Tired. Sick of fighting and feeling like I should give up.

[nosrepmodnar]

Feel free to skip to the next message if you don't want to listen to me whine, I just need a shoulder.

For the past few weeks I have been tired, just quanked and not feeling like doing much more than sit on my but and move my fingers on the keyboard.
My right siede continues to feel heavy and the leg issues have gotten to frankenstein stage where I end up dragging it.
Call to the neuro office this morning as nothing I do seems to help.
Feeling depressed as all the problems are just flares of old problems and I know that no matter what drug I use nothing is going to fix any of these issues.
Top it all off, one of my cats escaped and hasn't come back and it has been a week.
I just want to sit in the dark and have a good cry, but I have children I need to take care of and do not want them feeling depressed about me.

So how does everyone else handle these feelings?
I am on paroxitine to help control the anger/rage issues so that should be helping with the depression but I don't even know what to try to make myself feel better.

Thanks for listening

[maggiechicoine]

Probably not what you want to hear

The only thing
I was ever good at was drawing/painting and running. I am left handed. I have lost most use of my entire left side... Can you use both your arms?? Just askin. I get really MAD AlOT. But unfortunately all you and I and millionas of others with this disease can do is suck it up. We have a life to life and although I feel the same way as syou alot. We have to accept that we have no control and find other options. I refuse to give up. I too feel like I have no purpose and suffer more than I enjoy life but I KNOW there is a purpose out there somewhere for me AND there is for you too! PROMISE! We ARE all in this fight together. Don't ever give up on you because I don't want to give up on me

[MrsV]

I am sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. I hope that your neuro can give some suggestions. I wish I had some advice to offer, but I fight the same sort of feelings sometimes, as well. And, like you, I have a child, so she keeps me moving.

Good thoughts.

[Tia1]

I pray that God will grant you the strength to endure what can't be changed and peace enjoy every gift that you have. (hugs)

[bwmorris]

My right siede continues to feel heavy and the leg issues have gotten to frankenstein stage where I end up dragging it.
Call to the neuro office this morning as nothing I do seems to help.
Feeling depressed as all the problems are just flares of old problems and I know that no matter what drug I use nothing is going to fix any of these issues.
Top it all off, one of my cats escaped and hasn't come back and it has been a week.
I just want to sit in the dark and have a good cry, but I have children I need to take care of and do not want them feeling depressed about me.

So how does everyone else handle these feelings?

Hey randomperson—er, I mean nosrepmodnar. Sorry you're down in the dumps; that's poopy. Sorry, too, that one of your cats is AWOL; I'd be really worried, so I hope your kitty is okay.

I know it's not what you were asking about, and I don't mean to talk down to you, but have you tried physical therapy for your walking?

Me, I can hardly do anything in PT because of the fatigue. Today I walked about 60 feet, with a 5-minute seated break halfway through and my physical therapist spotting me, but on the second "leg" she said something funny. I laughed, got winded, and almost collapsed before making it to the chair. Then I had to go lie down on the mat and have whole-body jerky spasms for the rest of the hour. Who's laughing now?! Lucky me, I'm entertained.

Sorry, I got distracted.

Anyway, the point I wanted to make is that even though the "exercise" doesn't do much for me these days, my current physical therapist did teach me what to pay attention to when I'm walking so I walk more safely. Namely, bending my knee and trying to plant my heel, then my toe. I have to watch my feet the whole time and keep my concentration up, and it can be a lot more tiring, but at least I have it in mind what to do.

So you might be able to get some walking help through PT, especially if you ask specifically for what you want/need.

About wanting to have a cry, do you need to scream while you do it? Seriously. If you don't need to make a lot of noise, you might consider scheduling your cry session for after the little ones are sleeping. Generally, it's really healthy for you to get that crying out when you feel you need it.

If you do need to scream or sob loudly, test out doing it into a pillow. Again, I'm serious. It can be really cathartic. Just remember to come up for air.

Also relevant: When I was a teen, I had problems dealing with my anger; I bottled it up. Then I developed some self-harm issues. Not so good. What helped me most, courtesy of my (mental!) therapist, was learning that hitting a pillow or bed was a way to get the anger out. Sometimes it feels silly at first, but you're very likely to feel better after doing it.

I did this regularly for a few months when I got angry, then, magically, I started to have a lot less anger. It's cool because you're not harming anyone, but you're confronting and eliminating (or reducing) your negative emotions. And you don't have to be afraid you'll become violent; seriously, it's calming, and you know the difference between a pillow and a person.

You'd think I have something against pillows, eh?

I'd just hate to see you not taking care of yourself because you think that's the best way to take care of your children. You need to have long-term self-care strategies in place—I'm talking emotional self-care, which can majorly impact all aspects of your life—and bottling it up is a poor long-term strategy. You've got to put your own oxygen mask on before you put on anyone else's.

Okay, I'm done chastising you to take care of yourself. Everyone's different, so I hope you find whatever works for you!

[nosrepmodnar]

I forgot I mentioned the cat kitty here
He is home, gone for over a week, the poor guy only weighed 8 pounds when he ran away, now he looks like a long kitten he is so skinny.

As for the symptoms, I have gotten a little better, we put a new AC controller in and it was only going down to 74 at night, lowered it to 72 and found a fan which also points right at me now.
Been doing this probably 4 days and I can feel some of the lassitude leaving, the leg will be longer to recover.
I have not been doing my therapy due first a gout attack and then to the heat causing all the other problems.
I really need to push myself back to doing it now that I can stand on both feet without cringing in pain and the heat around here is on the way down.

I just need to find a great job somewhere where the temp is always between 65 and 75 and I will be alright

Thanks everyone and I am going to try visiting the boards more frequently, it helps to hear others and keep things in perspective and I have been cut off from that as my good friend passed away last year, she was a great positive role model with primary progressive, her example always kept me in check.

[Thinkimjob]

As they say, it's always darkest before the dawn. Summer, for you, is nearly over. Spring has almost sprung down here.

Pleased your cat came back. Sorry about your friend.

This is a genuinely good place to let it all out.