One more thing...

[mac1ntosh]

Hello!
I feel like this is going to be more of a rant than anything. I went and hired a disability attorney. To start the uphill climb of getting disability benefits.

My problem is this. I can't accept my diagnosis, and feel like I don't deserve disability. I have worked my whole life, up until a forced lay-off approx. 6 months ago. I was asked to come back to work, for 15 hours a week. OK, but it's still very slow, and more often than not, I don't work.

This has left me with a LOT of time in my own head. DH says, go look for another job, how much will they pay, can you work, did you work today, how much will they pay.

Stress has been through the roof. I am RRMS, and haven't had an acute flare for years. Although my cognition has deteriorated, I can't walk further than 75 yards without looking drunk, I have been applying for random jobs, but…

Who in the hell do I think I am? Do I deserve disability? I can work, a little, am I worth the gamble of some employer to hire me, only for them to be told that I can't handle it?

I've never in my life been so full of self-doubt. Being laid off, working 15 hours has left me little choice I feel.

So I applied for disability benefits (as we all know, it can take years to be accepted, and who knows my health then?!?). The last thing I want to do is lose our house, or throw us into financial distress. I am completely flummoxed.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! THIS SUCKS!

[BlessedWyoMom]

I don't know if sharing my disability experience will help or not, but at least you know you're not alone. I was diagnosed 15 years ago and did extremely well for a long time. That started to change about 3 years ago and have gone steadily downhill. My MS was affecting my cognitive function more than I realized and did affect my work performance somewhat.

I lost my full-time job in May 2011 after missing a week of work for an exacerbation. (I filed a discrimination claim and ended up settling with that employer). I realized at that time that I could no longer work full-time. I was out of work from mid-June to the end of August 2011, at which time I took a part-time job (15-20 hrs/week).

I was encouraged by my parents and husband to apply for disability since I was no longer able to work full-time and because my wages were low enough that I still qualified. I hemmed and hawed and argued that I would never qualify, that I was doing "too good," etc, etc. Mostly, I was in denial about the turn my health had taken and didn't want to qualify for it. After all, I didn't deserve it when so many others were "so much worse" and I "looked so good."

You have to be out of full-time work for at least a year, so I had time to argue and hem and haw some more. With three growing children and all of their activities, etc, I decided I owed it to my family to apply because we were missing out on a lot of income from when I worked full-time.

I was 100% prepared to be denied. You always hear that *nobody* is approved on the first go-around, especially without the aid of a disability attorney. I was researching attorneys and preparing for the appeal. But, I was approved. I honestly cried when I read the approval letter. I was approved I truthfully didn't want to be approved. I realized that my issue was with facing the fact that I truly am disabled. If the US gov't says I am disabled, I must really, truly be disabled. Crap.I received my first deposit in April 2013.

Well, fast forward to this past August. I started having increased problems with fatigue, dizziness, brain fog, leg pain, mobility, etc. I saw my neurologist of nearly 13 years who begged me to stop working. He asked, "Will you stop working if I get down on my knees and beg you? You have a husband and three children to worry about." Well, needless to say, I gave my 2 weeks notice the next day. I guess the gov't did know something I was refusing to acknowledge.

I wasn't making a lot at my job, but enough that we are feeling it. I can't even imagine how much worse it would be if I didn't get the disability payments. It's at least enough to pay our mortgage and a few others bills every month.

That's my disability story. I totally understand where you're at and how emotionally stressful it is.

[mac1ntosh]

Thanks Lisa, it more than helped. I appreciate your point of view.

Jody