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    Wanting it all to end.

    It's been 7 and a half years since my MS dx, 3 years since my (hopefully-soon-to-be) ex-daughter-in-law absconded with my granddaughter and took my son to court on trumped up abuse charges, a bit over 2 and a half years since we got her back and received full custody, almost 2 years since my eldest came out as trans-. In the past two years I've secretly (away from wife) have been having a cocktail or two a week, simple things that don't take much mixing. My place of employment recently merged with another healthcare organization, and I feel that my position is 'duplication' and possibly able to be eliminated... I really don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
    RRMS: dx:March '07. Started CombiRx June 2007 - Avonex or Copaxone or Both; Study unblinded Nov.2011 - have been on only Copaxone.
    "e lascia pur grattar dov'e la rogna" (Dante "Divine Comedy")

    #2
    Basically, "let them go ahead and scratch where it itches".

    It sounds like you're just about at the end of your tether. Do what horses do, step back and cut yourself some slack.

    You're had to handle an awful lot in the past 7 years. Most people would struggle if they had to cope with even one of those things.

    Give yourself some credit.

    You don't know what's going to happen with your job, so try not to think the worst will inevitably happen. Maybe it will be all right. Maybe you'll get redundancy, if it's not.

    I don't know how much you're drinking, but two cocktails a week sounds okay, so long as it's not a bottle of vodka mixed with a bottle of bourbon. The hiding it from your wife is probably not a good sign. Anyhoo, enough lecturing from someone who doesn't know you.

    There are good things in your life, like your granddaughter, and all your children.

    Please talk to someone, and find a way to scratch where it itches. This is a good place to come, too, but there's a time lag.

    Comment


      #3
      Hang in there

      Hi ridgrunnr,
      All that stress wouldn't be good for anyone to handle
      Is there anything you can do (other than a couple of drinks, which I can relate to) to off-set the stress in your life? An activity you can make time for? Music? Movies? Playing cards?....
      Hang in there
      Candycane

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        #4
        I hope that the stresses in your life will end also, you have had a lot going on, but remember the rainbow comes after the storm.

        Hold on! pray! and don't worry about your job until you have to, There could be another position that you could move into and it could be a good fit or you could be doing the same one for years to come.

        Be careful with the cocktails and if you need help with it, seek it now. Try to be positive. I just said a prayer for you.

        Comment


          #5
          Life can be difficult. Especially for us.
          But no matter what happens, you can't give up on life.
          There are so many things to live for, and even in the darkest of times, you will have light in your life again. Trust me.

          Comment


            #6
            Holy cow RR, that's a ton of stuff to deal with, way more than most people.

            Most of us here can absolutely relate to wanting to cash in our chips. But look what you have made it through. I think you are a pretty awesome example for a lot of people.

            Hang in there please? We care about you and need you here. Please check back in.
            Seattle, WA
            Dx 05/14/10, age 55, RRMS, Now PPMS
            Avonex 5/10-9/11; Copaxone 20, 9/11-4/13; Tecfidera 4/13-7/15; Copaxone 40, 9/15 -present

            Comment


              #7
              After fumbling around at work the past couple of days, trying to comprehend what's going on, and what's expected of me by my department and manager and expected by those departments that I support and am working toward a successful merger, I am totally confused. I'm due for annual performance appraisal this next month and am considering coming out and being straight to my manager and verbalize my fears and concerns.
              RRMS: dx:March '07. Started CombiRx June 2007 - Avonex or Copaxone or Both; Study unblinded Nov.2011 - have been on only Copaxone.
              "e lascia pur grattar dov'e la rogna" (Dante "Divine Comedy")

              Comment


                #8
                Hmmmm...sometimes that can go completely great and sometimes it can fall flat. If you know your manager and the two of you have some kind of relationship, at least a smooth one, then I would say, go ahead and do it. It can only make your time at work less stressful if you have an understanding boss. However, if you really don't know him/her, or get the feeling it will make things worse, don't do it. I told mine early on in my disease because I was having walking issues and the ER was a little too much walking for me. They transfered me to another ICU where the patients were not mobile at all.

                In the end the decision is up to you. You have the best feeling for your job, the people there, the people in charge, etc. My hope is that they will take what you say, accept it, and assist you with all of your needs. That also is pretty likely.

