado]

Sounds like she needs to deal with her own issues before getting involved in a relationship... If you're not ready to bail just yet, tell her that you 'cheating' is not a threat to the relationship, but her jealousness and behavior is...
Good luck, but don't invest too much time & emotion in this.

[GandalfRA]

Your GF is nuts...run away and don't look back. I have MS and I live and breathe for my wife and daughter. I do anything so they can be happy.

Like everyone said she is nuts.

Marriage is tough enough with someone that loves you and treats you well, I can't imagine how she will treat you in 10 years if you marriage her.

Ruuuuuuuuun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[laurasari]

We all have pasts and if she can't understand that she has issues. You are not engaged or anything like that so how are you cheating. It's ok for her to take off unexplained but its not ok for ou to do something sorry that's not MS that's selfish. Good luck to you.