how do you cope?

[sussuido]

hi everyone

i was only diagnosed about a year ago, but after alot of research and self reflection, it appears i've had ms for awhile.

not sure it was a wise decision, but i informed my employers of my diagnosis shortly after.

i work for a fairly large, successful company who, because of many years of hard work, promoted me to a position that most would not achieve without a college degree.

we're in the midst of a system conversion that requires alot of foresight on my part to provide new processes that will assure the company a smooth transition, train my team accordingly and create plans of recovery should the main plan not pan out.

i'm expected to do this with no disruption to our current service. overtime has been eliminated so the bulk of the added tasks lies on me and my assistant. the two of us can't carry the additional tasks and i'm concerned that 10 yrs short of retirement, i won't be able to achieve the potential success they've forecast.

because it's our yearly review time, i feel now is a good time to tell my boss that his expectations are unacheivable, however, i am fearful that by voicing my concerns i'll be perceived as a 'weakness' and it will start the ball rolling towards my dismissal.

i am the bread winner of the family, and it would present a major hardship if i lost my job.

i never thought i'd be in this position - especially after working for this company for more than 20 years.

honestly, i'm concerned that i may not meet the responsibilities they've presented for me this coming year. my cognitive issues are troubling, my physical ailments are tiring....i don't complain about them to anyone - even my husband.

maybe it's time i admit to everyone that i'm physically and mentally unable to continue the same way they're used to? obviously, i'm afraid what kind of result that admission might create.

i'm afraid. this isn't a place i've ever found myself in and i really don't know how to proceed.

i try my best to put on the appearance that all is fine and i'm doing ok. but a day doesn't go by where i feel i want to throw in the towel.

i'm sorry this is so long - but i'm hoping that perhaps someone who has gone through something similar will step up and respond.

thanks for lending your ear (eyes)

j

[MSer102]

No doubt about it - MS is shocking! I don't think anybody can ever be prepared in advance for what it does to us. Most people learn how to cope but it takes time. You have to go through all of the grief and adjustments first. There aren't any shortcuts.

The most important thing I learned is that the biggest problem isn't what happens to us - its how we respond to it. The people who don't cope are the ones who can't let go of things they don't have any control over. They only want things to be the way they used to be and don't want to live any other way. That's their choice but I think that really just wastes the rest of their life. It reminds me of the old cartoon where a kid is wasting all his energy pushing on a door to open it when the sign says to pull. Pulling is a little harder but that's the way to get the door open but some people still just won't do it. They would rather keep pushing and complaining about the door not opening instead of just pulling the door open and going on with their life.

You can have a very good life if you go with the flow and enjoy what you have instead of filling your life with thinking only about what you don't have anymore. It took me a couple of years to figure that out. I had other plans for my life but those plans were made based on other circumstances. New circumstances need new plans.

Another thing to know is that you don't have to figure all of this out on your own. If your having trouble finding ways to adapt to the changes you could maybe think about seeing a therapist. Our families and friends aren't counsellors and they don't usually know what to tell us. A lot of people think they should be able to always know and then start blaming them because they don't. And that just isolates them more with wrong thinking! People go to doctors and dentists and car mechanics and hairdressers to get things done but for some reason they won't go to a therapist when they need one. Therapists are pros - your family isn't.

So if you need somebody to listen to you while you talk things out and make adjustments to the changes in your life you should maybe think about talking to a therapist even for just a little while. You can let the pressure out and you might learn some helpful things along the way.

A lot of us learn how to cope. We decide to adapt and enjoy instead of fight against things we can't control and suffer. What your going thru is terrible and it will end. You just have to go thru the stages first but you'll get there if you let it happen.

[Camsue]

Hi sussuido

MSer102 said is so well I will just add Welcome!

[CaroleL]

Hello and Welcome sussuido!

Try not to worry too much. Do your best and let go of the rest! It's all we can really do. MSer said it so well. Lets deal with what we can do, and accept what we can't change.

Look after yourself the best you can, rest is important too.

I wish you well!

[sussuido]

Thank you for warm welcome and good wishes and a great big thanks to MSer for your advise. Your words were comforting and made alot of sense. And you're so right!! My husband is a wonderful, supportive man and he's stepped up to the plate (taking on many of chores i just don't have the energy for - without my asking!) big time, but I know he feels he falls short in emotionally...which is untrue. I think he's just frustrated, thinking he's not doing all he can. The idea of talking to a therapist would benefit both of us. He's not comfortable with the prospect of sharing his emotions with a total stranger, but perhaps if I get the ball rolling, he'll realize it's not so bad

This seems like a very friendly and supportive community and I plan to return often to draw from pool of shared experiences and helpful advise.

Be well - be happy!!

[Sara Angela]

Welcome!

Is there anyway, you could talk to your boss about your concerns? Not so much the MS stuff, but it sounds like a rough deal anyway? Maybe, he can pull someone else to help?

Sara

[oceanpride]

HI SUSSUIDO

It's not because of your MS that your overwelmed. Big corperations and companys are often far removed, and have little idea of the workload they put on their employes. What some big executives hairbrained idea and how to implement it can sometimes be so far from practical it isn't even funny , let alone doable. Just explain that it can be done but its going to take a team and you need help. I Think we tend to blame ower MS for too much when its really the crazies out there who needs a wakeup call and a dose of reality. I'm a boss that just happens to have MS and always make sure that none of my employes are overworked, overstressed, or overwelmed because I know only to well what it's like. Don't quit work because of your MS, quit because of the crazies and just let them go to it. They will figure it out eventually.

[Jules A]

If MS wasn't on the table your concerns and feedback about the work load wouldn't be blamed on your illness which is likely to happen. Its unfair and the only thing I could suggest is to objectively document the tasks, time frame issues etc. because if it is clearly a work issue and not a MS issue it will be better for your career.

When someone with MS is the family breadwinner I think it is crucial to have a plan B in place. We get our health insurance through my job but my husband also works at a place with good insurance in case we have to go on his employer's policy at some point if I can't work.

Hang in there and best of luck. Jules

[dcfelix]

Hello J

J,

I understand your concern. I am approximately six yrs from retirement myself. I believe your responsibility is to let your HR benefits department in confidentiality know about your illness, not your immediate boss or anybody else in your immediate division or department that could judge your future performance based on the knowledge of your illness. Leading to negative employment repercussions.

I read somewhere that if your employer doesn't know that you have been diagnosed w/your illness that you cannot claim SSI disability, if it were to come to that.

I have a family member that after 23 yrs on the job, was told by her doctor she had to leave her job or it would kill her because of the stress. It was a very difficult decision, but she did apply for disability and it has been approximately two yrs and her MS has gone into remission and she hasn't had new lesions and she is doing so much better which makes me happy because she is my sister and I hope to have her around a long time, especially now that I was just diagnosed myself this past Friday 2/22/13.

God bless, u J hope this helps

Dee