                Good luck and let us know how it goes, OK?

                Take care
                Lisa
                Moderation Team
                Disabled RN with MS for 14 years
                SPMS EDSS 7.5 Wheelchair (but a racing one)
                Tysabri

                Comment


                  #9
                  Status of my life

                  We just got back from a two week vacation to Hilton Head Island and Orlando. All had a great time. My trans-daughter stated that she was refreshed and ready to tackle her problems anew. My youngest daughter goes next week to the state competition for Fair Queen (had been selected our local county fair Queen this past year). The consolidation project is going forward, but we have a 4 week reprive before live.
                  Still contemplatining a biological end if I fall fllat.
                  RRMS: dx:March '07. Started CombiRx June 2007 - Avonex or Copaxone or Both; Study unblinded Nov.2011 - have been on only Copaxone.
                  "e lascia pur grattar dov'e la rogna" (Dante "Divine Comedy")

                  Comment


                    #10
                    This is getting bad. Have polished of a bottle of Wild Turkey and bottle of VO in the past two weeks. Somehow I wish my wife would find out and kick me out. At the current temps I'd be frozen by morning.
                    RRMS: dx:March '07. Started CombiRx June 2007 - Avonex or Copaxone or Both; Study unblinded Nov.2011 - have been on only Copaxone.
                    "e lascia pur grattar dov'e la rogna" (Dante "Divine Comedy")

                    Comment


                      #11
                      please, I urge you to seek help wherever you can ( clergy, family, friends). I will also list for you a couple of phone numbers,
                      Suicide Hotline http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html 1-800-SUICIDE 1-800-273-TALK 1-800-784-2433 1-800-273-8255
                      hunterd/HuntOP/Dave
                      volunteer
                      MS World
                      hunterd@msworld.org
                      PPMS DX 2001

                      "ADAPT AND OVERCOME" - MY COUSIN

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Clergy... pah... did I mention that my wife's association with an evangelical radio ministry contributed to drive me away from a belief in a creator, a savior, theistic views, religion, etc?
                        RRMS: dx:March '07. Started CombiRx June 2007 - Avonex or Copaxone or Both; Study unblinded Nov.2011 - have been on only Copaxone.
                        "e lascia pur grattar dov'e la rogna" (Dante "Divine Comedy")

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Originally posted by ridgerunnr11 View Post
                          Clergy... pah... did I mention that my wife's association with an evangelical radio ministry contributed to drive me away from a belief in a creator, a savior, theistic views, religion, etc?
                          Try talking to your primary and getting a referral. Not to mention liquor is not helping the situation. You have a family and responsibilities to yourself and them.

                          It would be sad to take a biological end without earning it first. I believe in that! One must earn their way out. Do the work first---on yourself, with a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist. Sometimes, our depression passes and sometimes we need a little help...

                          .....you my friend, need a little help, right now! I hope you think enough of yourself to give yourself that gift. I did it for years, it helped a great deal. fed

                          Comment


                            #14
                            What went wrong between those two posts? You sounded reasonably okay after your holiday, next thing we hear from you, you're polishing off Wild Turkey like Hunter S. Thompson.

                            Your wife probably knows about the drinking already. Bourbon breath is hard to cover with toothpaste. Mind you, my grandparents got through a bottle of whiskey a week between them, one nip each most days, so not alcoholics at all.

                            Sounds to me, and I am not a doctor, a therapist or a counsellor, like you want your wife to make the call about your marriage, then she would be the villain in the show.

                            Psychologists can help you work out what you want, and how to deal with it, if what you want isn't possible.

                            Please get some help. You deserve it, as Fed Up, said.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              ridgrunr,

                              I am really sorry you are feeling this way. Knowing someone who's son killed themself, please get help. The effect his death has had on his family is devastating, not to mention his friends. It sounds like you are so numb that you aren't feeling the love in your life. Since you had a great time on vacation, the daily reality pressures seem like they are overwhelming you. As others suggested, please get help ASAP for yourself - you deserve it. Drinking may temporarily numb you, but it won't help you with a permanent fix.

                              Please reach out to a professional and let us know how you are making out.
                              Kathy
                              DX 01/06, currently on Tysabri

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